(Closed) NWR – Feeling like a terrible stepmom

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry bakerella, I don’t really have advice for you, as I’m in a somewhat similar situation…

Fiance has a 12 year old son, who was the product of an ex-girlfriend coming off the pill without telling Fiance because their relationship was on the rocks, and getting herself pregnant. The relationship was over a month later, but she was pregnant. Fast forward awhile, it became too difficult for everyone, and it was mutually decided that Fiance would take a leave of absence from their lives.

Now, 2 years ago everyone decided that they wanted to try again. I supported the decision, and was definitely naive going into it, thinking that the three of us would hit it off and move forward.

But it’s really hard! It definitely seems that FSS feels resentment towards me, and maybe that I’m a threat to his mother, but when we have him for weekends he rarely speaks to me, doesn’t listen to me, just doesn’t want to be near me at all. Fiance is struggling because he wants to be there for FSS when we he is with us for the weekend, but in doing so he ends up ignoring me and our 15-month-old son. To make things even harder, FSS’s mother and step-father have a MUCH different style of raising kids, which Fiance and I are extremely opposed to, so when FSS spends a weekend with us he hates not being able to watch adult television, eat chocolate for breakfast, swearing, etc. It drives me NUTS!

So, as you can see, I really don’t have any advice for you. But you are definitely not alone in your struggles with the situation. I’ve read posts (not necessarily on WB) where people say that people in our situation should stop complaining because we choose to be in this situation, and I resent people saying that, because I’m with Fiance because I love him, and this is a part of his life that I have to deal with whether I like it or not. I hope things work out in the end for you.

Post # 4
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

It is hard enough to be the parent, I cannot even imagine how difficult it must be to switch modes entirely (from child-free to supra-stepmom-extraordinaire!), though the whole not my kid feeling is valid and strong, it will probably(hopefully) go away with time.

If you are in a place where YOU don’t even want kids (yet etc) and aren’t actively thinking about them it is normal to have the “not my kid” feeling — the fact that you are scared sh*tless at times just goes to show that you are aware of what a huge responsibility it is.

Besides that, if you are in planning mode & not MUSTMAKEBABIESNOW! mode it is easy to see how ANY child (not just FSS) would get to be a bit trying at times, it is just not for you right now, and it is TOTALLY fine not to be ready.

IMO I think it would be BETTER for your Fiance & his son to go alone, if they don’t have lots of one on one time as it is then this is a golden opportunity for them to have some bonding time (even if it is with a not so nice g-ma).

Don’t be hard on yourself! I think the fact that you go out of your way to be nice & interact with FSS as it is is a really big & nice thing for you to do!

Post # 7
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

So just keep in mind that you’re not alone, and it definitely is NOT easy! Especially when you’re not at a point in your life where you want to have children yourself! It sounds to me as though you’re doing everything that you can to make the best of the situation, and hopefully with time things will get easier.

Also, I would encourage Fiance and FSS to travel to England alone. I think that you could probably use some time away from the situation yourself, and I’m sure that your Fiance and FSS could use the time together to bond. My Fiance and I have decided that sometimes it’s easier for Fiance to go out some nights with FSS alone, that way FSS doesn’t have to feel awkward thrust into a new family, and Fiance can dedicate his time and energy on FSS without having to feel guilty for ignoring me and our son.

Post # 8
581 posts
Busy bee

I’m glad you are coming here for support, and please don’t think of it as complaining.  Parenting at the best of times is not easy, and with your situation, I can only imagine how challenging it can be. 

Your FSS’s bad behavior comes from trying to control his life in the only way he feels he can.  Pushing boundaries and challenging behavior is typical from any child and is part of their development.  You and your Fiance must work together and be on the same page in how you work with your FSS.

It sounds like the trip to grandma is a good idea for your Fiance and FSS.  Use this time to work on wedding tasks and maybe plan a special activity/outing for your Fiance and FSS to enjoy with you when thet get home.  Maybe you can create a scrapbook together or come up with some other actitivy.

You are doing the best you can, and, honestly, I don’t know of any parent who is perfect.  It’s obvious that you care for your FSS and Fiance, and with patience, I’m sure everything will work out.

Best wishes.

Post # 11
1765 posts
Buzzing bee


You sound like a wonderful step-mother.  It is good that you have rules at your house.  It is good for kids and gives them stability to their world.  It is hard for me to imagine what you are going through!!! Wow.  As a mom with wonderful grown kids, I can say, that as a Parent-there are definitely times when you (I) feel/felt like such a terrible mom.  Parenting is a tough job.  Don’t beat yourself up!  🙂

Post # 15
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You’re not alone at all… I have no advice, but I’m kind of dealing with a similar situation, and just wanted you to know that you are SO not alone!

You can totally PM me if you ever want to vent… I have a 10-year-old FSD, so it’s a different sort of situation, but if you ever need fellow future stepmom support, let me know! 🙂

As a side note, do you ever have the clothes swap problem?  Fiance and I will buy FSD nice clothes, she’ll take them to her mom and stepdad’s house and we’ll never see them again.  Instead, when she comes back she’s dressed like a bum! 

Oy, blended families…

The topic ‘NWR – Feeling like a terrible stepmom’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors