Post # 1
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
Hi bees, I’m hoping for some advice or ideas about my current situation. FH works in an industry where he has a different shift during the winter. Unfortunately, his shift happens to be the exact opposite of mine. I work 7am-3pm, he works 2pm-10pm. By the time he’s off work I’m usually in bed because I have to get up at 5. We don’t currently live together, so it means we don’t get to see each other at all unless I drive 1+ hours to his work to say hi and bring him dinner when I can (and then 1.5 hours back to my house). I can’t really spend nights over at his house because I have pets. He is supposed to have weekends off, but his boss recently scheduled him for several weekend days so that throws a real wrench in things. He could switch his shift, but it would be a big, career-altering decision to do so (he would essentially be booted out of the running for a certain kind of promotion that could be really good for him).
In addition, he has to work basically every holiday day. This would be fine and I wouldn’t really be bothered, except for the fact that it’s sort of expected (and pushed by his mom) that I still join his family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. I feel terribly lonely going without him, and it feels awkward to be “the happy engaged couple” without my other half. His family is very nice, but I’m not looking forward to spending the holidays small-talking and trying not to say the wrong thing. He says I don’t have to go and he won’t push me into it at all, but his family is the type that might get offended if I say no.
It’s just such a sticky situation and I’m trying my best to not complain to him about it anymore, but I’m not someone who does well with lots of texting and phone calls in place of real, in-person time. FH is very sweet about it and is really trying to be encouraging and positive. He said he’s happy to use his vacation days in order to be able to see me during the week whenever he can, and is overall very understanding. But that doesn’t help the fact that my anxiety is ramping up and I miss him, but I know there’s really nothing to be done about it until March/April at this point. I’ve resolved to try and stop thinking/complaining about it because I know that’s grating to him, but I’m not doing terribly well with the situation. Quality time and physical touch are MASSIVE love languages for me, and those are really getting cut into right now.
I know we’re not the only couple who goes through this and I’m probably more sensitive to it than other people. But does anyone have ideas on how to better cope with this? Do you work opposite shifts from your SO? How do you handle not being able to see each other for 5-10 days at a time?
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2019 - Country/barn
I feel your pain. My fi and I don’t live together yet and he lives 40 min away. I work Tues – Fri 7am to 530pm. He works Sun – Thurs 1pm – 9pm but at his job a lot of times he has to go in earlier and work later than those hours. So basically I see him Fri evening, Sat, sometimes Sunday afternoon. He works most holidays as well. He will usually stay with me a night or two during the week but I’m usually ready for bed by the time he gets there. It’s not always easy and I miss him a lot!
Post # 3
My husband is a police officer, and even though we live together we can go about that long without seeing one another in person, because of my college, work, and field experience schedule and his work schedule. If he gets involved in something at work he can end up working 14 to 18 hour shifts, and I am out of the house from 6am to 10pm right now. The only thing keeping me going at this point is the fact that it’ll be over in a month. My schedule goes back to normal and we will go back to seeing one another on weekends. That’s still five days of only seeing him when he’s asleep. Because of the nature of his job he’s gone for most bad storms, emergencies, and holidays. It’s hard, but it’s worth it because when we ARE together we’re so happy. Only you know if you’re the type of woman who is going to be ok with a schedule like that. Is it forever?
Post # 4
I live with my husband and still feel like I don’t see him much! He works 6 days a week, and his only day off is a weekday, when I’m working. During the winter he gets home around 9pm, and then I’m in bed by 11. So I do see him a little bit most nights. It’s hard never having any days off together though. I hate that he works weekends soo much. During this year (after our hm) I asked that he take 1 weekend day off a month, so that we have at least one day off together a month. It’s so nice to wakeup on a weekend and him not have to rush to get ready for work.
Does your family do thanksgiving/xmas? I would just say that you won’t be able to attend because you’re going to your family one. I wouldn’t mind *now* attending a family function with my ILs without my husband, but previously, I’d have declined. If they are offended, oh well, you have a family too! This is something that they will have to get over, especially once you guys are married.
Post # 5
It can be hard. My job requires a lot of international travel and I spend about half the year abroad. Often I’ll be gone for 2-3 weeks at a time, sometimes even 4-5 weeks. It makes it hard to stay in touch via Facetime or phone calls due to time zone differences.
One of the things that helps make our situation work is that the airline and hotel loyalty points I earn thru my work travel wind up providing us with some really nice vacations. So the realizaion that there are some benefits helps.
It’s not quite the same as your situation, but similar enough with the concept of working such opposite shifts. One thing we do that helps is rely on sending each other long emails. It’s nice to know when you go to bed, that when you wake up there’s going to be a nice long email.
Post # 6
Damn, that is tough. Is there a reason you are not living together or at least living close by? If it is possible, I’d try to spend at least 3 nights a week at one anothers’ homes, even if it’s just to be able to see each other for an hour before you go to sleep.
Post # 7
What kind of animals do you have? If it’s a dog, can you bring them over to your FH’s for a night? And surely a cat can remain home alone. That way you have some extra time with each other.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
It’s only for the winter and then we go back to a normal schedule, so I feel like I can handle that. I guess I’m just looking for ways to make it suck less, lol. My stepdad was a police officer for 25 years so I definitely know that struggle too! I always told him I could never do his job because people are so crazy, lol.
My family does do holidays, but my entire family lives at least 1000 miles away. My Dad/stepmom are on the West coast, my mom/stepdad are in FL, and I’m in Chicago. Otherwise that would be an ideal option for sure! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who thinks it’s a bit strange to go to his family events without him though. I’m sure in the future it will be no big deal, but I don’t really know very many of them yet.
I love the email idea! He’s not a big writer but I am, so at the very least I could send him some emails before I go to bed or something and he could read them on shift. That might help me feel a little more connected and would be fun. We also have talked about taking a bunch of fun trips together but have held off because of the wedding. Maybe I could distract myself by doing some research about all the places we want to go. Thank you!
I’m working on getting my house ready to sell so we can live together, so it’s definitely in the works. Just slow going. Right now we’re sort of hitting 2 nights a week, Saturdays at home and then I go bring him dinner on Tuesdays at work when I get off, so we’re definitely aiming for being able to do something close to that.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
I have two cats. They are totally ok at home but have timed meals, so I need to be home at least once a day to refill their feeders. They also do get really lonely and I don’t like to just neglect them all the time. They travel well though, so I think I’m just going to pack them up the last week of the year and we’ll all go spend the week at his (I’m off the whole week) so that will be nice.
Post # 10
Got it. My cat is sooo different and he loves being home alone, which makes my life easier because I leave him home alone quite often. When SO and I lived apart (over an hour drive), he was home almost every other weekend alone or I wouldn’t have been able to see SO for weeks at a time.