(Closed) NWR FI and I had huge fight :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sounds like you and your dog coud use more calm and safe environment. Personally I would have trouble being with someone liek that. They are unreliable in their emotions, and you never know what will tip them off. It is like walking on eggshels. Also you don’t know if they will become violent or even destructive. Just imagine having a kid….is this what you want them to see and learn?

Post # 4
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

So, I don’t think yelling back at him was necessarily the right thing to do, but I can completely understand why you did it. Your poor dog…he’s the innocent one in all of this and it’s affecting him. So that would absolutely be the first thing that I say to him when he gets home. His tantrums are unacceptable b/c they affect other people and the dog. And when you have kids, they’re going to feel the same way that your dog did…that whatever he’s screaming about is their fault. And that’s just not right.

It sounds like he needs some counseling to figure out what he’s so angry about. You mentioned his parents, and if that’s what’s causing all of this, then he needs to talk with someone about it. Screaming and slamming things b/c he can’t find his hat isn’t going to work. 

Post # 5
1774 posts
Buzzing bee

 This, however, needs to stop.  I won’t live my life ‘hiding’ in the other room pretending not to hear his rants, or trying to hurry up and find whatever it is that he’s lost so he can calm down.  I also will not raise children in a home where their father is always angry. ” 

Say that to him. I have a dad like that and it freaking sucked. Being 7 years old and sitting in his truck while he goes offthe deep end because he can’t find something? NOT fun.

Your poor dog. I wouldn’t be a happy camper about that either.

He sounds like a big baby. He should find his own damn stuff and take care of it. I had a boyfriend like that. Drove me INSANE. “Where/s my hair gel?” “In the cupboard.” “I can’t find it. Can you help?” “Ugh.” I’d pick it up and hand it to him since it was RIGHT AT THE FRONT “Oh, I didn’t see it.”

I can’t imagine spending forever with that.

You need to tell him you won’t put up with that crap. 

ETA: Also, this behavior is not really ‘ok’. I’d hedge a bet if you had a daughter with a guy who acted this way you wouldn’t approve. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but he needsto get this under control.

Post # 6
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Are you describing my home life? Seriously if your Fiance has never laid a finger on you or aimed abusive comments at you, I would take this as your Fiance just being annoyed.

My Fiance is forever looking for keys, things for work in a rush, and when things go wrong he often starts shouting, swearing and sometimes throw things about. But then again he has always done this for as long as I’ve known him, and I just keep away and let him chill out on his own. Our dog also gets shaky when he starts getting agitated, but it’s a normal reaction.

I say just talk to your partner and tell him his actions are getting worse and he needs to do something about it. Mine went to a therapist and a course for anger management and it worked, he sees everything in a different way when something starts to bug him. However I would say if his actions start to aim your way, then do not live in fear and really confront him about him behaviour. If he so much dares to hit you though, don’t stay – run.

But yeah, I think in these cases frustration and stress is just getting to him. Perhaps arrange for a few days away to chill and relax?

Post # 7
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yeah, that’s how my parents interacted sometimes too. And I used to start fights like that with my Fiance also. It came down to hearing almost the exact same words coming out of my mouth for me to realize it, and then I had to train myself out of it. Now when I’m upset I literally look for the trigger-phrases, take a deep breath, and start again.

I’m not sure that helps, but if you guys can talk this over and he can see how it affects you and how ineffective his behavior is, maybe he’ll be willing to work on it.

Post # 8
1313 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

I really like what you said here:

“He is a wonderful person, he has a big heart of gold, and even though he rarely says the ‘right’ things and isn’t a romantic gesture kind of person, he spoils me and loves me and we generally have a happy little life together.  This, however, needs to stop.  I won’t live my life ‘hiding’ in the other room pretending not to hear his rants, or trying to hurry up and find whatever it is that he’s lost so he can calm down.  I also will not raise children in a home where their father is always angry.”

I would first start by apologizing for yelling, and then explain to him what you said above.  That you love him and he is a wonderful person and he makes you happy, but that you won’t put up with the anger tantrums any more, and will not raise children with him until he’s able to control it.  Be very careful not to come across in such a way that will make him defensive.  just make it clear you are on his side, and will do what it takes to keep your lives together happy.

I’m not sure what will help him with his outbursts, but you should help him come up with a solution, whether it be counseling, or him just putting forth that extra effort to keep his anger under control. 

Good luck!

Post # 9
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

1. Apologize. An apology isn’t a sign of weakness. it’s a sign of how much you value your relationship and his feelings. Even if he does not apologize, you should anyway. Be the bigger person.

2. It sounds like your Fiance may benefit from some individual counseling to work through his old issues and develop coping mechanisms for dealing with his emotions so that they don’t overwhelm him and lead to these outbursts.

3. You need to tell him how his outbursts make you feel, and how it felt to see your furbaby so upset. He needs to know how his behavior affects you and your household. He also needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable, and is compromising your future together.

Post # 10
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012


Two words: Anger Management. Non negotiable. Also, if he does have a dirty past, it needs to be dealt with, before the wedding. Even if you dont think he will become violent towards you and the puppy, he is at the very least, being completely disrespectful with the yelling, screaming, blaming, waking you up super early for something he KNOWS will happen. I cant leave things lying around on the floor either, or it WILL end up in the dog bed, under the couch, ect.

heres what to say to him when he gets home..

You are a wonderful person with a heart of gold…”This, however, needs to stop. I won’t live my life ‘hiding’ in the other room pretending not to hear his (your) rants, or trying to hurry up and find whatever it is that he’s (you’ve) lost so he can calm down. I also will not raise children in a home where their father is always angry”

Get some resources in order, go to couples counseling if he wont go by himself or if he needs your support.

My ex had a violent temper about stupid things also, and it did escalate over the years. Never towards me, but we did loose a damage deposit after he threw a computer chair at the wall, leaving a sizeable hole. This was after we were together for a few years, and it scared the crap outta me. It wasn’t the last time he did something like that either.

I hope that you guys can work this out. Dont back down if he become angry with you wanting to live in peace without having to deal with his tantrums.

Best of luck, let us know how it goes <3

Post # 11
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I also agree that you should apologize for yelling, but then describe how you felt and why you felt you had to do it. Also tell him that you will not put up with it any longer.. he can’t go around acting like a big baby all the time (which is what I picture when you describe his actions)



Post # 12
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I grew up with a dad with a temper (a very, very loving and good man, but boy could he go off…) and married a man just like him. He’s done well with counseling to help him figure out why he has such a short fuse, how his upbringing has effected his coping skills etc. and he also learns how to handle his anger better. I’ve been with him to counseling a few times and I realized how I was contributing to the outbursts. I really can’t go yelling at him and expecting him to calm down. Whenever he handles something maturely instead of having a fit he’s pretty proud of himself and that in itself is his motivation to keep working on it. He’s still got a fuse but it’s nothing that interferes with his relationships or work life.

Wait till he’s calm. Apologize for yelling, but tell him you meant what you said and should have communicated it better. He’s probably embarrassed about the fit he had too, so be understanding and try not to make him feel ashamed. Good luck, you guys can get past this. I hope you feel better.

Post # 14
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I totally get where you’re coming from, because my SO is pretty similar. He gets frustrated very easily and flies off the handle. I’m a pretty subdued person. He’s probably heard me yell twice in three years. Here are my thoughts:

#1 Yes, apologize for yelling. It doesn’t mean he didn’t do anyting wrong or that he wasn’t part of your anger. It’s just setting an example for how you want your relationship to be. 

#2 Do take some time to consider how you act in arguments. I’m not saying it’s ok for him to fly into rages, but oftentimes, we more ‘subdued’ people don’t realize the things we do that are just as bad as people who throw tantrums. I always thought I was the ‘mature’ one because I didn’t yell. It took me a long time to understand that I fed into his anger constantly. I was making certain facial expression, comments, passive aggressive behaviors that really triggered him. He was wrong to blow up, but I played a role in it. It was SO wonderful for me to finally accept my place in this. 

#3 I really suggest couples counseling. SO & I have been at it for about 2 months now and we’ve learned so much. He used to have these blow ups 2 or 3 times a week. Now he’s had ONE in 2 months and it was incredibly minor and he calmed himself down very quickly. I’ve seen so much progress!! 


Good luck! Good men can still have bad tempers…and as long as he’s not aiming this AT you, then it’s just another human flaw . 

Post # 15
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Ugh…I feel like I could have written this post myself!!  My Darling Husband is exactly the same way…a great, sweet, loving, kind, “wouldn’t lay a finger on a fly and even refuses to kill bugs” kind of guy.  But he has the SAME temper problem.  He gets overly frustrated at himself when something goes wrong, and will have a tantrum and make a scene.  Usually, it is about him not being able to find something, or something not working the way he wants it to work. 

I’ve had MANY arguments with him about how this absolutely MUST stop.  Even if he is not yelling at me (which, 99 times out of a 100, he is mad about something that has absolutely nothing at all to do with me), I am affected by it!  And so is my dog!  My dog will also cower or run to another room.  I kind of do the same thing (or I guess I should say, “I used to.”).  Now I just get pissed off too.  So many times, I just want to say, “I don’t want to be in a house with an overgrown man-toddler, and I don’t yell when I can’t find things or if something isn’t working.  If there is no one else around to hear you yelling, how am I supposed to think that the anger isn’t somehow directed at me?!?!  Are you just yelling to hear your own self yelling?!?!?  Grow up!!!  You are making a scene for absolutely no reason!!  And even though you don’t want to hear me say it….damnit I told you so about (fill in the blank with x-problem I forewarned him about but he didn’t listen to…like putting his shoes away, or putting a tool back in the toolbox, or picking up his remotes before they are eaten by couch cushions).”  SO. VERY.  AGGRAVATING!

I don’t guess I have any useful advice, other than to call him out on it.  It might have wounded his ego momentarily to figure out his was in the wrong, but you don’t deserve to be in an environment like that (and neither does your pup!).  Sometimes tough love is needed to get someone to see the errors in their ways.  I completely understand what you are going through, though!!!

Post # 16
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

yelling aside – why is it ok for the dog to constantly take & misplace items? being a retriever shouldnt make it ok, he can be trained to mind cant he? 

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