(Closed) NWR: FI is not happy

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sounds like he could use some therapy. Talking to someone can often help. I have several family members who suffer from depression. Their spouses and other members of the family get frustrated with them at times because they vent, but don’t seem to want to do anything about it–that’s part of the problem with depression. It’s very difficult for depressed people to be objective and see outside of themselves to how they are affecting the other people in their lives. He probably has no idea how awful his feelings are making you feel. Try suggesting counseling. Honestly, I would make it a non-negotiable if my Fiance was acting like this. I’ve seen how depression can really damage relationships when the feelings aren’t delt with properly. In some cases, medication does really help. 

Hope things get better soon! ::hugs::

Post # 4
Member
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Does he take anything to help him sleep?  Darling Husband went through this a few years ago and we realized later that his occasional use of Ambien was causing depression.  A few months off of it and the clouds started to part.  Now he is back to the same old Darling Husband that I met.

Post # 5
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@kay01: It does sound like he’s battling with depression.  I tend to do the same like him (I have manic depression).  I know he won’t listen when you tell him to go talk to a therapist but I don’t listen to Fiance.  It’s a really tough thing to deal with.  I understand it’s emotionally wearing on you as well, but please know and remember it’s not you.

If you have a suggestion to go out and do something, but he says no, let it be then.  You can go out on your own if you wish.  Make him want to go out.  Or you two just sit in the house like you always do and it’ll eventually wear on him.

If you have any particular questions, please free feel to PM me.  I’ve dealt with it all my life.

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’ve struggled with depression and he sounds exactly like me during my down-times. It is not normal to feel this way, but he needs to own his feelings and accept that his sadness isn’t normal.  Ask him to remember how things used to be– did he used to play sports, go out, have fun? Can he find a new job? (I know, not the easiest thing in the world, but worth looking into!) 

For me, having plans and making changes made me feel a little more energized.  I did eventually go on medication and talk to a doctor because I finally realized I just wasn’t myself and needed to change something.  To be honest, I saw meds as a “quick fix” sort of thing because I didn’t have the energy to go to therapy.  Yes, there is a sort of stigma about meds, but I could have cared less if they made me feel like myself and give me the energy to get out of bed again. On a positive note, I was on the anti-depressants for nearly 2 years, and feel confident and comfortable enough to go off of it two weeks ago.  I’ve developed new coping strategies and am just in a better place now so that I’m able to function, be energetic, and enjoy things again without the medication! 

As for you, it’s hard to date someone with depression.  My last SO and I broke up around the 3.5 year mark for reasons that were probably rooted in some of my depression.  (I matured more quickly than he did, but it’s hard to date someone when you want to stay in bed all day and they want to party and don’t know how to support you.)  You need to keep yourself happy, don’t be afraid to go out even if he declines an invite. 

Do you have any pets? Is he an animal person? My cat got me through some tough times, as dumb as it sounds.  If he likes dogs, just taking the dog for a walk and being responsible for it’s food/water/happiness might give him a little bump in his routine that helps him out.

Post # 9
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I’m afraid I don’t really have any advice but I’m sure this be really hard. I can kinda relate because I’ve been the depressed person in this situation and I know it effects not just you but those around you.

I know you said he’s resistant to the idea of seeing a therapist, but is there ANY chance he would budge if you really stressed much that would mean to you? To me if I’m going to marry someone it’s important that they take care of their health, and that includes their mental health. I wonder if he might consider doing something if he knew how much this situation was bothering you.

Post # 11
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@kay01: Reading and walking helps me a lot. Physical activity’s good, maybe try to go for a run every once in a while. I’m sorry I don’t have good advise.

For me, extremely deep thoughts in my mind made me realize it wasn’t normal. I looked for help without telling anyone but the therapist only made me feel worst (my case’s not bad enough to go into meds) so I just stopped going. I think Fi gets a bit frustrated when he suggests therapy and I just refuse, but reality is I already know it doesn’t help.

Post # 13
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

It sounds like you have told him how it is affecting you but have you told him how much it is affecting the relationship as a whole?  Maybe he will go to counseling if he knew the toll it was taking on your relationship.  My brother has depression and when his now wife told him that she could not marry him if he did not get help for himself (I am not suggesting you say this to him, it is up to you) he realized that he has a problem if it is affecting his relationship to the point his Fiance at the time may not want to be with him anymore.  Maybe he would be more willing to go to a male counselor? Maybe you should make an appointment for yall to go together and tell him AFTER you make the appointment that you scheduled one.   He might be afraid of going on medications.. medications do not have to be a longterm thing just as one PP said.

Post # 14
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

Your post reminded me of what my Fiance I and I went through/ are still going through on occasions. He has a great paying job ( with high stress), health, ME, a great place to love, friends, family, etc…. how could a guy NOT be happy is what you’re thinking, right?

Well, one thing that has helped us is realizing what type of people we are. It sounds cliche, but the “glass half empty or half full” thing really plays into how you deal with every day stressors. My Fiance is definitely a glass half empty type of guy and I am more of a glass half full person. The opposite person of what you are makes it hard to see eye to eye because you don’t understand the perspective. I would oftenget annoyed because I didn’t “get” how he could be unhappy and he didn’t “get” what I was so damn happy about. I mean… didn’t I have a stressful job, long commute, under paid, dad going through a lot of health issues type of life?? I do… but that is not how I want to look at it. I had to look at his day through HIS eyes and realize that managing 30 people who do not want to work and constantly complaining would drain me, too.

When my Fiance will get in these moods I will have him list off to me the GOOD things. He thought it was stupid at first and was just being a smart ass about some of it but the more I did it the more it helped. I also found a quote that we use a lot:

 

“Just because you have a bad day does not mean you have a bad life”

He printed that out and keeps it on his desk at work and he swears it helps put it all in perspective for him. Everyone will get in a funky mood, but having him talk to me about – why it was bad  or what did he do to make it better had improved his outlook a lot.

I am a firm believe that positive people condition themselves to be that way… and it takes a lot of work because the world can be a very negative place.

A few things that helped us:

1)We changed up our routine a bit, too. He sees his friends more ( without me, even though it wasn’t ever an issue it gives him more free time without me there)

2) we moved the TV out of our bedroom… which sounds small but it keeps the media/entertainment in another room and makes sure we are both going to sleep/being intimate/ being on the same schedule without interferance

3)We eat at home more and when we go “out” it is more of a date night… it helps break up the monotany of day to day life for us. We also cook together more now which helped us “help each other” around the house and got him off of the couch

4) This may be Too Much Information but we have a rule about how many times a week we would have sex. That was the first thing to go when he got stressed… we would stop having sex. Now we have it at least twice a week and I swear it has improved the mood between us and also it keeps us at an intimate level. I know not everyone is active with their SO’s before marriage, so maybe something intimate needs to happen a couple of times a week to keep you on the same page.

 

Sorry this is such a long post… and I definitely do not think it will replace therapy of some sort, but it helped my Fiance to open up and find more joy out of the little things. It also helped me  understand his perspective a little more… so it was a win/win for us.

 

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