(Closed) NWR: Fiance being excluded from work events

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I understand why your Fiance feels badly about this, but I just don’t think that adults should be required to invite all of their coworkers to a private party. It would be different if this was a work-related event. I don’t think this coworker is being mean, she is just having a party and inviting her friends. I agree with several other posters that your Fiance could invite his coworkers to an event that he organizes to show that he is interested in being friends with them outside of the work context.

Post # 33
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I always advise young people entering the workplace that the best way to network and build relationships with colleagues is to go to happy hour.  Its the simplest thing, but it really is effective.  If think he should suggest a happy hour one Thursday/Friday evening to a few co-workers.  Having a few drinks with the people you work will go a long way for him.  I don’t think you should be getting involved by going our with them or inviting them to your house, it would seem kinda weird to me especially if he is an introvert at work.

Post # 34
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@paperumbrella:  I would understand this if it was a bigger office. But when it’s a small office and only a few people are invited and one is specifically left out, it leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

View original reply
@reebee:  Yes, I do don’t think you should do this. I think it’s more like OP’s Fiance should be a ‘bit’ more active at work. See when others are having lunch (if it’s in the cafeteria) and ask ‘Mind if I sit with you?’ and talk a little bit. Step out of your comfort zone etc. You don’t want to just invite strangers to your place. What if they legitimately can’t make it? Your Fiance would feel worse. She can also do what a PP did, bake brownies/cakes for the work place.

View original reply
@moderndaisy:  That totally blows. And I’m telling you, after working in NYC for years, some of these ladies are cray-cray!! It’s happened to me on a smaller scale though. They were ALL smokers so everything had to involve smoking. Whenever they were not at their offices, it was a smoke break. Going to lunch, smoke. Happy hour, smoke. Dinner smoke…and gossip. Catty catty gossip. I was glad not to be friends with them ThankYouVeryMuch! Glad it all worked well for you.

Post # 36
Member
3456 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

While I like the idea of inviting them over to your place, the hour drive may turn some of them off.  Maybe in a few days get your Fiance to email out to everyone and invite them out for happy hour drinks using the fact that you’ll be up there and want to meet everyone. 

Post # 37
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OMG your fiance’s office sounds like a copy of mine!  Difference being, my office is bigger but the population of employees tends to fall in the 60+ or 35-. 

The amount of young people in my age bracket (20-30) is few and far between so we usually all hang out together.  This summer I started getting left out for no apprent reason.  When I confronted the ring leader she told me that I was naive to think I could be invited to everything because sometimes, there just isn’t enough space.  I was like..WTF?  So you can invited everyone else and your honestly comfortable telling me there isn’t room for two more (myself and FI)?

Tell you husband that it isn’t worth his time getting upset by his coworks.  They are MEAN, enjoy being MEAN and get off on being MEAN.  Making friends outside work is his best option.  

What his coworkers fail to realize (what is beginning to start at my work) is that young women get pregnant!  When parts of their clique leave, their group will slowly fall apart.  He will be fine.  They will be a mess.

Post # 38
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think your most recent post is an example of why your Fiance may need to make the initiative here. If he is of a different demographic than the rest of the office, they may assume that he would rather spend his free time working on the house or cooking, rather than go out with them. I do agree that it is rude in a small office to coordinate work-related outings, such as lunch or after work drinks, and not invite everyone, but maybe be because he is a little reserved and “different” (not female, not 20), they assume he is not interested in hanging out. Honestly, I don’t think it would cross mind to invite my older, male coworkers to lunch because I don’t think they would want to come. Rude, probably, but not intentionally hurtful.

I also think some other posters (not the OP) are perhaps projecting their own experiences onto this situation. From the information provided, I don’t really see any evidence of mean girl behavior. They may be a little clueless, but nothing so far shows that they are intentionally being mean.

Post # 39
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

@Bostongrl25:  Aww I know this from both sides, OP!

My fiance is a bit on the young side with his coworkers.  They all used to go out for happy hours, lunches and make weekend plans and leave him out.  He was very discouraged.  Then one day, we ran into their ‘leader’ one morning grabbing breakfast, and I noticed how reserved my fiance was around him (formal- not at all himself!) and I joked around with him about his sports teams (rivals to mine) and invited him to dinner at our house with his gf that upcoming weekend.  They came by, I made a great meal, and little by little, we would be invited out with his coworkers.  Then, my fiance would go alone, or sometimes I would just to try to build solid relationships.  He is now attending one of their bachelor parties in a few months when this time last year he was upset he was not included.

As to my side of this- I have worked in offices with mostly women and I will say this, I have worked with many men who are off putting.  There have been a myriad of reasons they were excluded- perceived indiscretions by the females in the group, perceived flirtation, perceived arrogance (when they were really just shy!), or real arrogance.  I always tried to include them and invite them out, but often the girls just werent themselves arounf a singular guy at lunch or HH.  I am not sure if this helps, but maybe it would help him to know this is not just something that happens to him alone!  I would definitely try to engage these girls in a lunch or HH date, or perhaps meet up with them one on one to try to build some relationships.

Post # 41
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yes, I realize I was preaching to the choir, as you did already state that you realize that your fiancé (I don’t know why my iPad keeps auto-correcting this to the female version of this word) need to take more initiative.

I guess I just don’t agree with your last statement, but I can see how you feel that way, so we will just have to happily disagree on that point. 🙂

I do hope your fiancé finds a way to be more content with his work situation.

Post # 42
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
@paperumbrella: I agree with this. 

I know it has been said before, but I honestly believe that the only way to develop relationships is to put oneself out there. It can be a little uncomfortable for those of us shy people, but there is an element of “putting yourself on the line” that is required to join any sort of group or develop a friendship beyond an acquaintance-ship. It doesn’t sound like the coworkers were being intentionally rude, which should make it easier for your Fiance when he decides to take the next step and invite his coworkers out to a happy hour nearby (which is what I think his next step should be). Heck, since neither you nor he know the details of how the other friendships in the office developed, it’s possible that everyone who was invited has made some sort of initiative to befriend other co-workers (inviting people out to happy hour, organizing some activity outside of the office, going out of their way to be friendly during break-times, etc.) and that, they have perceived your husband’s shyness as aloof-ness or disinterest in making friends. Maybe if you point out to him that they may not know he’s even interested in being friends, he’ll be more prone to take the initiative and organize something? I would not advise him to invite people to your home, since it is a bit of a drive and people will be less likely to come (which would probably hurt your FI’s feelings even more).

Does your fiance have a solid group of friends outside of work? While it is always nice to be friends with those we work with, and it’s never nice to feel excluded, I’ve found that the times that I am most bothered by not fitting in at work are when I don’t have a very strong community outside of work. Maybe if he works on building that up or spending time with his current friends, he won’t feel as bad about being excluded at work?

Post # 43
Member
9478 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

Don’t have any advice, but wanted to say that I go through the same as your Fiance at my work.  I’ve been there about a year and have been left out on many occasions.  People openly spoke about parties, going out, etc right in front of me.  I remember leaving work one day and two of the girls (who I THOUGHT were my friends) talked about going to breakfast (we work night shift) right in front of me.  No “hey, you should come too!” or anything.  I was devastated.  I ran home and cried (hate to admit that).  But yeah… definitely understand and know where he’s coming from.  Just give him lots of hugs and love.  He’s better off without them even though it’s hard to accept and understand.

The topic ‘NWR: Fiance being excluded from work events’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors