Post # 1
Looking for some outside perspective and any ideas for how I can communicate with my fiance. Background, we live together, have a seven year old son, we have a generally happy and healthy relationship and we are equal contributors both financially and to the household. I definitely bear all of the organizational labour when it comes to our son though and I always have. My fi has worked overseas off and on from the time our son was born until he was 6, with his longest stint away being 11 months. He has been home for a year and a half and it has been wonderful. There were some very difficult periods of time for me while he was gone though.
I need a break. Just a short one. My best friend lives somewhere tropical and I can go visit her for a week for not much money. We can afford it. I asked him how he felt about it and he didn’t seem thrilled, but he said to book it if it is something I really want, so I did. I will get paid while I’m there and I’ll still have to do some work while I’m there.
Now he’s pissed off. He doesn’t want me to go. He says it’s selfish that I would spend our money on a trip that doesn’t include him.
Bee’s, I don’t know what to say, but I have two weeks to turn this around and hopefully help him understand that it’s ok if I go. I want him to be supportive and happy for me, just as I have been for every single one of his many trips he has taken in the past seven years. Any ideas?
Post # 2
daisy123 : tell him to suck up and put up. He was gone for 11 months – he can’t complain about 1 week.
enjog your trip
Post # 3
I think it’s pretty shitty that he told you (grudgingly) that he was okay with it, and now he’s calling you selfish.
I mean, at this point it’s not about the money, and it’s not about the trip. You agreed to something together, and now he’s trying to make you feel bad and calling you selfish. He is being unfair and that’s far more concerning.
I know he was working on his overseas trips, not vacationing, but I doubt he had his nose to the grindstone 24/7. I am sure he had downtime to sleep in, to eat meals uninterrupted, etc, while you have had next to none.
I don’t know your finances, but it sounds like this won’t break your bank nor preclude a family trip. He is the one who seems very selfish.
Post # 4
Work trips are definitely different than a vacation. Is he also feeling tired and burnt out? Has he had any vacations lately? I would definitely still go but perhaps figure out something for him to get away also or maybe a family trip in a few months.
Post # 5
I’d just point out it’s ok for him to travel frequently for up to 11 months at a time, leaving you a lone parent and so he can handle a single week. You’ve supported him and he’s a knob for not supporting you.
So he can either admit he’s not able to be a lone parent for a week or he STFU and get on with it, like you had to.
Post # 6
The answer is, simply, too bad. He said he was ok with it so you booked it and now you’re going. Period. You’ll be happy to help him organize things before you go, but you are – in fact – going. This is no longer up for debate.
You teach people how to treat you. Teach him that you will be treated as an adult, decision-making individual. If you let him make you feel badly, you are opening a door to a whole new dynamic. Don’t do it.
Post # 7
He sounds like he’s being very selfish. He had plenty of solo trips while you stayed home and did 100% of the daily grind. Even if he was working, he still got to eat his dinner in peace, didn’t have to worry about anything to do with the kiddo or read books, play with him, put him to bed, etc. That’s exhausting to do alone all the time.
Take your vacation and don’t feel guilty. If he’s really being a baby about it I’d tell him he’s free to take a short vacay for the same amount of money at a later date.
Post # 8
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
daisy123 : A good spouse should support the need for a nice break with a good friend, especially seeing as he was gone for 11 months at a time… come on. Seems very hypocritical and one-way to me.
Post # 9
Tell him to suck it up buttercup. I wouldn’t even engage in a conversatio about it to be honest. Id say, well you said it was ok when we discussed it, so i booked it, and i am going. You are a father and are perfectly capable of taking care of our child while i am gone. If i can do it, you can do it. byeee!!!
Post # 10
Im not sure him working abroad gives much of a leg to stand on as that was for work and (I assume) work paid for expenses. Now if he got to do fun trips while on those stints then yes, you can play that card. But just working abroad…not the same as visiting a friend for some R&R.
I think you need to get at the real root of why he’s upset.
Is he upset because he doesn’t want to solo parent for a week? Because he’s stressing financially (i.e. was he hoping to use this money for some other expenditure that he would benefit from)? Because he feels like he’s never had the opportunity to go on a trip with friends/buddies without you?
Calling it selfish that you’re spending combined money on a trip he’s not going on only makes sense if you guys also have personal accounts — but if everything is joint then all he’s saying is “You wanting to go on this trip without me is selfish” in which case you need to understand WHY he thinks that’s selfish.
Once you know why he’s actually upset you can work through it.
Not wanting to solo parent – harden the f-up. You did it for 11 months, he can do a week.
Conflicting financial prioriites – emphasize that in a partnership the timing of ‘fair’ works out over the longer run. You get this ‘perk’ now, but there will be an opportunity where the family sacrifices (time, money, other wants – whatever it may be) so he can get what he want. That’s the nature of long term relationships and it’s the long term balance that matters.
Feeling like he doesn’t get to do friend trips – make clear you’re very supportive of them! He’s welcome to do something with buddies! You two just need to discuss and plan together to make it happen and make sure it’s staying balanced between you on sharing the home load.
ANother thing to address is that his opportunity to voice opposition was when you brought the idea up with him BEFORE booking. Plans are now made, he has to honor what he agreed to and if he’s now uncomfortable with it then that’s good learning for him for the next time.
Post # 11
mrsssb : If i can do it, you can do it. byeee!!!
OP, when you say this, make sure you add the BYEEE to your comment please. It’s the best part.
Post # 12
There was another post a few months ago about a retired husband wanting to take solo trips, and most of the bees were adamantly against it – why should he want to spend money being apart, why doesnt he want me to be included, why cant we do things together, etc.
Personally I’m not opposed to solo trips, but I definitely think theres a difference between taking a tropical solo vacation that you happen to complete some work on, and being sent on a work trip. Its a work trip, but its still a chosen vacation.
Do you need a break from HIM or just from general life and parenthood? Could a grandparent babysit and you both get away for a while?
Post # 13
I think it’s pointless that all these posters are saying if it was okay for him to work away then it’s okay for you to take a solo vacation, but those are hardly the same thing.
I don’t think it’s fair that he has changed his mind, is it possible he wasn’t really into it to begin with but you chose not to see it?
I do think it is unfair if you booked this but finances are tight and travelling together is cut for this trip but I guess it’s booked now either way.
Post # 14
daisy123 : Now he’s pissed off. He doesn’t want me to go. He says it’s selfish that I would spend our money on a trip that doesn’t include him.
I don’t know your finances, but this sounds like bullshit. And easily resolved- tell him he is free to spend what you budgeted for this vacation on his own trip, or some kind of treat for himself.
I mean, you booked a plane ticket already right? That money is usually non refundable. So having you cancel it won’t save that much money.
It sounds to me more like he never wanted you to go, but couldn’t think of a logical reason why not when you first asked him, but was hoping his unenthusiastic approval was enough to deter you from making arrangements. Now that this trip is happening, he’s sulking.
Post # 15
I think it’s kind of irrelevant whether it’s “selfish” to go because he told you he was okay with it, he doesn’t get to change his mind because the idea of being a single parent for a week isn’t as appealing any more or he’s decided he wants a holiday too. You did the right thing by checking with him first, he said no problem, so you made plans and booked it, if he’s now decided he’s not actually okay with it then too bad, he should have said something at the time. I think he needs a much better reason than “it’s selfish” to make you cancel your holiday, which you deserve after being a single parent for so long, yes he was working, but he didn’t have any to do childcare while he was away, so had it much easier than you.