(Closed) NWR – For those of you who are living together or intimate with your FIs

posted 9 years ago in Catholic
Post # 3
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I have lived with my Fiance for 3 years, and I take communion.  I guess I didn’t really think about it.  I’m also awful about going to confession, so maybe I’m not the right person to ask.

Is there a priest that you can talk to that isn’t affiliated with your parish?  You could see what they think?

Post # 4
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Well I think you are doing the right thing by not taking communion.  Only you (and God) know for sure, but I would see that as a sign that you are sorry.  You feel guilt.  That says something.

I know how you feel, in a way.  I didn’t live with my husband before marriage.  But you could say we got caught up in stuff we shouldn’t have.  I didn’t go up to communion a whole lot at that point.  But I also didn’t go to confession a bunch either.  An while I felt guilty, at the same time, thought how hard am I really going to try not commit the sin again?  I wish, now, that I had played it differently back then…but we grow from our mistakes and sins.

I can say now, I go to confession frequently.  I think confession is a process.  The more you go, the better you feel, the more enlightened, the stronger your will power is, etc.  Try that, maybe.  But also I like the idea of actually talking to a priest.  Instead of going to normal confession hours, you can probably set up an appointment for a private confession, and talk at that time.

Post # 5
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Also, I don’t think you can be forgiven until you can honestly say that you won’t do it anymore.  Maybe you will have to wait for that confession until just before the wedding.

Post # 6
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I guess I would say you have to search your heart and try to figure out whether you actually feel guilty yourself, or whether your feel like you should feel guilty and don’t so that’s what’s making you feel bad.  The two of you have to make the choice that’s right for you and fits with what you really believe about God and sex- whatever that is.  Because if you’re trying to stop, but he isn’t on board (which it sounds like) and you’re not 100% either, you’re just setting yourself up for failure.  I say pray about it, I like the idea of seeking the advice of a priest at another parish so you will feel like you can speak freely without worrying about potential wedding consequences, and be in open communication with your Fiance about all your feelings related to this.  Whatever you decide- your wedding is getting close now so at least you can feel good about the fact that it won’t be a problem for much longer 😉

Post # 7
2867 posts
Sugar bee

My suggestion:  if you cannot live on your own (my current situation), then avoid being intimate and try to live as “roommates”.  Confess your intimacy sins and receive after consulting a preist.

My boyfriend and I live in same apartment, different bedrooms, in the jenkiest complex and we’re so poor (full time college students paying our way w/ no help from parents, working 30 hrs/wk for our living expenses barely managing but that’s completely different story).  Sorry for taking over your thread a little w/ personal stuff but illustrating that living as roommates and being chaste can be okay.  I wish there were another way but there isn’t in my case and perhaps in yours.

Post # 8
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think its great that you know enough not to receive communion while in the state of mortal sin. For some reason, a lot of people dont even think about this and are living a very sacrelige life. Anyways, if you are going to go to confession, you promise God to “ammend your life” which means changing your living situation. Fiance and I were living as “roommates” for about 14 months and not sleeping together; we had seperate bedrooms, and were not living as a married couple. However, our priest was not going to marry us if we did not seperate, so he is currently living with his parents til the wedding (Which isnt far from now luckily) and i am living in his house (where we both lived together) and it has been fabulous for our relationship. We miss each other so much more and look forward to our time together more than ever. Although we werent sleeping together–neither of us were virgins so we know what we are missing and we are fine with it, but not having sex isnt going to make or break you….at least it shouldnt.


So, i urge you to think about whether you are really sorry because the whole point of confession and penance is to ammend your life, and theres no point of confessing if you dont plan on changing anything…

Post # 9
2867 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah, I agree with alishadhs4, please do your best to live in separate places.  You have to have a pretty serious reason to be able to be “roommates” and I can’t go into the specifics of mine but we are “roommates”.

Post # 10
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I applaud you for not taking communion!!!  That is absolutely wonderful and sets a positive example.

My fiance’ and I are still technically virgins and are waiting for our wedding day, but since we’ve been engaged, living chastely has been difficult.  We went through periods of feeling very discouraged.  For lent, one of the things we gave up together was prolonged kissing and cuddling on the bed.  It worked for most of lent.  But yea it hasn’t been easy at all. 

The thing to remember is that imperfect contrition is good enough for the confessional, but not good enough if you’re expectation is that you’ll lose all attachment in that sin and not repeat the sin.  Confession restores the grace you need to help you in the fight to be chaste and in my personal opinion making frequent confessions is the only way to go.

In practical matters, I would say that living together is a near occassion of sin.  If you can rectify that situation till you’re wedding in any way, I would do that.  For lent, my fiance’ and I recommitted ourselves to chastity and gave up prolonged kissing and cuddling on the bed.  The key to chastity expecially when engaged is to not give yourself the opportunity.  Its denying yourself the opportunity that is usually the hard part, though there are other times he’s just in the room and we just give up then and there through a simple touch of our hands.  We’re just like “Forget this chastity stuff.  I want to make out with you.”  We still don’t have intercourse though, though I realize my imperfect motivation in that.  Its more pride than anything.  I’ve waited this long and I’d be just humiliated to lose it a week before the wedding.  I’m just SO better than that.

I think I’ve had friends who’ve been better at the chastity stuff than myself.  That makes me feel bad, but I can’t beat myself up about it.  I need to allow Christ to convert over more of my heart to Him. 

So yes, get yourself to confession, but on top of that, get yourself on a regular confession schedule.  My fiance’ parents only recently returned to the Church.  They were very respectful in not receiving the Eucharist when they’d go to Mass with us.  Then one day they started asking us about confession.  Seriously, they hadn’t gone in decades.  It was so joyful for us all and the following Mass we went to was even more joyful for they finally got to receive the Eucharist.  Denying yourself when in a state of mortal sin is helps you to appreciate Christ and his sacrifice.  It recognizes that you’re truly unworthy to receive this astonishing gift and need to be in the right state…like ming sure you’re well groomed and dressed nice for a formal event.  It gives respect to God and expresses humility. 

Have a blessed Easter!!

Edit:  For approaching the confessional, the best advice I could give you is to make a good examination of conscience and to write down your sins so as not to forget them in your anxiety.  What I usually do when I’m unsure about my situation is that I’ll confess the specific sin.  I sometimes just say “My fiance and I were unchaste.”  I then may bring up circumstances or things I’ve noticed.  Things I’m pondering about it and other things I observe that are going on in my heart.  Going to confession frequently helps you to dig deeper into your motivations.  But the other thing is just to not worry about what the priest thinks about you.   Don’t try to rationalize your sins by defending yourself.  The best way to get advise that is more pertinent to your situation is to go to have a regular confessor.  Each confessor has his own style, so while you’re looking, if you come across one you don’t like, try someone else.  Just remember, you’re going there to receive mercy and not judgment.

Post # 11
16 posts
  • Wedding: June 2010

I just returned from my engagement encounter and it was overwhelming how many couples were already living together. Even two of the presenters, who were a younger married, couple lived together before marriage.

The priest there did not pass jusgement on anyone. Which I think everyone appreciated.

The presenter, who lived with her Fiance before marriage, said that after her engaged encounter weekend she felt guilty for being intimate before marriage, and she and her Fiance made a vow together from that weekend forward to be abstinent until their wedding night. 

My Fiance and I live together too, and we have made the choice to be abstinent until we are married.

If you are having so much guilt, then maybe confession and moving out might be a good idea if you think it will help you feel better about your situation. Otherwise, I might suggest going to confession and being honest with your Fiance about the guilt you are feeling and then you both can make the decision together about what to do.

There were plenty of couples there who lived together and still took communion. It doesn’t make them bad people and those who think they are should not be so quick to judge. After all “he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Good luck to you and your Fiance and many blessings for a wonderful and happy life together.

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