Post # 1
I really need some friendship advice. Usually I know what I need to do for myself, but in this situation, I’m kind of at a loss.
I’ve been at my job for over 5 years, and instantly a co-worker and I just clicked. We have been great friends, but over the last year and a half I have found myself wanting to distance myself from her. I feel like I have outgrown her. She is a nice person but she drinks alot, parties alot, she has cheated on her boyfriend- Basically stuff that didn’t really bother me in my early twenties (she was a fun girl to party with). I am now going to be in my 30s next year, and I just don’t want to be around that. It’s also put a strain in my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years because he doesn’t trust her and with good reason: Her best friend (a guy), has a crush on me and one night a few months ago (I had a death in the family) we all got together (minus my boyfriend) and drank some margaritas. I passed out, and the guy crept in my room and started kissing me and I kissed him back for 30 seconds before I realized what was going on. I came clean and told my boyfriend about this. He was kind of mad, but more mad at the guy. I was mad at myself for putting myself in that position. I just feel as if I find myself in situations around her that I don’t want to be in. I knew the guy liked me and I told her that he gets to flirty for my taste when he drinks and she needed to talk to him about that. She just laughed and said, “It was just a kiss. No big deal”.
I have been looking for a new job at the end of the year so I am hoping that will help to give us distance. I just don’t know how to deal with her because I see her 5 days a week and she can be a loud and confrontational person, so talking like an adult doesn’t really work.
Post # 3
You can try and let the friendship die a natural death. Don’t make plans with her, tell her you are busy when she wants to get together, don’t go to lunch with her, etc. Personally, I would be direct and say you feel like your lives are going in different directions.
I don’t understand why you thought she should talk to this guy about his behavior… IMO it was up to you to tell him he is behaving inappropriately. He kissed you, not her and it made you uncomfortable, not her. No one is responsible for standing up for you or solving your problems except you.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
People grow and change over time, don’t feel bad for needing to distance yourself (and it definitely sounds like you do, if being around her puts in you situations like you just described). Just start getting “too busy” to hang out.
Post # 5
The key is here, to do this slowly. Just make yourself increasingly unavailable. When you do hang with her don’t drink around her, or only have one drink. Tell her you want to cut the alcohol out of your diet or something. I know what its like to attempt to end a friendship you’ve outgrown when you’re dealing with someone who is confrontational. Its really hard and it takes time, eventually after enough “Oh, I cant hang out on Saturday night, because I have plans with (insert bf’s/other friend’s name here)” she’ll get the hint.
Post # 6
Thanks guys- Good advice so far. And yes, it is up to me to talk to him. I did before and he still acted the way he did, that’s why I thought maybe it would be better if it came from her. His acting out is also when intoxicated. I guess alcohol is the common theme here, and I love drinks on the weekends like the next person, but their over consumption is becoming a problem with me.