(Closed) NWR – Good Friend In A Unhealthy Relationship

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

Pushing each other?  That sounds abusive. 

Post # 4
Member
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Yeah. That is abuse. She needs a serious wakeup call before she ends up in a situation she doesn’t want to be in. 

Post # 6
Member
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

The thing is, abuse isn’t just physical–it starts in your head, which is why it’s so hard for her to leave him. She’s probably scared, and probably not all that confident in herself.

I don’t really know how to help you out in this situation, but I hope that you find someone who can!

Ugh. This stuff makes me so MAD. Yell

Post # 8
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I have a good friend who is was in a dysfunctional relationship like that (both of them much older than your friend and her BF) for 10 years. I finally came to the conclusion that it was because they were both addicted to the drama. I’m sure you can Google it and learn about relationships like that.

It’s a cycle, argue, get really upset, make up, everything is lovely, argue, get really upset, make up, everything is lovely… you see where I’m going with this, right? And it seems like BOTH parties know that the sitaution is not right/healthy but, like many other unhealthy cycles, it’s hard to break.

It also sounds like their relationship involves abuse (on both sides if she’s also pushing). As a good friend it’s natural to worry.

I would say this, you can (and should) talk to your friend about your concerns but becareful about with the words you use, if you talk to her. Use “I statements,” like “I’m worried about you because you always seem upset,” or “I am concerned that you guys pushing each other may get more serious,” etc.

With my friend, I always asked her questions and listened to her answers. After initially telling her I thought her realtionship was unhealthy, I didn’t beat her to death with it because I’ve found that has the opposite effect. Instead, if she ASKED my opinion, I would say, “Well, I would worry that he is going to do this behavior again,” or “isn’t this like the last time when….” and then, again, ask her questions to try to help her figure out WHY she was continually dealing with this crap. I wouldn’t jump on the “he’s such a looser” train because that just made her defensive because really it’s not about whether the guy is a looser/jerk, etc. but WHY our friends are choosing to deal with them, KWIM?

It’s not easy to watch a friend go through this, I know. Sometimes I wanted to slap her and be like, “when is enough enough?!” Anyway, hopefully your friend will realize she deserves more sooner rather than later. If you can, maybe suggest she talk to a counsler or something.

((hugs!))

Post # 9
Member
599 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry to say this but what I have noticed with my friends is that nothing I or anyone else says makes any difference unless they learn it for themselves.

Post # 10
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

CurlyDreamer stated it sooooo well. My sister was in an abusive relationship for years. The abuse gets psychologically entrenched, and it is very hard for them to leave. Eventually she did. I would do exactly what CurlyDreamer suggested. Just be there for her as best you can! Unfortunately the decision for her to leave must be her own.

Post # 11
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

My sister was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years too. If you think it is hard for a friend, it took everything in me not to kill the boy dating my little sister. But eventually, I realised that she had to learn the hard way. She had to have her heart broken and rebuild her self esteem but honestly, that is the only way. Just be there when she needs you. Bite your tongue instead of saying I told you so. And ask how can I help you.

Post # 12
Member
3285 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

ugh, those situations are the worst because there is not a lot you can do to change things….CurlyDreamer had excellent advice, and I can attest from seeing this firsthand, being there for your friend is the best thing you can do!

Post # 13
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

I was in an abusive relationship for about 2 years. It started with pushing, a lot of arguing, and him leaving for hours without me being able to find him. He would always come back, say that he loves me, and then everything would be okay again but he would do it again a week or two later. After we had a child and the abuse didn’t stop I knew what I had to do. I never want my child to be around that type of abuse and I love myself and my son more than any man. For me I know that I had a lot of issues dealing with child hood abuse. All of my friend tried talking me into leaving him but I just wouldn’t listen. It wasn’t until something just clicked in my head one day that I am worth more than this, that I decided it was over and I was done for good. I do not think it is just that she likes drama but I would warn her that he pushes now but he will start attacking her soon. Maybe your friend has issues that you do not know about. Maybe she is depressed or maybe she has been through somethings in her past that you do not know about. Just continue to be there for you friend and keep telling her that she is worth more than that type of situation and that man. Even if she doesn’t listen just keep telling her, I know that is what really got me through my situation. My best friend and sister wouldn’t allow me to think that i was worthless and she constantly told me I was worth so much more. She was always there for me but she never held back the truth…

Post # 14
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Oooh this is always such a hard situation to observe. Definitely be there for her and don’t be judgemental.You’re a good friend for caring about her and worrying.

 

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