NWR: Help settle an argument between DH and I

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

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sweetdee89 :  This is a fantastic idea. Instead of giving her the money and hoping she actually pays something off with it, pay it directly. 

OP you have no idea if she is actually using the money to pay off any pending debts or digging herself deeper with something else she wants.

Doesnt have food in the house for her daughter, then go to the grocery store and buy the food, this way you know thats what the money is being spent on and not on something else. 

You can definitely help without enabling her by handing money over to her. My sister is a drug addict and under no circumstances would I hand her a dime, because she might say its for food, but then end up at the meth house looking for a fix.

Even my own mother has come to terms with the fact that we cant just give her money. From time to time she will come around looking for money and say she needs it for clothes or for food, so now my mom will make her sit down and do online shopping and does a meal delivery service so that my mom doesnt feel guilty about helping. 

By the way, your sister isnt stupid with money. She knows exactly what she is doing, she knows she overspends, then she needs someone to bail her out, and then you run in and save her til the next go round. She has an addiction or a self esteem issue that needs to be fixed or budgeting wont help her at all. You can set a budget, doesnt mean she will stick to it. 

Post # 47
Member
3899 posts
Honey bee

You are enabling her bad behavior by helping her out when she is in need.  What happens when she can’t get another loan to pay you back?  Are you ok with the loss of that money?

And sure, you can sit down with her and try to teach her how to budget, but she has been lying to her partner for years….do you think she is going to be 100% transparent with you? 

Post # 48
Member
3899 posts
Honey bee

Think about it.  She knows that you are willing to give her money.  She’d be stupid to not entertain you by sitting down and pretending to learn.  She knows if she doesn’t, then you’ll cut her off.

If she is this bad with money and has been lying to her partner for years, she has more than $12K in debt.  That’s just what she is willing to admit to you.

I’d have her pull a credit report so that you can see the full picture of her finances.   

 

Post # 49
Member
9071 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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sbl99 :  I think you’re enabling her but also getting in the middle of her marriage. If I found out my husband not only was racking up debt but hiding it and using other family members to bail him out I would be PISSED. At all of you. She needs to grow up and learn how to (1) handle money and (2) be honest with her partner. 

Post # 50
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Also if she thinks that her partner is really gonna leave her after she tells him about all of this mess, she needs to start saving extra money in case they do separate and he no longer pays the rent, etc.

Post # 51
Member
3899 posts
Honey bee

I think she needs to come clean to her SO.  That would be one of my stipulations if I were to help her dig herself out of this mess.

Post # 52
Member
6170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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sharpshooter :  agree wholeheartedly with this. She should be held accountable and made to tell her partner if she really plans to change. He needs to know. I would be LIVID if my bil and sil kept covering my husbands debts, knowing I had no idea. 

Post # 53
Member
6981 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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sbl99 :  This is great and all, but the fact that her soon-to-be husband still has no idea about any of this still really really REALLY skeeves me out.

Financial infidelity is very real and your sister is commiting it. I personally would not be okay with putting myself in the middle of that over and over again. Or even just “one last time.” 

Post # 54
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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LilliV :  I completely agree. 

OP, you’re enabling your sister’s poor habits every time you loan/gift her money. You’re also enabling her to continue to lie to her spouse (you know, the person she’s tied to financially, legally, etc.)  who should be working with her on fixing her spending habits. Also, she’s not financially stupid. She’s wilfully spending money she doesn’t have because she knows someone will bail her out before her huband finds out. Guess what? Her husband WILL find out. He’ll likely be angry with her for lying and with you/your spouse for enabling her. 

Do not pass go. Do not collect $500. Seriously.  Just stop. 

“I’m sorry. We are not able to help out. Please go talk to your husband.” Rinse and repeat. 

Post # 55
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

 I absolutely do NOT think you should be giving her more money. What has she actually done to prove that she is working on this besides what just barely happened? It looks like she’s taking the right steps- but I have a lot of addicts in my life and they have a tendency to tell me what I want to hear and then go about doing whatever the hell they want anyway. Why? Because it’s an addiction. Can I try to get them help? Oh I’ve tried, which it sounds like you’re doing, and kudos to you for that. The other thing I’d like to mention is that you may be slightly codependent. 

Codependent:

  • characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

I get it- I have to really check myself about getting in other people’s lanes because I feel like it’s my RESPONSIBILITY to fix things for other people. But there’s a difference between helping her and enabling her, and you are enabling. You know you are. I would look further into codepence if I were you.

The fact is- NOTHING SHE DOES IS YOUR FAULT. NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO HER CHILD IS YOUR FAULT. You are financially responsible, and that is all that matters. It’s really hard watching people drown in a puddle when all they have to do is stand up, especially when it’s our immediate family, but you cannot fix it for her. You can absolutely support her: go meet people with her to help her financial situation, listen to her concerns, etc. but giving her money is not helping her. The end. 

Post # 56
Member
7133 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m commenting to follow. I recall your previous post about your sister. I hope you will come back to share how things went with your meeting. 

 

Post # 58
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Proud of you bee. I am actually not surprised that it was way more than you thought. Usually we are only given a glimpse of the problem. I hope everything works out with her and that she finally learns some financial responsiblity and independence. I am sure a lot of anxiety can be cured while she works her way through this issue. 

Post # 59
Member
6170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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sbl99 :  you shouldn’t be lending her any money at all. You’re STILL enabling her.  Her partner deserves to know all of this. 

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