(Closed) NWR: His mom hates us

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

why don’t you guys go visit her and talk to her about it?

Post # 4
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You didn’t say who he spent most of his time with after the divorce – did he live with his dad and not see his mom very often?  There’s not much in your post that suggests outright hatred or hostility, just indifference.  But I agree that it is unkind to ignore a son’s tries for communication but take advantage of his housework skills.  

Maybe he’s trying for a relationship that just isn’t there; you did say that they have almost no relationship.  Maybe she’s just not ballsy enough to tell him straight out that, due to whatever history they have, she just isn’t as close to him as she is to his sisters?

My fiance has a slightly similar situation, but in his case he’s not close to either of his parents – by his own choice.  They also divorced early in his life, and he and his brother bounced back and forth between the two parents, but they got a little left behind when each parent remarried, dated other people, had more kids.  Now his parents are the ones chasing after him, wondering why he doesn’t really care about having a relationship with them.  It’s sad, especially when one person doesn’t get that the other doesn’t care.  I’m sorry – I watch my SO’s family drama, so I know it’s hard to see and to figure out how to help.  Sometimes all you can do is just be there for him yourself and try to help him not care so much that his mom is so distant.

Post # 5
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Maybe he reminds her of her ex-hubby? Which sucks and is immature, but you just never know what drives people, you know? Sometimes they don’t even realize they are doing it. Either way, I think it’s worth it for him to talk to her about it, that he feels like she isn’t as close as he’d like their relationship to be and he’s like to build a bridge. If she doesn’t step up… then he may have to cut his losses, sadly.

It must be hard for you to see this… it has to be heartbreaking.

Post # 6
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Oh, my. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I would say that some people just don’t take an interest in their children’s SO’s, but this is obviously not the case with her as she visits her daughters often. Maybe you and your SO need to confront her about this to get to the bottom of it. If she won’t visit, why not just drop in on her? That way she’ll be forced to socialise with you and might get used to it.

Post # 9
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

That’s awful. Does it undermine his relationship with his sisters, too?

Post # 10
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly I dont know what you can do, if she really doesnt like him and wont admit it then theres little you can do. There could be a reason for this that we dont know, maybe she blames him for the divorce in some way?

Post # 13
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

We’re in a similar situation and I know how much it sucks. In my DH’s case, Mother-In-Law raised him as a single parent after his father passed away, and they were very close. He’s the only child. After we started dating, she made it clear she disliked me and the whole idea of our relationship. After we got engaged and married, it just kept getting worse. She has basically chosen to have no relationship with us/him. 

I don’t know what advice I can give you since I’m struggling with this myself right now, but just know you’re not alone. Try not to focus on it so much and enjoy the good relationships you do have with his sisters and your family. 

Post # 14
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Bostongrl25:  That’s awesome that he and his sisters are still close even with his mom in the picture.  Maybe you can subtly help him to spend more attention on the good relationships he has with them, his dad, friends, you 😉 .  It sounds like, for whatever reason, she’s determined to keep him at arms length and he might need a little help letting go of the idea that he and his mom need to be close.  Especially if he’s still ready to drop everything when she calls for a favor.  Would he get upset if you encouraged him to agree to help her out, but on his own time and terms and not at her beck and call?

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