Post # 1
Hey ladies.. bad news on the family front. I found out my sister had a miscarrigae today. I dont know too many of the details- I didnt even know she was pregnant although I guess she has been for a bit now. But, she has a 7 month old and wasnt exactly planning for another child. I guess my question is, how will this affect her emotionally (especially right around the holidays) and how can I be most supportive? My sister and I are just now becoming close after a childhood of many differences, so Im not too good at this stuff!
Post # 3
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I don’t have any personal experience, just tell her that you are there for her if she needs anything. She might not want to talk about it and might want to spend some time alone. I don’t know how far along she was but it seems like when people lose a baby earlier it is easier to get over (not that it doesn’t hurt them badly). I knew someone who lost her twins at the end of her second trimester and she was completely devastated. I hope your sister will be alright.
Post # 4
I think missAsB might have meant earlier instead of later (just throwing that out there)
I too would offer my condolences, and if you’re physically located close to her, offer to watch the baby for her, cook her a meal or send her some sweets so that she knows you’re trying to cheer her up in such a sad time. I feel so sad for her that it happened around a holiday, how awful!
Best wishes to you and your family.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry this happened to her! I don’t have any experience with helping anyone in this situation. I imagine, though, that the best thing you can do is offer your support if she needs a shoulder to cry on, or someone to just listen to how she feels. Maybe she’ll want some time to herself to grieve/reflect/meditate/etc., so taking her baby for a couple hours might to wonders for her spirit!
Post # 6
Thanks for the kind words ladies. Like I said, we are slowly working on our “sisterly love” after not getting along so well in younger years. Im just so sad for her! We are all at my parents for the holidays this week so Ill bring her tea in bed in the morning or something and maybe change those poopy diapers! Thanks again for your warm wishes…
Post # 7
it depends on the person and what they need in terms of comfort and support. sometimes just an offer of support is all they want. i’d feel the situation out but let her know that you are there for her if she ever needs you.
Post # 8
Ooh, definitely change the poopy diapers… I know you said you’re “working on it” and I think she would definitely look back on that and appreciate the help you’re willing to offer!
Post # 9
Everyone mourns miscarriage in their own way. You can be a willing ear for her, but acknowledge that you can’t possibly understand what she’s going through. There are some dos and don’ts, but by and large if you are listening and supporting without trying to come up with answers or reasons, you will be helping.
One of the most important things is to ask and check in, but be respectful if your sister doesn’t want to talk.
Here is a link to a forum that may help:
Post # 10
I agree that taking the baby off her hands would be a great idea. Give her some time to reflect.
And I did mean earlier, I changed it in my post before.
Post # 11
Ask her what she needs, and offer specifics: Would you like me to clean the house, watch the baby, cook your favorite meal, leave you alone? It might be a tremendous relief to have someone else watch the baby, but she might also want to cling to her.
In addition to the ups and downs of finding out about a baby and then loosing it, she’s also going through a wild ride of hormones, and may be in a fair amount of physical pain. When my sister lost a baby, she couldn’t physically pick up my then-3-year-old niece.
Good luck, and you’re a wonderful sister for caring this much, even if you’re still working on the sisterly love.
Post # 12
I’ve experienced two miscarriages–one before my first child was born and one before my second child was born. My second (at 5 months) was the hardest, and I was glad to have my first child to focus my attention on. The everyday duties of being a mother helped pass my day and kept me from dwelling too much on my loss.
My advice is to tell her that you are sorry for her loss, ask if it would help for you to care for her baby so she could rest, and offer her an ear should she want to talk. She will be working through the grief process, so just be patient and available.
Miscarriage is an experience you never forget. After many years, I still think about the “what ifs.”
Post # 13
There is no true “right or wrong way” to help someone who has suffered a loss (well, except for being totally insensitive!) She’s probably working through some feelings of loss maybe even some mixed feelings if she wasn’t intending to get pregnant again so soon. Regardless, the best thing you can do for her is to just be there for her if she needs to talk etc. Just letting her know you are available sometimes is comforting for people on its own.
My sympathies and best wishes to both you and your sister.
Post # 14
My best friend had a miscarriage earlier this year. She needed time to grieve the loss of the idea of the child that had taken shape in her mind. Also, she took it much harder than her husband because he hadn’t connected witht he unborn child so much yet. She was also sensitve to everyone wanting to offer their condolences- at a certain point she was like- I don’t want to hear how sorry people are anymore. But everyone deals with it differently.
Post # 15
I agree that some people don’t want to hear how sorry you are. The most important thing is that she knows you are there for her if she needs anything.
She was already bonding with that baby, so be sensitive to that. I have heard people say that being a mother to their children is a good way to keep their mind off of losing a pregnancy.
Such a difficult situation. Hugs to you and your sister.
Post # 16
Thanks, ladies, for all your kind words and advice! I had a long talk with my sis today and got all the details. She’s doing fine and is coping very well. Oh, and I lucked out not changing and poopy diapers! Haha.