(Closed) NWR: I feel embarrassed even bringing this up…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@keepsmiling19:  I really feel for you.  90% of this situation is an internal battle.  Be sure to focus on the positives…you and Jane get along well, and she now has connections to another possible friend.  Question:  Did/do you and Jane hang out outside of work ever? 

Post # 4
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

@keepsmiling19:  I can relate to certain parts of this, and I have been on both ends.  I have two peices of advice.  Firstly, although you probably don’t realize it, the way you are feeling (left-out) is probably apparent to the girls through your actions.  So just be very careful not to ever come across as clingy, because that can push people away like no other!  Secondly, I would suggest you take iniative and plan something, and invite both Jane and Ellen.  If you want to feel more included, you need to take the first step.  Although it may seem like a good idea, I strongly advise against telling Jane you feel left out.  This will make her uncomfortable, and then if she invites you along for something, you’ll be left wondering “did she only do this because i made her feel guilty, or because she actually wants to spend time with me?”  Good luck!  Oh, and be CONFIDENT and self-assured!  This will attact people to you.

EDIT:  I would also suggest planning things for just you and Jane as well, since she’s the one who’s friendship you are working to strengthen.

Post # 5
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We all struggle with our own things!  So, while this paticular thing is your “issue”, we all have something 🙂

My suggestion would be to make a move first. Find something fun to do, like a new restaurant opened, or one you haven’t tried yet and say to Jane, “Hey, lets catch up this weekend or x night after work.  That new restaurant opened and I really want to try it out.  Why don’t you ask Ellen to come along too?’

This would give you the chance to hang out and get to know Ellen better.  And, maybe Jane senses that you are a little possesive and may be trying to distance herself a little.  By inviting Ellen you would alleviate that thought, if it is even one she has.  

Something like a dinner is good too, because you are in a neutral place, eating gives you something to do and there is a time limit so if it is awkward, you know it will come to a smooth end when dinner is over.  If you drink, maybe a glass of wine would relax you for conversation a little.  

Sounds like once you’re friends with people you have an easier time being around them.  Since you already feel comfortable around Jane, getting to know Ellen will be easier.  And, you said Ellen doesn’t hang around with you by herself-who knows, maybe she is really shy or is afraid you won’t want to hang out with her.  



Post # 6
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I feel for you, I have similar issues with social anxiety and reading social cues.

What I might do is just be very casual and cheery. One day just ask breezily, “hey guys, are you free next Tuesday? I wondered if you’d like to catch a movie or something.” I would probably add something like going to a movie that’s a chick flick so your FH wouldn’t go, or tell them your FH has to work late. If you want to sweeten the deal, say you won/got some free tickets to go to the movies and Fh is not free, ask if they want to go. Then buy yourself some movie passes. Movies are a great save for the socially anxious as you don’t have to make comversation. Most likely they will want to go (hey free movies) and once you hang out a few times they will see you as part of their circle.

One thing to remember, if they are not shy like you, they dont spend hours analyzing their own words. or yours! they probably don’t remember every detail of the conversation, so as long as you are pleasant you’ll be fine.

Post # 7
9482 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I just wanted to tell you that I can definitely relate and write this thread myself.  (hugs)  You can always PM to talk to me personally.

Post # 8
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

While I can’t relate to everything you’re going through, some of it hits close to home.  Recently I stumbled across a couple of articles that made me realize that I’m an introvert, and suddenly I feel more proud of aspects of my personality that I used to be ashamed of.  Check out these links.  Maybe you won’t identify, but maybe you will!



Post # 9
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Just wanted to say that I can definitely relate! With my nursing friends, they hang out all the time and sometimes I’m just not invited. I don’t think they do it on purpose but it hurts so bad sometimes.

Post # 10
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I relate wayyy to much to You OP then I would like to care to admit.  I found this happening a lot to me growing up.  I was constantly left out, friends kept ditching me.  It was enough to start a complex!!!

And then I found a friend, that will always will be my friend (shes like a sister), and the healing started. 

Now about…geesh…8 years later, I have come to realize something (yes it did take that long).  The people that are ment to be your friends, and stay in your life… will.  The kindred spirits.  On the flip side, the friends that are just friends tend to come and go in your life.  There were people I knew 8 years ago, that I haven’t talked to since. 

Just focus on the ones that truly matter. 

I have found three ladies that fit this discription.  That is it, those are the only people I truly call my friends.  These are the ladies that will ALWAYS be in my life.  They are my family.  And that is pretty much the extent of my friends.  It may seem sad, but the entirety of my friends will be in my wedding party (when i get engaged), and I have no one else to envite.

But, I don’t care, because those people are not worth the price of dinner. 🙂

Post # 11
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hey there..nothing to be embarrassed about,I think social akwardness plagues more people than we think. I am one of them…I’ve never had scores of friends, only one or two here and there throughout life. One of my very closest friends has the same issue as me, we often joke about how akward we can be in social settings…even with one another….we laught about it! I always thought of myself is sucha  huge dork…I never do or say the right thing, I don’t know what comes out of my mouth half the time or what it was supposed to mean. lol. 

My friend, the one who I have this in common with shared a story with me the other day that made me laugh so hard. She said she was at the table with some of her social acquaintances/ friends and they don’t often invite her out so she was super nervous…and when there was akward silence she looked down and said “am I the only one wearing socks?” and they all busted up laughing because they were all wearing socks so they had no idea what sh was talking about…she just laughed at herself…It think it’s something we’ve both learned to do, just laugh at ourselves and our akwardness.

If I don’t know what to say, or if I said something stupid…I just say “sorry, that was stupid…that didn’t make sense”…I guess I’ve learned to bring humor into my social akwardness…not to care what people thing, not to try to hard at thinking about what people think of me. If a friend of mine hasn’t asked me to hang out in a while and I start to feel sad about it, I just give her a ring when I know she’s not around her other friends (if I’m not comfortable with them) and ask her to meet me for drinks or lunch or something…

I try to always be concious of other peoples feelings even though i’m not the best at social cues and I’ve been known to be a little bold at times without realizing it…so I try and think of things I can talk about with my friends, I try and let them tell  me whats going on with them…as well as share stuff abou tme. 

I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I know I”m not the only one. I used to get possesive of my friends. and my friend who hs the similar social problems still has this problem, she tells me about it alot, how she fels ousted sometimes even when she knows it’s silly. 

I think just using good old logic and telling yourself when you are being silly or whimpy or if you begin to have a pity-party…get yourself away from it. We all do it sometimes, it’s normal. =)


Good luck!

Post # 12
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t feel bad or anything, I can totally relate.  It actually makes me feel better to see other Bees saying they’ve felt the same before.  I have extreme possessiveness over people I am close to.  I know that this is a problem.  I think a lot of it has to do with, when I was a kid, my friends would always ditch me for others after a while.  It’s like girls can’t be friends in a group.  There can only be one against the other.  My childhood best friend would completely ignore me if she had other friends around.  If I came to her house to spend the night and it was just me and her, we’d have a complete blast.  If I came to her house for a birthday party or some event where other friends were there, I’d end up spending all of my time with her sister because she’d pretend I wasn’t there.  The same applied in school.  I’d have a really good friend for a while, then they’d drop me out of the blue and be so, unnecessarily mean to me.  So, I guess you could say I’ve developed a complex.  I basically have no close friends anymore and I keep everyone at arm’s length out of fear of getting hurt. 

My best advice is to just make an effort to make plans with these co-workers, yourself.  Don’t sit back and wait on them to invite you.  They might just think you’re not interested.

Post # 13
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I am the same way, and I’m a big introvert…so I don’t think it helps my situation

I think the other bees gave you some lovely advice, so I’ll just leave it at that. Just wanted to say you’re not alone!

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