(Closed) NWR I need outside opinions (Long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I suspect that he views her as a little sister/niece figure. I wouldn’t worry about it. He is clearly not hiding the relationship from you, which is good. Its ok if she has a crush as long as he doesn’t view her that way.

Post # 5
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

1. Why aren’t you going to the play too? That is #1. I’d be inserting my self PDQ into any situation I could between them, just so I could check it out for myself and avoid any appearance of impropriety. I know she probably annoys you, but I’d maybe see if I could invite her to a movie or shopping or something to get YOU in the middle of that situation.

2. I totally agree with listening to your gut feeling. If you think she’s got the little puppy love thing going on with him, then I bet you’re right. 16 to 29 is a very attractive thing for a high school girl that wants to seem mature. And 16 year old girls can, quite frankly, be dangerous in a situation like that.

3. I would ABSOLUTELY insist they not spend any time alone together. Not because of your Fiance, but because you can’t trust her not to make up a lie if she gets upset with him. I highly doubt anything is going to happen, but I’d be more afraid of the accusations of something happening.

Since you’ve had this conversation ad nauseum with your Fiance, I think it’s time to see if there is someone else who can give him advice on it. If you’re involved in a church, is there an older guy he looks up to that could talk to him about this appearing inappropriate and really putting him at risk if the girl were to get jealous/make accusations? If not in a church, is there an older cousin/brother/dad/uncle who might talk to your Fiance about it? Or his mom, although that one might not work well because the mom might trust the neighbor girl too and be oblivious.

Your Fiance needs to be putting your feelings first and, at a minimum, never spending time alone together with her. Beyond that though, he really needs to be protecting himself. He’s acting naively. But unfortunately I think the message isn’t going to be received well from you and it is just going to become a point of contention in your relationship. That’s why I’d look at what other type of people you could get to influence him.

Good luck!

Post # 6
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@asscherlover:  +1. A positive male role model is an important influence on a young girl her age. She will get over her silly crush one of these days and will probably appreciate it that her didn’t let it affect their relationship.

I do think he may want to limit his time alone in private with her, because even though nothing is going on, other people might get the wrong idea.

Post # 8
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It’s weird. 100%. I’m sure he has no intentions of hooking up with her or anything crazy like that, but the relationship is inappropriate. Does she know you? The two of you as a couple should be going to her play together, if it’s really important for your Fiance to support this girl. Or better yet, you should be going as a double date with her parents. He shouldn’t be hanging out with her alone. It’s just…not right. 

Post # 9
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

If I were the girl’s mother, I wouldn’t let them hang out together, even if I knew nothing was going on.  It’s just not right.  Are her parents going to the play too?  Why aren’t you going?  Does he tell you what they talk about when they’re alone?  Do you know her at all?  Idk, I would be weirded out by it, even though he doesn’t have any interest in her (in that way).

Post # 11
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@humminbird:  I don’t think it’s automatically inappropriate, actually.  He’s known her for 6 years, maybe she has an “older man” crush on him, but I’m trying to understand what makes you uncomfortable – the possibility that something might be going on between them or might in the future one day?  Or just the fact that she has a crush on him?  Would you be just as uncomfortable if she was an older woman and if so, would it be for the same reasons? 

Post # 12
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@humminbird:  Well that’s a good reason to not be at the play! Haha! Is the long distance thing an ongoing thing or are you just traveling?

Anyway, I totally validate your feelings. I wouldn’t like it one bit. I’m very sensitive to things not APPEARING inappropriate, even if they aren’t.

As far as if the ages were reversed… well, let’s be real about how the world works. Obviously older man/younger woman is more of a concern in terms of false accusations. Absolutely can happen the other way around, but I think older man/teenage girl is a bigger risk. But yeah, I wouldn’t like hanging out alone in private even if the genders were reversed. Not appropriate.

Post # 13
5544 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Uh. SO not okay. NOTHING has to actually happen but her get pissy and be a PMS-y teenage girl who makes some accusation and destory your Fiance life. Accusations of statatory don’t ever go away, even if they are not true, that is something that sticks around forever. There is no way I would be comfortable with my husband hanging out with a girl half his age (and not legal) alone at his house. It doesn’t matter what he sees her as, if she has a crush that needs to be nipped in the bud, like yesterday. 

Post # 16
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

For years I lived next door to neighbours who fostered their neice when she was only 3 weeks old – I was 24 at the time. I spent so much time with her from the moment they brought her home. I even taught her ABC’s and the days of the week. Her natural parents were drug addicted and dysfunctional so I tried to be a positive role model for her. I taught her to aim higher in life and not to make the same choices that her parents made. I never put her parents down – I just gave her grander visions for her own life. 

I watched her grow up and when I moved away a few years ago she sought me out and wanted to still be in contact. She is 12 now and I am 36 – our relationship was of a big and little sister. I don’t see why your Fiance can’t have just as healthy relationship with his neighbour. The only difference is their gender.

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