Post # 1
So tonight my Fiance is going to his next door neighbor’s play at her high school. A little back story: Fiance is going to be 30 this year and the neighbor is a 16ish year old girl. Every time I’ve seen them interact she gives him the “dreamy older man” eyes and asks him for advice on her relationships and stuff (I think the topics have strayed to sex before, which makes me uncomfortable). They have hung out alone and have had (hours) long conversations at his house. I think it’s inappropriate but he doesn’t think it is because he’s known her and her family for years. He asked me if I’d ever grown up next door to someone… Of course I have! My best friend was my next door neighbor growing up but I’m almost exactly 9 months older than her. My older brother, who is five years older than me, was the oldest kid in the neighborhood so in a sense, it’s true that I have no experience to relate to FI’s. Throughout our relationship I have made it known that I am uncomfortable with his friendship with her and he continues it because he, I guess, doesn’t think I can be serious. I just want some opinions on whether or not I’m out of line being uncomfortable with their interactions. Please, ask any question that you need to clarify anything at all.
ETA: She also dresses suggestively when around Fiance – her boyfriend has even commented on her wearing tighter, middrift exposing shirts whenever they “bump in to” Fiance.
Post # 3
I suspect that he views her as a little sister/niece figure. I wouldn’t worry about it. He is clearly not hiding the relationship from you, which is good. Its ok if she has a crush as long as he doesn’t view her that way.
Post # 4
It’s not weird for a 30 year old man to have this friendship with a 15 year old girl? I’m sure she’s crushing on him and he doesn’t view her that way but I just feel like if I were in her shoes, my mother would snatch me up before I could go hang out for hours with my 30 year old neighbor man.
Post # 5
1. Why aren’t you going to the play too? That is #1. I’d be inserting my self PDQ into any situation I could between them, just so I could check it out for myself and avoid any appearance of impropriety. I know she probably annoys you, but I’d maybe see if I could invite her to a movie or shopping or something to get YOU in the middle of that situation.
2. I totally agree with listening to your gut feeling. If you think she’s got the little puppy love thing going on with him, then I bet you’re right. 16 to 29 is a very attractive thing for a high school girl that wants to seem mature. And 16 year old girls can, quite frankly, be dangerous in a situation like that.
3. I would ABSOLUTELY insist they not spend any time alone together. Not because of your Fiance, but because you can’t trust her not to make up a lie if she gets upset with him. I highly doubt anything is going to happen, but I’d be more afraid of the accusations of something happening.
Since you’ve had this conversation ad nauseum with your Fiance, I think it’s time to see if there is someone else who can give him advice on it. If you’re involved in a church, is there an older guy he looks up to that could talk to him about this appearing inappropriate and really putting him at risk if the girl were to get jealous/make accusations? If not in a church, is there an older cousin/brother/dad/uncle who might talk to your Fiance about it? Or his mom, although that one might not work well because the mom might trust the neighbor girl too and be oblivious.
Your Fiance needs to be putting your feelings first and, at a minimum, never spending time alone together with her. Beyond that though, he really needs to be protecting himself. He’s acting naively. But unfortunately I think the message isn’t going to be received well from you and it is just going to become a point of contention in your relationship. That’s why I’d look at what other type of people you could get to influence him.
Post # 6
@asscherlover: +1. A positive male role model is an important influence on a young girl her age. She will get over her silly crush one of these days and will probably appreciate it that her didn’t let it affect their relationship.
I do think he may want to limit his time alone in private with her, because even though nothing is going on, other people might get the wrong idea.
Post # 7
@humminbird: How long has he known her for?
Post # 8
It’s weird. 100%. I’m sure he has no intentions of hooking up with her or anything crazy like that, but the relationship is inappropriate. Does she know you? The two of you as a couple should be going to her play together, if it’s really important for your Fiance to support this girl. Or better yet, you should be going as a double date with her parents. He shouldn’t be hanging out with her alone. It’s just…not right.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
If I were the girl’s mother, I wouldn’t let them hang out together, even if I knew nothing was going on. It’s just not right. Are her parents going to the play too? Why aren’t you going? Does he tell you what they talk about when they’re alone? Do you know her at all? Idk, I would be weirded out by it, even though he doesn’t have any interest in her (in that way).
Post # 10
@NAvery: I’m not going because I’m in Colorado and they are in Maryland. LAME! I also find her insanely irritating. She’s that giggling, annoying teenager we’re all ashamed to admit we may have been at 16.
I am afraid of her accusing him of something crazy (Like rape, if she decided to make a move on him and he turned her down).
We are not a part of a church but I may have his mom talk to him because she’s very reasonable and, if I present the case right, she’ll understand my concerns.
@futuremrsk18: I believe since she was around 10.
Post # 11
@humminbird: I don’t think it’s automatically inappropriate, actually. He’s known her for 6 years, maybe she has an “older man” crush on him, but I’m trying to understand what makes you uncomfortable – the possibility that something might be going on between them or might in the future one day? Or just the fact that she has a crush on him? Would you be just as uncomfortable if she was an older woman and if so, would it be for the same reasons?
Post # 12
@humminbird: Well that’s a good reason to not be at the play! Haha! Is the long distance thing an ongoing thing or are you just traveling?
Anyway, I totally validate your feelings. I wouldn’t like it one bit. I’m very sensitive to things not APPEARING inappropriate, even if they aren’t.
As far as if the ages were reversed… well, let’s be real about how the world works. Obviously older man/younger woman is more of a concern in terms of false accusations. Absolutely can happen the other way around, but I think older man/teenage girl is a bigger risk. But yeah, I wouldn’t like hanging out alone in private even if the genders were reversed. Not appropriate.
Post # 13
Uh. SO not okay. NOTHING has to actually happen but her get pissy and be a PMS-y teenage girl who makes some accusation and destory your Fiance life. Accusations of statatory don’t ever go away, even if they are not true, that is something that sticks around forever. There is no way I would be comfortable with my husband hanging out with a girl half his age (and not legal) alone at his house. It doesn’t matter what he sees her as, if she has a crush that needs to be nipped in the bud, like yesterday.
Post # 14
@NAvery: Yes, we live apart like 3/4 of the time. It’s awful and we still have a year left of long distance, at a minimum.
Post # 16
For years I lived next door to neighbours who fostered their neice when she was only 3 weeks old – I was 24 at the time. I spent so much time with her from the moment they brought her home. I even taught her ABC’s and the days of the week. Her natural parents were drug addicted and dysfunctional so I tried to be a positive role model for her. I taught her to aim higher in life and not to make the same choices that her parents made. I never put her parents down – I just gave her grander visions for her own life.
I watched her grow up and when I moved away a few years ago she sought me out and wanted to still be in contact. She is 12 now and I am 36 – our relationship was of a big and little sister. I don’t see why your Fiance can’t have just as healthy relationship with his neighbour. The only difference is their gender.