(Closed) NWR: I want a DIVORCE… from my screwed up family.

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

A friend of mine has a sister with a mental disease that keeps her from living “normally” in society, and I’ve seen the look on my friend’s face every time she visits her sister or even thinks about her.  It’s a look of absolute love and utter helplessness at the same time, and I can just imagine the emotions behind that look.  Those emotions must be pretty close to what you feel.  I’m so sorry.

Are you able to call your brother and reason with him, make sure he’s not going to do anything irrational?  Otherwise if there’s nothing you can do about it, then unfortunately you just have to let the events play themselves out.  Don’t spend time worrying about things you can’t control.  Even though you work very hard to keep things together in your family, you’re only human after all, and you can’t live your mom’s and brother’s lives for them.

I sincerely hope your family is all present (and acting civil) at your wedding, and if they aren’t, I hope for your peace of mind knowing you did what you could and left the rest up to fate.


Post # 5
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

My sympathies!  I think that the sibling of someone with serious (mental or physical) issues always suffers from it.  As much as I tried to be there for my daughter, I always knew that if I screwed up with her, she’d take care of things herself, whereas if I screwed up with my (Asperger’s) son, we were looking at people getting hurt or property being damaged.  But even if dealing with him was what I had to do, that didn’t make life easy for her.

And it sounds like your mother has taken that several steps further.  She doesn’t see that she is overcommitted, so she keeps doing things she could perfectly well hire someone else to do, and then coping by using alcohol and partying, which leaves you with nothing from her.

I seriously hope both of them can manage to keep it together for your wedding.  And I do think that your idea of moving away from the area is probably a good idea for the long term.  Yes, your brother’s situation is tragic, but you also need to have some time for yourself and your future wife, not just cleaning up other people’s messes.

Post # 7
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My brother is somewhat the same. He’s been arrested several times, but never spent significant amounts of time in jail (though he should have at least once, but his lawyer got him off on some technicalities).  He is generally a nice enough guy when he’s sober, but he makes really, really bad decisions, often.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this, and I think your attitude of focusing on your wedding and school is awesome (I am also getting ready for classes to start, hoorah grad school).  I am planning to tell a few people to watch out for him, and if necessary, get him a cab to take him back to his hotel immediately (oh, I also live several states away, that helps too).  Maybe you can also have a few people watching for drama and to take care of it.  Hopefully it can be dealt with without involving you on your happy day!

Post # 9
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Do you think you could get your mom to go to some meetings? It might do both of you a world of good to hear that other people are/have been in the same spot you two are in now.  It may even be a stepping stone for your mom to speak to someone one on one about her depression issues. 

I think it is great for her to ask for “us time” with just the two of you. Try to make it just about you two and not bring up your brother at all. Focus on your relationship and leave everyone else out.

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