Post # 31
My other friend that was invited decided that she did not feel comfortable attending either so we are going in on a gift together, we ordered a little lantern with a memory candle inside and will have it shipped to our distant friend’s home instead of the party. I am not close with anyone in her family but I did express my worry to one of her friends that I have met on a few occasions. She didn’t seem very worried about her and was apparently the one who ordered the birthday cake and smash cake… I’m not sure why they would need a smash cake (or want one, you would think that it would be a very sad reminder). She will be bringing her child and so will her sister and a few other guests (their babies are about the same age that the deceased baby would be). I’m not sure if there is anything else that I can do at this point.
Post # 32
I wouldn’t particapte in this. It’s insanity. She needs help but not like this.
Post # 33
I would not go.
My SO’s brother and SIL had a still born this year on my 30th birthday. They asked us to come to the hosiptal to see the baby. That was too much for me. 1. I’m not really a kid person and view the birth of a child a private event. 2. I didn’t want to see a dead child on my birthday. We had to go anyway and I ended up being a mess on my birthday because I started to freak out about realizing that could happen to me some day.
Post # 34
I know people deal differently but the thing about bring babies the same age is horrible… I cant even be around babies anymore and cut everyone out of my life who was due at the same time – I cant imagine a party full of living reminders of where your child should be in development could be anything other than heartbreaking
Post # 35
Maybe you should include a business card of a good therapist/grieving counselor in with that gift. I’m serious.
Post # 36
Wow that’s just so creepy. I have a one year old and I love him so much and the thought of anyone having to go through a still-birth is horrible, but this is not a healthy way to grive. I could never go to such a morbid Birthday party nor take my son to one… In fact i wouldn’t even send a card, I guess I’m rude but I’d feel like I was participating in a sham. I’d send her an ‘I’m sorry” message on Facebook and leave it at that.
Post # 37
Thats heartbreaking about her daughter but this is so not normal or healthy. I really can’t believe someone hasn’t stepped in before now.
Obiviously, I would not go. Not for all the emotional reasons the other bees have mentioned (which are totally valid and more logical than my own) but because i’ve seen enough scary movies to know this is not heading anywhere good. This is a sure fire way to end up dressed in a onesie locked in somones basement and answering to “Little Suzy”. I know, I know, I have an over active imagination. But seriously, no. I couldn’t do it. It’s extremely sad and creepy to me.
Post # 38
That’s a great idea, I will look into what may be available in our area.
Post # 39
mermaidlagoon : malltownbigworld :
Sorry, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Maybe write a heartfelt letter and mention counselling. But just dropping in a business card with a gift comes across as a bit passive aggressive or patronising to me.
Post # 40
I planned on including a little note and a card also, not just slapping the business card onto the box. Something along the lines of “Friend A and I are always available to talk but if she ever wants to speak to someone privately and professionally ______ comes highly recommended.”
Post # 41
I would not put a business card or refer to a therapist. You said you’re not very close to her, so while it’s coming from your heart, I don’t think it’s your place to do that. There are plenty of people closer to her who could suggest that.
Post # 42
I feel sad for her. If her friend is the one who ordered the cake and smash cake, then I’m getting the sense that others are perpetuating this milestone upkeep in an effort to make her feel better. Unfortunately, while their hearts are in the right place, they need to allow their friend to grieve the loss and not go on pretending.
The stickers and the smash cake take things over the edge for me. It’s one thing to commemorate the day; it’s another to go through the motions as though the child were alive.
That being said, I agree with your choice to not attend. If you were closer friends, I would urge you to speak with her privately about your concerns. But, since you aren’t that close, a simple decline and a gift in rememberance is appropriate.
Post # 43
Gosh. How upsetting all round. What a terrible loss but this does not sound like a healthy way to grieve or celebrate a life lost. Poor woman. I too would decline but send a card or something. The lantern sounds lovely OP.
Post # 44
you are just a distant friend, as you say. decline and send a card.
do not refer her to a therapist, do not put a card or note about seeing a therapist.
Post # 45
I feel so sorry for this girl. She’s really not handling the death well. I agree it’s important to acknowledge that this child existed (years ago we would have just said to forget all about it and move on). I’m glad she’s continuing to remember the child. But I do think it’s strange she’s buying clothes for the child, having monthly photo shoots, and having a party with a smash cake! Who to heck is going to smash it??
It would be much better if this was a memorial dinner, where you all remember the child, but not celebrate the birth! Because, um, there really wasn’t a birth in the way we consider ‘birth’.
I worry how this girl will feel if no one shows up at the party. That could be tragic. On the other hand, you’re not her best friend or a family member – and it should be up to them to be talking with her and telling her she needs grief councilling.
Part of me would want to go just to see what to heck she’s going to do. Are you expected to bring presents for the ‘child’? Who will blow out the candles? Who will smash the cake? Who will open the presents? But part of me could just not go as this is SO SAD. It’s a truly difficult situation.