(Closed) NWR: Invited to 1st birthday party for deceased child?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This is a hard situation to be in. I’m sure she feels like all these milestones were stolen from her. I would attend. For support of mom. Maybe this is just a great way for her to remember her sweet baby and to have everyone join her in  remembrance .

Post # 47
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

This just breaks my heart and I don’t think there is an easy answer of what to do.  Part of me says I would go.  I would be terrified if friends didn’t show up to support her that her already delicate frame of mind would be damaged even further.  The other part of me says going through with this is going to damage her even more.  Are you close to her family?  I would almost use this opportunity to have an intervention where only her family and very close friends would be there.  Clearly she needs love, support, and help.  

Post # 48
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

My heart breaks for that woman. At the same time, I would not go to the party. It is… just… not good. I don’t really know the word for it. But she really needs her family to help her out and realize this is not normal behaviour and maybe seek professional guidance.

I would politely decline (say you have plans) and send a thoughtful card.

Post # 49
Member
841 posts
Busy bee

Oh man. I can only imagine the pain she has suffered. Everyone grieves in their own way, so maybe this is how she is managing to get through it. I dont think I could attend an event like that though. It’s like celebrating a death. You cant even have a life celebration because unfortuntely the baby didnt make it. Its very morbid to me. I would politely decline.

Post # 51
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
smalltownbigworld :  oh the poor lady, to be honest if I was you I would go and support her, the first year after losing someone is always the worst and it sounds to me like she just wants to be surrounded with all her friends and family at such a difficult time. She probably feels like the child is still here spiritualy and is still doing all this stuff for them, I would probably get her one of those ‘footprints in the sand’ poetry cards or something simular.

Post # 52
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

I wonder if her friends that have kids normalize this behavior so that they don’t feel guilty about having and talking about their own children. The birthday party is compleltely over the top. I could do a 1 year memorial or rememberance, but to have a cake and the whole 9 yards is just weird. Are you supposed to bring a gift too? 

Post # 53
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
smalltownbigworld :  I think a note is fine, though she probably won’t reach out to you. She’ll be too busy planning the b day party.

I’d have a blunt conversation with her if I were her friend, but that’s how I roll. For her mental health its a conversation that needs to take place. 

Post # 54
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
smalltownbigworld :  OMG this sounds like a cult… I dont understand how the family and friends are supporting this instead of getting therapy for her to move on 🙁 Very sad.

Post # 55
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If you’re not that close to her then personally I would risk losing her friendsihp and tell her that I’m very sorry for her loss but that I don’t think having a first Birthday party for a deceased child is a healthy way to grieve. I would tell her that I do understand that I risk offending her and that it’s a risk I’m taking because I care about her and feel I need to be honest. And that I’m here if she needs to talk.

Post # 56
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Last year, my fiancé and I lost our first child together. Our son was born at 23 weeks, and he lived for six days. I understand her grief. On my son’s first birthday, my fiancé, our kids, and I went to dinner, and we had cake at home. On the first anniversary of his death, we invited all of our family to a park. We released balloons with messages and had cake. We were not celebrating his death, but celebrating his short life and the impact he’s made on all of us. We hang a stocking for him at Christmas, and he has a special ornament on our tree. I don’t consider this weird. It is the way we choose to honor our son. We are expecting a daughter April 1st, and our daughter will know her brother is watching over all of us. I personally wouldn’t buy clothes or do the monthly gravestone pictures, but I will not judge this woman. If it bothers you, just send a gift and stay home. You’re not obligated to go. I definitely don’t like the idea of a counselor referral. I was very offended by that. The woman is hurting enough. Yes, I hope she seeks help, but it’s not up to you to decide when she needs help. 

Post # 57
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
MrsMtoBe2017 :  I’m so sorry for your loss. 🙁 🙁

Your reaction seems pretty similar to my friend’s (see my post on the first page) and I think everything you are doing is appropriate. But I totally agree that’s it not up to anyone else – especially not a  virtual stranger – to tell the OP’s friend how to grieve.

Post # 58
Member
333 posts
Helper bee

I would not attend. It sounds like your friend needs to seek psychiatric help if she hasn’t done so already as this is not normal behavior. Could you speak with one of her close friends or family members to see if she’d be willing to see a doctor?

 

As far as what to do about the invite, I would tell her I am not able to make it and leave it at that.

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