- 5 years ago
- Wedding: February 2015
I have lived in the same state my whole life. I grew up in one city, stayed there for 18 years and then moved an hour and a half away for college. 6 years later, I’m still an hour and a half away and sadly, still in college. I’m 6 1/2 classes away from graduating with my BS degree (such an ironic acronym) in business but it will be another year and a couple of months before I actually finally graduate. I work around 25-35 hours a week and drive 10-12 hours to and from work and with that schedule I can’t handle more than 2 classes at a time. I don’t know why. I’ve tried 3 several times but I always end up dropping one or worse yet, withdrawing from them all due to feeling overwhelmed. My brain seems to just completely shut off at 2 classes.
I was just browsing facebook while taking a break from studying and I ended up on an old high school classmate’s facebook page. She’s living in Washington DC (3 or 4 states away). I continued to check up on other classmates and they’re all OVER the place: Colorado, NYC, Illinois, California….they’ve graduated and some even graduated from grad school already and moved across the country. They’re holding amazing jobs for excellent companies and really LIVING. Meanwhile, I’m still here.
I want to move away. I’ve talked to my SO about it and she’s said wherever I want to go, she’s game. I have NO idea where exactly I want to go but I’ve dreamt of different states to even a different country! But then I start thinking about the logistics.
1) It’s expensive to move. That’s not the biggest hinderance but it’s certainly something I think about sometimes.
2) I’ll be thousands of miles away from my mom. I’m SO close to my mom, we talk every single day and I see her once every 4-6 weeks. She’s in her mid 60’s. She’s going through a knee replacement next month & I keep thinking, what would I do if I couldn’t go visit her or I was too far away to help her if she needed it?
3) A JOB! I have no idea what I want to do and often feel like I’m not qualified for any kind of decent job and I DON’T want to keep doing what I do now, I want to be higher up.
My SO listens to me all the time and assures me we’ll move when I graduate but I can’t picture it and as much as I want to I’m also scared. And I’m afraid I’ll let my fear keep me from doing something I know deep down I want really bad! She’s close to her mom too and I’ll feel guilty for causing them to be thousands of miles apart as well. She’d be perfectly satisfied staying where we are but has no problem moving if it’s what I want.
*sigh* it just makes me feel defeated seeing so many of my classmates who have gone on to do AMAZING things and not knowing if I’ll ever get there. These people didn’t have to work their way through school or worry about money in any way, they had connections and joined sororities/fraternaties and networked & ended up exactly where everyone promises that will get you. I didn’t have that money, I have 15k in student loans right now and have worked since I was almost 16. I know I’m blessed in many ways and there are things I have that someone else might be jealous of, but unfortunately that doesn’t help me right now lol
Thanks for listening bees. I don’t want to complain/vent to my SO about this anymore because there’s nothing we can do until I graduate but I needed to get it all off of my chest. Thank God for the hive! <3