(Closed) NWR: Mom Stopped Talking to Me (Politically Related Long Vent)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

Whew. I’m sorry you’re going through this conflict. The election has put a lot of people on high alert, and I think we all have that ‘one person’ who is doing or saying hurtful things in the aftermath. No matter anyone’s political leanings, I think you should stand your ground. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Your mom needs to calm down, get through the angry stage of grief (in all seriousness), and come back to you with an apology. Handling differences in this way is not at all productive.

If she’s a really stubborn woman, that might take some time, or honestly it might never happen. I’ve totally been there. Maybe at some point you’ll cave and smooth things over – as a child of parents who never apologize, I’ve done it far too many times. I guess all I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry. That sucks. And hopefully she’ll come around. I think having the support of your husband is the best part of this. Take comfort in that!

Post # 3
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I suspect the problem is the candidate who won is a racist secist bigot who ran a dirty campaign and stands for all the backward views the world over. I’d struggle to talk to a family member who supported someone like that too. You show a lack of understanding by thinking it’s because her candidate didn’t win, surely it’s because it reflects badly on the choices of the electorate as a whole. Horrible times. 

Post # 4
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
malyschae :  These are very serious and real emotions (on all sides) being filtered through the mundane idiocy of social media. Your mom’s behavior is absurd but I think you also need a shred of perspective if you think not getting facebook likes is any kind of a taste of being disowned by your family.

Politics, especially politics this year, are scary for a lot of people, and it’s only going to get worse as the new administration moves forward. Accept that your mom is upset by your apathy and your husband’s opposition, and see if you can speak to her in a way that isn’t squabbling over who blocked who on facebook–because it’s not really about that and you both know it. Ask her what she’s worried about and ask her what she’s doing about it. Come from a place of “I don’t know” rather than “I don’t care”, and give her a minute of your time. She can probably do the same for you. Her criticism of you guys won’t evaporate, but at least you can move past her picking fights like this in an effort to goad you into engaging with her.

I can’t imagine having the luxury of not caring about politics…

Post # 5
Member
1282 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Sorry to say this about your mum but she’s being rather a bitch and very immature. She’s insulted your DH and launched a witch hunt against him, wheras he has been exceptionally considerate in modifying his general Facebook use specifically to keep her happy. And she’s brought her little grandchildren into this which is really horrible.

I do think it sounds like you are all living your lives a bit too much via social media. I know that’s partly inevitable these days but all this is a good argument for the days when Facebook was ‘friends only’ and parents did not get involved! 😉

You need to open up communication without dragging into all this ridicukous mess she created. Don’t expect an apology or let her rile you. You could call her just to show you are the better person and above the pettiness, but don’t mention politics or any of this- just talk about the kids. Do not apologise. If it comes up, tell her you and DH really respect her views and you hope she respects yours, but obviously that’s up to her.

I had a friend who acted like this over my vote to Leave the EU, a very intelligent and normally nice guy who threw all his toys out of the pram because I made a fleeting mention on his page in very subdued language about why I thought people like me might vote Leave. Hysteria, threats to hunt down and defriend all Leave voters, scolding me that I should know better and I’d ruined his life (how patronising!?). Hilarious really looking back but very emotional.  I literally ignored the hissy fit and let him rage to the world on Facebook. When we met up with friends in a group he obviously felt a bit awkward as he made a few jokey references to it. I smiled back and steered conversation onto different things. Maybe she will calm down once the intense emotions are gone over this result. Let’s hope!

Post # 6
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
malgor :  It sounds like you and OPs momma would get along really well….

Post # 7
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
malgor :  WTF? Are you kidding me? There is never an excuse to treat someone like that. Her mom is being horrible and showing manipulative behavior because OPs husband has a different political stance. She is withholding affection of her grandchildren over this, inexcusable.

OP, I think the problem is that you have been a doormat to your mother for so long that she is used to being able to have outrageous outbursts and have you come crawling back and apologizing even though she is the one with the bad behavior.  now that she is having the biggest outburst of all…she is infuriated that you are not playing doormat again. 

Stand by your husband and do not give in this time. Let her know that if she would like to regain her sanity at any point and become a respectful family again, that you are open to that. But that you can no longer subject yourself to her berating yourself and your husband. 

 

The election is over. It’s time to come together and learn to respect others opinions even if we don’t agree with them. 

Post # 8
Member
1282 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
malgor :  Wow really- you think the OP’s mum is a nice reasonable woman? And you don’t think family comes first ? You don’t think your family are entitled to different political/economic/religious views? Or even to be non-political but married to someone who has a different view to you? That sounds more than a little intolerant. And sadly it seems most bees agree with you.

And I’m not American but I think this a universal principle for me: I would never disown or badly treat anyone I love over their views. Even my DH and I disagree over politics. I used to debate the Iraq War endlessly with my dad back in the day but I never, ever, ever, thought to hate him because he was pro-invasion and I was anti. He’s an intelligent man with his own reasoned perspective. The mother of the OP sounds really nasty, but I think it’s just her emotions overcoming her reasoning, like I said, just give her time to get over it.

Post # 10
Member
4463 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

…if your husband chooses to share his political beliefs on FB, he should be prepared for people to react. He voted for someone who incited a lot of anger and hate. ..sharing that you support those views isn’t going to give people the warm and fuzzies. 

Post # 11
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’m sorry this is happening to you.  Honestly it’s just a really hard time for progressives / Democrats.  Just try to be understanding that this is a visceral blow to everything your mom thought she knew about the values about the American public.  The electorate looked at the two candidates and thought, “eh, I’ll vote for the racist self-proclaimed sexual assaulter of women one instead of the highly qualified woman one.”  That’s hard to take.  Not to mention, losing by 2 million votes in the popular election.  As a woman and someone who cares about equality for everyone, I too would have a hard time with a family member who supported the racist misogynist.  It’s a really difficult time and it’s hard not to take these things personally, when someone votes for the candidate who treats women like objects who are meant only for sexual gratification.

I would just try to understand her perspective and how deeply this past week has hurt her, even though you don’t care about politics, and express that to her.  Yes, she’s being petty, but it’s coming from a place of shock and hurt and grief and fear.  Try to be the bigger person <3  Again, I’m really sorry about this.

Post # 12
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah, your mom was wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy out of line. I don’t have much *cough*any*cough* respect for Trump, but I don’t go around bad-mouthing his supporters as many are my neighbors and friends. I don’t have any problem letting them know how much I abhor the man, but if they take my dislike of him personally, that is their problem. Stand your ground.

Post # 13
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
amb1030 :  It’s time to come together and learn to respect others opinions even if we don’t agree with them. 

Okay, let’s not get crazy, the likes of Stephen Bannon (and there are many, and they are celebrating) do not have opinions worthy of respect, much less worthy of governmental power. Let’s not shrug and get cozy with white supremacy like it’s normal. Don’t fall for that.

To quote Jamelle Bouie, “Millions of Americans are justifiably afraid of what they’ll face under a Trump administration. If any group demands our support and sympathy, it’s these people, not the Americans who backed Trump and his threat of state-sanctioned violence against Hispanic immigrants and Muslim Americans. All the solicitude, outrage, and moral telepathy being deployed in defense of Trump supporters—who voted for a racist who promised racist outcomes—is perverse, bordering on abhorrent.” x

Post # 14
Member
2979 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Witholding affection of her grandkids? By not ‘liking’ photos of them – in the past 6 days?! WTF?! How is that withholding affection!

OP, the way your mom is acting IS childish. However we are only hearing 1 side. And its been 6 days. This isn’t a lifetime ban, but yeah she needs to cool down. She will come to you when she’s ready.

I also think its 100% fine to ‘disown’ (again LOL, 6 days!) someone because of their partners views. Your partner supports a lot of terrible things. Ive had to cut out a friend because her H spouted such disgusting things I couldn’t be around them (not election related).

Post # 15
Member
11 posts
Newbee

I’m kinda blown away by the fact that your mom and grandma are hardcore democrats. That’s amazing! Older generations being liberal is rare where I’m from.

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