(Closed) NWR: Mum's lonely and I don't have time for her. Selfish?

posted 5 years ago in Family
  • poll: What to do about mother...?
    Let her come, even if it's not the birthday you wanted : (11 votes)
    30 %
    Tell her to come another weekend, even if it breaks her heart : (26 votes)
    70 %
    Other, explanation below because this is an awesome idea! : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    516 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Ask her to come next weekend with your dad and explain that logistically, it’s turning into a bit of a nightmare because you have other obligations for the weekend. Tell her you’re sorry she’s lonely and that you’ll call her for a chat (and do so). Or you could always celebrate your birthday the following weekend.

    Post # 6
    Member
    4274 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’d suggest another weekend, for sure.  Your dad’s only going to be gone 2-3 days – she’ll be fine and she needs to learn to cope with being alone without having you to lean on.  I know you don’t want to hurt your mom, but she’s an adult and it’s not your job to entertain her when your dad is gone.

    Explain that you have an obligation on Friday and that you already have plans for Sunday, so this weekend really won’t work.  You can state it as though you feel bad having her up for a weekend where she’ll end up being left alone sometimes since you and SO have things that you “can’t” get out of, and you’d rather she be there when you can spend more time together.

    Post # 7
    Member
    6598 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Just tell her you have plans – and work her visit around your plans.

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    1576 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I will go against the grain and say suck it up and pick up Mom. I bet she has done the same for you many times in the past and y’all will have many chances for wild and crazy sex during your long and happy marriage.

    Be creative and find a different spot other than the bedroom!

    Post # 9
    Member
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    I’ve had a similar battle with my Mom for years. I’ve tried to make her happy but she is always miserable and lonely and always guilt trips me into things I don’t want to do. I choose what works for me and not what works for her now. She is an adult, she can figure her own things out.

    Now I have my MIL who is also needy and picks the worst times to visit. I don’t make plans around her just because she chose a lifestyle that is the opposite of ours. If we have plans, I tell her that we are busy. She can be mad all she wants about it.

    I am not making my life miserable to please any of these people. Family is suppose to help you and not manipulate your and guilt trip you into things you don’t want.

    Post # 10
    Member
    929 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    @Rusalka:  Couldn’t agree with this more.

    My mother is 70 and has been divorced from my father since she was 47.  She’s not had a relationship since, and has no desire to.  Although my younger brother lives with her, he works two jobs and has a pretty active social life.  So she is on her own quite a lot. 

    And she copes…she has to.  She spends time with friends, goes to the library, goes shopping etc.  She actually feels pretty annoyed and angry if anyone feels sorry for her.  Yes, she would prefer things to be different, but lives with the reality of her life. 

    Just tell your mother you already have plans, and at the same time, fix a firm date when you will see her next. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    550 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @Rusalka:  I have a similar relationship with my mom. So much guilt! It becomes draining.

    OP, I suggest setting some boundaries with her and sticking to them. I had to learn how to do that, and it was hard, but it’s worth our sanity! Also, I grew up feeling like I would be selfish in scenarios like this where I wouldn’t want to invite her. It’s okay to express our needs!

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