(Closed) NWR – My dad’s girlfriend just moved in with him

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@scadadle15: I can’t relate, but DH’s family had a similar situation. It was tough when planning, however eventually we realized that none of it was going to be “comfortable” for anyone. The day wasn’t about them and their lack of love for eachother but was about us and their love for their son.  

Approach it in a way that works best for you. Openly communicate with both sides and if they love you they will do everything they can for you on that day.

Post # 4
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014 - my mother's amazing garden

I can defintiely relate!!! My parents seperated 5 years ago, and my dad got remarried last year to the bimbo he cheated on my mom with… It has defintely made for strain sometimes. My bf and i are talking marriage, and when I think about my parents, my head hurts….. 

Post # 5
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I must say I’d be upset too, no matter how old you are it’s always hard to deal with separate parents. Were your parents separated when your sister got married? is there a way you can ask them to stand together as YOUR PARENTS and not as a couple in your wedding?

Post # 7
Member
46416 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@scadadle15: I think it just brings the finality of the end of your parents’ marriage to the forefront.

If your Mom and Dad got along really well after the divorce, things need not necessarily change.

Post # 9
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I can’t really relate, since my parents have been married over 30 years (geeze!!), but I can sympathize. I would take this news hard, too, especially if I was close to both parents and now there is someone new in the mix that lives with one of them. On FI’s side, we are dealing with a recently separated couple and it does make everything hard. My only advice is that if there is drama, stay out of it and don’t pick sides. We have tried our hardest to stay out of the drama surrounding the couple in FI’s family that recently split up and I think that it is the best thing we can do. I’m sorry you are going through this, seriously. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for my family if my parents separated, especially since I’m older now.

Post # 10
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I have a lot of things I have written here but deleted because I do not like coming across as harsh.

So since you are an adult as is he, put yourself in his shoes 🙂

He is more than just a Dad he is a person with a life of his own.

Not meaning to sound cruel – just think you need to move on to the exciting next phase of your life

Post # 11
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well, my parents legally divorced when I was 17. It wasn’t a pretty divorce and they are still kind of distant with one another, they won’t bash one another but I would never call them friends..more like a person you talk to in high school to make the time go faster. Your parents divorced five years ago. The marriage is over and their real bond remains with their children even when the kids grew up. It does make sense that one of your parents would find someone new and it was your dad. You are making a new life with someone and to be fair..your dad is doing that too. It does seem strange but your dad obviously is finding happiness with this woman.It is going to be awkward but maturity is key.

My dad recently moved in with a lovely woman. They bought a house and they are very happy. Here’s the thing…the woman is two years younger than me ( I am in my mid-20s) and some relatives thought I would be upset for him dating this younger woman and my mom did make jokes on it and it was awkward at first. People expected me to react negatively and at first it was weird and I was a little negative but then I realized that this woman makes my dad happy. How could I be annoyed when he has found love with someone new? I was making my new life with my new husband and my dad had to make his own

Post # 12
Member
4152 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

This is long, so I’m sorry, but how’s this for screwed up:  my Dad works overseas and has done so full time since I was 9.  When I was 14 I went to visit him on my own only to discover that he was seeing another woman, I was crushed.  I eventually found out that this ended when moved to another country.

When I went to visit him again aged 19 he picked me up from the airport.  It was a 40 minute drive from there to his apartment.  In that journey he said there was something he needed to tell me.  He had a girlfriend.  At 19, I understand men have needs but again I was completely crushed.  I responded calmly that that was fine but I didn’t want to meet her. His response: she and her daughter live with him.  I literally had 40 minutes to deal with this.  Turns out that her 9 year old daughter also calls him Dad (as his only daughter this broke my heart).  I don’t need to go into details but she is a lazy gold digger who sleeps a lot of the day and spends my familys money going to the salon to get her hair washed.  She is also younger than my Dad by over 20 years and younger than my SO!!

To make matters worse my mum doesn’t know.  I gave him an ultimatum to tell her by such and such a date but that came and went.  It’s not my place but I wish I’d said something at the time, now it’s too late.  He’s moving country again because of a new job and mum is going with him (my siblings and I are now all at university), I hope my Dad wants to make a go of it, he’s definitely been encouraging the move.  But he wont be spending any of the holidays with us.  Why?  Because he’s saying goodbye to his mistress.

Two months ago he secretly brought his girlfriend here for a visit, he asked my brother to meet up with them.  My brother (who knows) was disgusted and refused.  My Dad always says he’ll never lie to us, but honestly my brothers and I are just fed up.  I’m sad for my mum that he wont be here for the holidays, but it’ll be better without him.

So I guess my answer is, rather cynically, that at least he did stuff in the right order.  Rather than being a cheating rat I have the misfortune to call my Dad.  Sorry you’re going through this though, I know how heartbreaking it is.

Post # 13
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

well, my parents are divorced, but no i can’t relate.  they divorced when i was really young, and my mom met my stepdad when i was 4 or so (although they didn’t marry till i was 11) and my dad remarried when i was 9.

i can sympathize with how you’re feeling though…you’re used to things being a certain way, your “normal” family, and because your parents kept a good relationship post-divorce, at least until your dad met his “new” girlfriend–“new” in quotes because after two years, she’s hardly new, although i suppose when compared to how long he was with your mother…anyway, i digress–you’re experiencing the actual effects of a divorce for the first time really now.  it’s really real, and it’s final.  your feelings are valid.  that said…it’s good that you recognize that you’re being irrational, and it’s important to remember that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your father trying to find his own happiness.  as traumatic as the divorce is for you, i’m guessing it’s a heck of a lot more so for your mom and dad.  his girlfriend moving in with him is his business.  i would be upset that he didn’t tell me directly too, but i suspect him not thinking it was a big deal is legit…he’s focused on his own happiness here, as he should be.  impress on him that it would have been nice to actually hear from him that this happened instead of through the grapevine, especially considering how much help he got from you getting back on his feet again after the divorce.  if it’s a contrived excuse, it’s probably because he was afraid of upsetting you, which is dumb because it’s not like you weren’t going to find out anyway.

in the meantime, try to be happy that your dad is happy, and hope for good things for your mom too.  it’s sad that you can’t do the big family things together any more, but sometimes life is like that.  even if things are “weird” between your parents since your dad started a new relationship, it sounds like they’re still at least civil, and there’s no doubt in my mind they can put that aside and support you on your wedding day because they both love you.  hang on to your happy memories from before the divorce and be open to creating new ones, even if it does seem “weird” at first.

Post # 14
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ladyartichoke: wow… you win in the shitty dad category. i’m so sorry!

Post # 16
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You need to move on with YOUR LIFE. Be thankful that your dad found love again at his age. Divorce is devastating enough to many people. Especially as one gets older and has been married for more than a decade with grown kids.

Try putting yourself in your dad’s shoes perhaps that will help.

Oh and as far as not telling you–he may have sensed you would be upset, especially with your wedding being so close or he may not have wanted to bother you with this since you have other things on your plate.

 

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