Post # 1
I love my SO. I do. And so long as there are no issues to tackle, no bumps in life or day to day business we get along swimmingly. The second the slightest thing happens though he feels the need to lose it. His father is the same way. The slightest thing happens – person slows down to a stop sign too soon, person doesn’t move forward in a line immediately, can’t find ONE pair of socks in his just dried laundry – and suddenly the world needs to know about your challenges, everyone needs to be alerted and he’s now frustrated and/or angry. Yesterday, I hear him yell from upstairs. I thought he was hurt or something. I run upstairs asking if he’s ok. Yeah. He’s fine. A bottle of shampoo had leaked into a bag. Didn’t leak out of the bag. Didn’t ruin anything. It was old shampoo that was destined for the garbage anyways. Was it annoying? Yes. Was it a life altering trauma that required yelling? No.
A, B, then C must happen in his day as he planned and if they don’t because, hey, life is life, he’s pissed. He has one of those, shake the soda machine even though it won’t help you but you can’t seem to give up your 50 cent loss because it’s the principle of the matter, type of attitudes. I’ve called it on him before too. Shit happens. You just have to roll with it. Sometimes plans change. Sometimes someone is annoying. Sometimes shampoo spills. It’s NOT the end of the world. I’ve told him before that life doesn’t always go as planned and you just have to work with what you have. His response? “I’m not like you. I can’t just go about things nonchalantly. I made plans for something to happen and now it’s not happening.”
Essentially, it’s very childish and immature. Again, I love him. And we have plans to get married in the next year and change. But the closer we get to really making some serious plans the more I worry. He wants kids. But kids are all about noise and cancelled plans and annoyance and time and stress – all of which he can’t tolerate on even the lowest level. How does he expect to have kids? How does he expect to even plan a wedding when every complication is life altering? It bothers me. Because it means our life has to be complication free for him to be happy and in turn, me be happy.
I intend to have us go to a couple’s counselor in the near future. But I wonder if this is bigger than a counselor, just a giant red flag. Or maybe it’s something that can be fixed. Do your guys have something that drives you crazy? Does this seem like a deal breaker.
***I am not currently considering ending my relationship. *** I am asking because I don’t want to have family buy plane tickets, plan a wedding, or even get married if this is a red flag. I need advice. I need another perspective. I need to know if I’m potentially freaking out over something that isn’t so terrible just because it’s going to be go time really soon. Do any of you deal with this issue and how do you overcome it? Help. Thanks.
Post # 3
If you have to wonder if marrying him right now is the right move or not, then it’s probably not. I would put all wedding plans on hold until you talk to a counselor or make a decision about what you want in your future.
Post # 4
It does sound like immaturity, but it’s also the sort of thing that some people never grow out of because they never learn to deal with stressors effectively. Honestly, it’s usually tough experiences that break people of that–Army bootcamp worked wonders for my nephew how was like that. I don’t know what to tell you–maybe charity work? Seeing other people’s plight, how big their problems are and how much they deal with and handle can give you a good perspective on your own small problems, but not always, some people can find a cynical answer to anything.
Post # 5
@claireos: My first thought is: if he learned this from his father, do you want your kids to learn it too? I know you don’t, and there are attitudes both my DH and I have to be careful not to model for our kids. Eevn if he could handle the stresso f kids, but still freak out over spilt milk, he could be a great dad but still pass on the behavior. His unwillingness to change it is a big concern. Everyone has something that is annoying or irks their partner. We just have to decide if we can live with for the rest of our lives. My DH had a habit of talking to our older son with sarcasm, and our son started tlaking back to me the same way. I pointed it out and he makes every effort not to just fall back into the habit. He also had a terrible habit of complaining about every other driver on the road, not road rage, just road rudeness… I asked him to stop and he did.
I think, if he’s willing to go to a counselor, it could help. A third party can sometimes say things in a way that is easier to hear.
When is the wedding? How long do you have to decide?
Post # 6
It might be a good idea for him to see someone who can give him some coping mechanisms to be able to deal with these things. You are right to be concerned about having kids. Have you talked with him about it? How he would deal with having kids and the chaos that can ensue, and how he plans on coping with that??
These are serious issues that I think need to be addressed before marriage, because if he can’t resolve them, you should have a chance to decide if its something you can deal with for the rest of your life
Post # 7
We all know that life comes fast and hard, taking no prisoners. You will screw up, plans will fail, shampoo bottles will leak, the world will steal your money and LIFE will go on.
Seems like Fiance has a short temper and poor coping skills. He probably doesn’t have a good enough perspective on life to put these trivial things aside. Counseling may help, but its very hard to get a person their and then keep them long enough to truly change their ways.
Have you brough up to him how his inabilty to deal is frusterating or worrysome?
The last thing you want to be doing for the rest of your life is walking on egg shells…or having your kids grow up with a guy who flys off the handle at every tough situation- as you said he got it from his dad, so the generation pass down will probably continue.
Post # 8
@claireos: I think you need couples counseling AND he needs anger management. Granted, he’s not hitting or completely flying off the handle, but if he’s reacting by yelling at shampoo that will be thrown away anyway, then just imagine how bad it will get with kids, the loss of a job, serious illness, etc.
I would definitely wait to finalize wedding plans and send out save the dates until he agrees to get help. Unfortunately, it might take a while for him to see that he has a problem. If he doesn’t admit that his behavior is a problem, then I’d consider an indefinite hold on the wedding until you’re sure you can live the rest of your life like this.
Post # 9
while a couples counselor might not be a bad idea, i solo visit for him may be more helpful. it seems that he may need some help developing coping mechanisms, and healthier ways of dealing with everyday stress. this may be less of a learned behavior, and more of an anxiety-based stress reaction.
i would highly recommend him seeking professinal help, even to root out the causes of his stressors, and better ways to cope with them.
Post # 10
He needs to get help for his problems. My dad is actually the same way and it made growing up it that household a living hell. It turned from screaming about what happened, to blaming/screaming at my sister or me, and then he would physically take it out on us. It’s incredibly immature of your Fiance and he learned it from his father. He needs to get help on how to deal with stuff that doesn’t work out the way he wants it to because that’s how life is. I would postpone the wedding until he’s ready.
Post # 11
I am just like your Fi. Seriously. If people I know could hear me screaming in traffic, they would think I was a maniac. If I’m at the store and someone is taking forever, I freak out… internally.
For me, therapy helped. I went for an unrelated issue and we diverted into anger management techniques. All I can say is that, if your Fi hasn’t looked into it yet, there is help out there.
Post # 12
I dunno, I think the term ‘red flag’ is way overused. My Fiance is very similar… maybe not quite as short tempered as your guy, but he is very… particular. I find myself telling him to relax all the time. He’s a perfectionist so when something doesn’t work out perfectly he really gets frustrated and beats himself up. He usually focuses this intense drive for perfect order towards fixing cars and work, things that are appropriate to use as an outlet for this type of personality. He’s not abusive, he’s not cruel, he’s just wound up pretty tight.
I agree that it is SUPER annoying to hear a loud swear upstairs, run up asking if he’s okay only to find that he just realized he forgot his softball socks at his parents’ house. I talked to Fiance about this and told him if he’s gotta yell out of frustration, he has to immediately tell me he’s okay haha.
My Future In-Laws are the same way, always yelling and losing their cool over every. little. thing. So I have to have some understanding that he’s used to that and it’s going to take a lot of work for him to get out of that habit. Therapy worked well for him (alone) to work out what sets him off and why it comes out in the form of frustration instead of a healthier way. So far he’s learned that when you go all day bottling things up, you end up exploding over something stupid when you’re in your comfort zone ie. at home with your wife. See if maybe he feels like he can’t say when something is bothering him so he ends up bitching about something stupid instead. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with this behavior or understand that it bothers you, don’t expect him to change it.
You love him and you want to work it out with him, he needs someone laid back like you to help put things into perspective. I think with some counseling you’ll know whether getting married is the right move or not.
Post # 13
Everyone has a quality (or two) about their SO that they wish was different. My Fiance, for example, is insanely annoying. Like, really freaking annoying. He is like being around a 12 year old constantly. He lives by the mantra, “I may have to grow old, but I can stay immature forever.” He irks my last nerve on a daily basis.
This being said, I still love the hell out of him. He is a good man, he treats me well, he is loving, caring, responsible, fun, spontaneous, giving, family oriented…and the list goes on and on.
I know exactly how you feel. I think it is normal to have a quality of your SO that drives you crazy (and I am sure you are like me, where some days are worse than others). However, if you have made it this far in your relationship dealing with his little idiosyncracies then I doubt that it is a red flag that your marriage will fail.
I don’t think couples counseling is a bad idea though. It may help him work on his temper and help you work on dealing with his temper. In all honesty, I think everyone (including myself) could benefit from a little counseling! But if you love this man, really, really love him, then you love him flaws and all. Besides, I’m sure you have a little quirk or habit that drives him equally as nuts!
Post # 14
my Fiance can be like this at times… which ends up leading to him being VERY stressed about small things. My biggest piece of advice? Perspective. When my Fiance starts to flip out about people at work ( he is a supervisor) or get stressed I remind him…” What was the hardest day when you were deployed?” He answers and I say ” Well if you made it through THAT do you think THIS warrants as much stress?” and it usually puts it all in place.
I also had a sit down with him once and said that I didn’t want him to wake up one day 20 years from now and all he remembers about life is the stress and harships. You know what? HE didn’t want that, either. Being “carefree” ( or at least more easily adaptable) isn’t just a personality trait, it can also be a learned behavior.
I suggest first really sitting down and talking with him, like a serious heart to heart. I know you suggested doing couples counseling, which is great! Sounds like you are on the right track. It may be a red flag, but I would wait and see if opening the lines of communication doesn’t help some.
Post # 15
If he freaks out that bad over a leaking bottle of shampoo, what’s he going to do when actual bad things happen? Job losses, death of a parent, a fire in your home, medical issues with your children? Maybe counseling would help him. If he doesn’t see it as a problem, though, no amount of counseling will help if he doesn’t see the need to change.
Post # 16
I could be your Fiance. I get stressed about little things all day long. I learned it from my parents, who are that way. Part of our personalities are shaped by what we see as young children. It honestly makes me upset when I act this way too. I have to take time to relax so I am not wound up all the time, because that makes it worse. I would sit him down and ask him if it bothers him/ he wants to change it. People can always work on themselves. At some point, something so bad/ important will go wrong that he will calm down about little stuff. Until then, you need to know whether he’s willing to work on himself for you. Nobody’s perfect and all you can ask for is effort at least in MHO.