Post # 17
I think counseling is in order. Not really couples from the sounds of it to be honest. You seem very level headed. I think he needs to seek treatment individually.
And personally, if he doesn’t seek help I wouldn’t continue plans to marry him if it were me. I have two children and having them is a blessing and miracle but they change things. They aren’t always going to stick to his schedule and you can’t be concerned he’s going to lose his mind.
I wish you luck but for me it would be a red flag and I wouldn’t commit myself to him for life as he is now.
Post # 18
Has your SO actually experienced something truly terrible? How would he deal with that?
He sounds immature, a little bratty, and a bit of a “debbit downer.” Really with the shampoo? Give me a break. I wouldn’t be able to live with someone like that. Can you? Forever?
I agree with the others that say he may need one-on-one counseling.
Post # 19
Sounds like someone needs anger-management counseling. A red flag? Without a doubt!!!
Post # 20
This is definitely a red flag… my dad is like this, and it is a TERRIBLE environment to grow up in… you basically spend your entire life at home walking on eggshells, because you never know what will set him off. If he’s swearing at bottles of shampoo, he will swear at your children. He needs to admit that he has a problem and seek counseling for it before you even consider planning a wedding, let alone a family, with this man.
Post # 21
Sure, everyone has “quirks”, but from what you describe, your FI’s behavior is more than that because it defines your daily life and actually makes both of you unhappy. Of course I get annoyed with my Fiance from time to time, as he does with me, but I have never thought for a second that his behavior would negatively affect our future happiness. As you mentioned, children will be the biggest “x factor” in your daily lives–everything from getting sick and creating unexpected messes, to throwing tantrums, to making you late, etc.
I agree with all PPs who recommended counselling, especially for him alone to learn coping mechanisms. You sound like you have really good perspective on the situation, and I really hope you two can work through this. You obviously love him, and so I think you should stand by him as long as he gets help and tries his best to change. But remember that your concerns are valid and that as long as you are questioning your future happiness, it is probably wise to postpone plans for marriage.
Post # 22
redqueen and Moja Milosc
made two good points that had me thinking, “how did I not think of that?” One, an underlying anxiety issue he may not even be aware of (I have an anxiety disorder and I tend to overreact to the little things, but handle the big things better than others). Two, bottling things up all day! That is my DH in a nutshell. He won’t complain about the person who was rude to his face, or that I left the sink full of dirty dishes for the 1000th time.
I think we’re all in relationships to learn something we need about ourselves… and if he’s willing, he might actually appreciate gaining some insight! 🙂
Post # 23
Do you want to waste time trying to ‘better’ someone not knowing if they may or may not become less aggressive?
Or do you want to live your life in peace?
Just pick one!
Post # 24
I use to be just like your Fiance, in fact on bad days I still could be. Mostly, it’s the introvert in me coupled with high anxiety levels, which makes change hard for me to handle, even the slightest change in plans really upsets me. My reaction wasn’t always anger, mostly it was tears and mostly it was frustrating. There is a pin floating around on Pinterest that really helped me word it correctly to my DH (link here). Quite honestly the biggest thing to help me was the traumatic break-up with my ex that really helped me realize things don’t always go as planned. What really helped me was therapy and having people in my life that really understand how I work and help me with some perspective. However, there are days that I get really frustrated (usually it’s when I’m tired or PMSing) when things don’t go as planned, but therapy helped me learn to cope with that.
I guess my point is that things can change but you also need to be understanding of where he is coming from. Obviously I have no idea why he is this way but I know that therapy could help him figure it out and learn better ways of coping with it.
Post # 25
Okay, just to circle back, I had another thought.
Your SO sounds just like me–short-tempered. Yes, we’re hot-headed and fly off the handle when something spills, breaks, or doesn’t go our way, but that doesn’t mean that we’re not good people or we’re not worth marrying. My Fi is my complete opposite. He’s mellow, even-keeled, and can silence one of my tantrums by just looking at me and raising an eyebrow.
Bottom line, there is a pot for every lid. Yes, your SO needs to learn to control his temper (again, therapy really helped me), and you need to figure out if you can deal with this aspect of his personality. If you decide yes, figure out a way that works for both of you–raised eyebrow, a simple phrase (like, “yes, but is anyone dying over this?”), something you both recognize as you reining him in.
Keep in mind, all of this is out the window if he becomes even slightly abusive, verbally, physically, or mentally. I hope that helps.
Post # 26
I agree that she should really sit him down and talk to him about it. I think everyone has their hang-ups, and sometimes it’s hard to see them in yourself without someone pointing them out. He may very well be unhappy about this part of his personality, but it’s sometimes hard to change by yourself.
My husband isn’t like this, but he goes through phases where he is just very grumpy. He pouts, gets snappy about everything, and is just generally unpleasant to be around. It’s typically from work-stress, but it’s frustrating and I can’t stand it. I decided one day to bring it up and make him realize he’s not a fun person to be around when he acts like that. He’s gotten much better, it’s easier to catch before it goes on for days, but it always requires me to make him aware the additude is creeping up. He can usually turn it around fairly quickly, now.
Post # 27
I think sometimes on here people make things so black and white. There is a grey area where you still love someone and want to help them work on themselves, if they want to.
Post # 28
I agree… just because someone acts or reacts differently than you do doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, are too unlivable to be with or a dangerous person. Yes, anger is a HUGE issue and can be addressed… but just because one person gets worked up more easily than the other doesn’t mean it can’t be worked on IMO. Some things in life are black and white and some areas are harder to figure out.
Post # 29
I am a hot head for sure over little stuff. Sometimes afterward I feel like an ass that I even got upset. However, with big things I am very rational and I don’t usually flip. Children also don’t make me react this way, because I understand that they have no control over their behaivor or there accidents. I logically know that yelling or getting upset can hurt them and so I don’t do it. It may be a red flag or it may just be a personality trait. A little counseling may help.
Post # 30
QUICK UPDATE: I did have a quick chat with him today. I told him that his reactions to things creates a stressful environment, that constantly getting angry at everything – whether it’s warrented or not- is unhealthy for me just as it’s unhealthy for him. He said he cant help it because its always one thing after another after another after another and that he always has something to worry about. I told him that everyone has things they worry about day in and day out, does that make it right to scream at shampoo? I told him he needs to find a way to cope with the things that go on around him. He said that if it weren’t for the external factors he wouldn’t be like that. (YEAH, I know. Makes no sense). I told him that it isn’t the external factors making him like this. I told him that it’s how he deals with those external factors, how he handles himself that is the problem. He left it more or less that the world is the source of his anger, not him. Which is a cop out. I know.I asked him if he’s happy, to which he said he was.
He said he doesn’t see any other solution other than therapy cause he doesn’t know how to fix it himself. I want to go to couples therapy so we can resolve a couple communication issues we have, but I appreciate your suggestions of him going to one-on-one sessions. I agree that I think it would help.
All of your input has been insanely helpful and has helped me get my thoughts straight. I don’t believe we are at a point where I need to leave. But I do believe that we are at a point where I need to make sure, like one person said, this is something that can be fixed because it’s not a quirk. And I totally agree that if he can scream at a piece of trash because he can’t handle the frustration of something spilling then who’s to say he wouldn’t do that to our kids. Or me one day. It’s just the lack of self control coupled with the “it’s not me-it’s everything else” attitude that is a no-go for me.
Men always go on that they don’t want women to turn into their mothers. But in this case, I want to make sure he isn’t going to turn into his dad. Because we could have a wonderful life. We really could, so long as he learns how to cope and deal with conflict.
Post # 31
I agree with some of the PPs–there are times when a person needs to contemplate leaving, but this is most certainly not one of them, from what you have told us. It seems to me that if he wants to change, he can–if he has you to love and support him. I think that throuh this you both could grow stronger individually and as a couple.