(Closed) NWR: My guy can’t handle LIFE

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@claireos:  I am glad you talked with him, I really am because I feel like I understand where he is coming from.  I find myself a lot of days saying “why does the universe hate me?!?!”  because it seems like I can’t even do little things, which can be VERY frustrating.  Is he a perfectionist?  That might have something to do with it also.  Really, it’s going to be him learning how to change his outlook on things.  Sometimes I slip back too and have to remember what’s important.  Here’s what I usually do: I have a mental list of all of my “blessings” like big things every day I am thankful for and when I start to feel like the world hates me it helps me remember that’s not so.  That might be too touchy-feely for a guy, but he could give it a try. πŸ™‚

Post # 35
Member
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

sometimes people are high maintenance – doesnt mean you are about to make a mistake in marrying him, just need different ways to deal with him

my hubby can have really high highs and really low lows – i mean if a few things go wrong for him he starts sprouting off like the entire universe is against him – freaking draining i tell you but i dont pamper to his downward spiral too much and remind him of the good in his life and the things he has to look forward too and he starts turning his mood around.  in the past when he has gone through a very stressful period at work i use to put positive affirmations notes into his lunch boxs – he loved it

keep communicating with him and goodluck!

Post # 36
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@claireos:  yes! I could write a book lol.  It’s kind of a new philosophy I had to take on about life.  

I’m a perfectionist also and I have to remind myself DAILY that it’s OKAY to mess up!  Making mistakes is part of being human and everyone makes them.

I had to realize that people will go about their business however they are going to regardless of whether I get mad or not.  Getting mad only bothers ME and raises MY blood pressure and the other guy is just like “WTF is wrong with you?”

I also breathe 3 times and if I’m still mad, then there’s probably a good reason.  

I do what I call take 5.  When there’s a lot of people around, I get irritated a lot so I excuse myself for a few minutes and go somewhere, like the bathroom and chill.

For you, I would say: Whenever I get irritated, my Fiance just says “I’m sorry X happened to you” and it’s like all of the sudden it’s better.  Remind him of the positive things.  

Feel free to let your Fiance read this, he might have an “ah ha!” moment.

Post # 38
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@claireos:  no problem! He’s practically your Fiance. πŸ™‚  PM me please if you need anything else – maybe I could save you some money! πŸ™‚

Post # 39
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I used to be like this. Not in an angry way, but I would get really upset (in more of a sulky, crying way) if things didn’t happen according to plan or how I expected them to happen. Like on my s.o.’s and my first valentine’s day together: we weren’t able to make cupcakes together like I had been planning, and I proceeded to be a huge pain in the a** for nearly the whole night, complete with teary expression and the silent treatement. Was it a big deal, an end-of-the-world moment? Hec no, not at all. Did we end up doing something fun? Yep. And yet I still behaved so poorly. I cringe whenever I think about those moments now :/

It is an issue that some people struggle with, and I think it has a lot to do with maturity. Thankfully I have grown a lot, and while I have (thankfully very few) moments, I have been much better and am able to roll with the punches and cope. But that only happened because I noticed my behavior and decided to take action. Only he can decide to change, and if you don’t want that behavior in your life and don’t expect him to acknowledge his immaturity and start trying to change anytime in the near future, then I would suggest not marrying him. Only you can decide what you can live with. I’m sorry you are facing this issue with your fiance πŸ™

Post # 40
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

I have OCPD and anxiety (not OCD, but a personality disorder in which I like everything to just go the way it’s been planned and am very overly organized etc and it leads to more anxiety) and so I can overreact a lot in situations. Being in counseling for a year has helped me a lot. My therapist refers to stress level as your “cup” and some people have cups that are almost full all the time so every little thing can overflow their cups and cause them severe stress and big reactions, even if it’s not warranted.

I would really suggest counseling, because it helps give techniques for “emptying” your cup. I still get annoyed when plans don’t work out and I still clean a lot, but if I can’t, I can live with it because it doesn’t bother me as much. It takes more to cause me to react, so I don’t react too much to situations where it isn’t appropriate. 

I don’t see your SO just waking up one day and being able to cope with life easier, so I would really suggest trying to get into some counseling with him or just him by himself. A lot of the times, we don’t learn skills we need to cope with life or relationships from our parents, and so professional therapists can be really helpful to help us learn about ourselves and learn how to cope with the world around us. 

There are definitely some things that my fiancé does that are because of his parents that drive me insane. :p 

Post # 41
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Im glad you got to talk to him. To me it sounds a bit like immaturaty. It also sounds like he needs to learn some stress management techniques. I think that He needs to learn how to effectively deal with his anger and even though he doenst think so, talking to someone will probably help. I think you have every right to be concerned about your future. He has to be willing to work on himself. I hope all goes well for you! Venting was really a good first step and talking to your SO!!

Post # 42
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

This is really interesting because my parents are the freak-out type. I didn’t know there was any other way until I was grown. Thankfully, my husband and I are pretty ultra-chill. I love having a laid-back husband, but we have our moments, and we get through them mostly like (as others have said) having some perspective. We have little sayings and inside jokes that help us too, like: 

  • “Be slow to anger and quick to forgive.” Someone gave us this advice at my wedding shower and we’ll repeat it if one of us is being ridiculous and pulling the silent treatment or being crabby or something (so petty arguments usually last 3 minutes or less)
  • #firstworldproblems – This is all over the Internet right now and it often (always) applies to our lives. Not to say we should never feel down or complain, but really in the grand scheme of things, we’re so lucky in life that there’s not much to complain about. So if, for example, he washed a red T-shirt with our towels and they turned pink, we might be annoyed for a second, but I’d call us out on it. “Waaaa the new concert T-shirt we got from seeing your favorite band at an awesome show on a beautiful night in Central Park ruined our towels and now we have to go spend $30 to replace them, our lives are so horrible waaaaa.” And then we just end up laughing about it. He calls me on my ridiculousness too, like I was complaining the other day and he said (mocking me in his terrible impression of my voice), “I don’t have enough vacation days this year to do all the things I want to do because I used too many days on going to Hawaii in January waaaaaaaa. #firstworldproblems” 
  • This: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk

I do think this issue is worth taking very seriously before you commit to marriage. As my faaaavorite advice columnist, Carolyn Hax, says: “Always think pebbles in shoes: What’s irritating now will become unbearable over time.”

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