Post # 1
<p style=”margin: 0in 0in 0pt” class=”MsoNormal”><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″></font><p style=”margin: 0in 0in 0pt” class=”MsoNormal”><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″>I need some unbiased advice. My head is spinning right now. My fiance just sent me a text message that said – “Sorry I can’t see you. She wouldn’t understand. Hope you understand”. Obviously, this message was intended for someone else, so I called him to find out what was up. He told me that his ex-wife called him, left a msg, then sent a txt msg asking to see him. So the txt message that I got from him was supposed to go to her and he accidentally sent it to me. He said he also had a voicemail from his mother saying that she had been out to dinner with the exwife last night. I asked him when was the last time he spoke to the ex and he said that he just heard from her today and that they do not keep in touch.</font><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″> </font> <p style=”margin: 0in 0in 0pt” class=”MsoNormal”><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″>Now here’s the thing – FI is kinda sneaky. In the beginning of our relationship I caught him snooping through my myspace account and reading my mail. I don’t have anything to hide, but I certainly felt violated and kinda like – “why do you feel the need to go through my things without my permission, unless you are guilty of some dirt yourself”. He recently opened up to me that he was a “player” when he was in high school (10 years ago). And he’s always maintained that the reason why his first marriage ended was because his wife was unfaithful to him.</font><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″> </font> <p style=”margin: 0in 0in 0pt” class=”MsoNormal”><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″>So after talking to him about the text msg, I immediately called his mom to get some additional info. She told me that there was infidelity on both sides in FI’s first marriage, and that the exwife says that she and FI are still in contact.</font><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″> </font> <p style=”margin: 0in 0in 0pt” class=”MsoNormal”><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″>Now what am I supposed to do with this info? He says that he hasn’t done anything wrong, and that the text msg should be proof of that. But I still feel like there are things going on that I don’t know about and it makes me uncomfortable. And now to find out that he lied about the situation in his past marriage, and still being in touch with the ex……….But I don’t know if I can go back to him and say “well, your mom said blah blah blah”, because that would bring the mom into the mix unnecessarily (and it might prevent any future ability of obtaining any info from her if I need it).</font><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″> </font>
<span style=”font-size: 12pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman'”>What do you ladies think? How would you handle the situation? I almost feel like telling him to change his phone number and his email addy, but I know that if someone really wants to do something they will find a way to do it. Regardless of what kind of obstacles they may have. And I also don’t want to fuel the fire of sneakiness.
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Post # 3
oh gosh, my first thought is "where there’s smoke….."
But only you know your Fiance well enough to know what to do. I know if I had an inkling something maybe a little weird and got that text message I would be wigging out too.
Post # 4
How long have you been engaged and how long were you together before that? How long has it been since he was divorced? You need to be honest with him, but in my opinion you are treading in dangerous waters and I would really ask yourself if this is what you want… not trusting someone 100% is an awful way to go into a marriage. If he cheats on you once you are married what will you do? Will you be ok with it and stay with him because you love him that much? Please don’t read this as attacking… I absolutely do not mean to sound judgemental or threatening but you really need to think about what you could be getting yourself into while you still have the time. Consider the accidental text message a gift from fate.
Post # 5
geez! i don’t know why all of that extra type is within the original message…i apologize about that ladies..
labordaybride: we’ve been engaged for a little over a year now and have been together for about 3 years…..i honestly don’t know what i would do if he cheated on me – EVER….i think it’s easy to say that i would leave, but you never know what you will do in a situation sometimes until you are in it….
i definitely agree that not trusting someone is a horrible existence….but do i let him know what i found out from his mom?…in a way, he’s kinda right about the text msg…..at least he was telling her that he wasn’t willing to meet up with her…..but the whole thing makes me feel really weird….
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2018 - The Rivers Club
Okay this may be the worst advice you are ever given, but you’re getting it anyway 🙂
Follow your gut, if you think something is up, find out and find out for sure. For better or worse I am known as "Miley P.I." because no one can lie to me without me finding out. I search and dig until I know for sure. Luckily though I have yet to be wrong about my suspicions so my investigating has gotten me in less trouble than the lier’s lie.
It is a bit crazy, I know, but I can’t help it. Once the whole story is out in the open everyone feels much better. Obviously, I don’t recommend doing anything hurtful, but find out from him for sure what is going on. There is no reason you shouldn’t know.
Post # 7
I think you bring it up to him that you asked his mom. He may be annoyed that you went behind his back but this is your MARRIAGE you are talking about! You have got to put it all on to the table now. Explain to him that you couldn’t leave it alone and that it bothered you so you went to his mom, and this is what she said…. Ask him flat out to be completely honest with you. You are being honest with him…. He should understand if he loves that you really needed to get to the bottom of this. If he has nothing to hide then it shouldn’t matter. IF you still feel like he isn’t being completely honest with you then I agree wtih Pineapple/Miley P.I. …. keep digging. If you are still unsatisfied and still queasy about it closer to your wedding date… postpone the marriage until you feel 110% sure. Don’t put yourself in that situation where you are married and he has cheated on you… that way you never have to know what you will do…. Again… totally just my opinion. Go with your gut and stay strong!
Post # 8
I think relationships that last are built on openness, honesty, and trust. You’ve been together 3 years and you didn’t know there were infidelities on both sides of his previous marriage. That’s a big deal. I’m sure he’s embarassed by it, and/or didn’t want to scare you away – but him being honest to you about the situation and what he learned from it and how he would never do it again would definitely have made a difference. And you wouldn’t have the feelings you have right now.
Really right now just tell him that the things that have transpired make you feel uncomfortable and tell him why. So what if she calls him. You’re right – her calling him does not in any way say that he did something wrong. But him keeping that information from you is deceptive. That’s where the problem starts.
How far away is your wedding? This is the kinda of situation pre-marital counseling really helps you work though. You need to know now how to deal with these situations and his ex-wife in the future.
If you guys try to work through this and you still feel like there’s dishonesty, deceptiveness, and lack of trust – I would think long and hard about walking down the aisle. You don’t want to spend a lifetime second guessing his actions – or feeling like you have to snoop. That’s not a happy marriage.
Best of luck working through this situation!! You may feel like that text was a ‘mistake’ but maybe it’s what you need to open your eyes to some issues you had your back turned too 🙂 I hope he will understand your fears and work together with you to change these things in your relationship.
Post # 9
i really want to thank you ladies for being so supportive and considerate in your responses….i felt like i couldn’t turn to anyone i know because, there’s always a fear of judgment i guess…..and not truly knowing if i could trust my "friends" to keep their mouth shut…..so, i turned to the Hive…and you all did not disappoint…
now that i have calmed down and had the chance to clear my head, i agree that i should get it all out in the open with him….even about the things that his mom said…..how can i expect complete honesty but not give it in return, right?….and if i don’t confront him now with the things that Future Mother-In-Law said, i will always be wondering if it were true or not…..
we already had plans to take some sort of premarital course before our november wedding, so maybe we need to speed up that process…..we obviously have some trust issues that need to be dealt with…..
i know in my heart that he is a good man…..and like i said before, at least he was turning down the invitation from the ex to meet up….but we definitely need to come to an understanding about lies and deception and how strongly i feel about it…..i will never know if he would have told me about her making contact with him had the txt msg not inadvertently been sent to me….but i need him to understand that it’s important to me that he is up-front with everything, even if it may cause a little hurt or embarrassment initially……
thanks again ladies!!…..all the best to each of you
Post # 10
I think you think something is up… and a woman’s intuition is very rarely wrong. He’s already decieved you by not telling you they kept in touch… you had to hear that from his mother.
I know this is difficult, but I would leave him. Why do you want to put yourself through drama for the rest of your life? He can’t be honest with you now, and you want to commit to him?! There are so many men out there.. go find a better one.
Post # 11
don’t you just press respond and it should go to the right person when you text message… don’t know how he could have sent it to you by "accident".
I would be a Miley PI. Make sure he’s honest. Him talking to his ex shouldn’t be an issue…but make sure you trust him 🙂 good luck 🙂