NWR: Not feeling a connection (Pregnant)

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
5049 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

trekstar :  Even without vomiting the first trimester is a lot.  Your body is going through A LOT and it is an emotional time.  Be patient and kind with yourself.

If you haven’t already I would recommend posting in the following thread and requesting to join our private fb group for September 2018 Babies and Mamas. It’s a great place to interact with other women who are experiencing similar struggles.

https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/september-2018-babies-and-mamas/

 

Post # 17
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think that’s pretty normal, when you can’t feel the baby / fetus moving.  It’s very abstract.  Don’t worry about it.  I’m sure you’ll feel it eventually.

I feel similarly, but I’m only 5 weeks and change, so slightly different situation.  But yeah, I’m excited about being pregnant and about growing a family with my partner, but as for the actual fetus itself, I don’t feel connected per se.  Probably in part because I want to maintain a little distance in case of miscarriage, and in part because it’s a tiny little speck that I can’t feel at all.  I have a very evidence-based worldview, I’m an atheist because I’ve never felt any personal connection with the divine, I’m a scientist, etc… so obviously while I know that a fetus does exist in my uterus (*knock on wood it stays healthy*), until I feel kicking or something, it’s going to seem very abstract.

If you have the baby and still feel rather cold or emotionless towards it, then that’s the time to take it seriously and see someone about post-partum stuff.  Don’t beat yourself up about it now!

Post # 18
Member
681 posts
Busy bee

It is still so early in your pregnancy, bee. Give you mind time to catch up with your body. I just found out the gender of my baby and it is starting to feel more real, but I don’t think there will be a connection until I am holding the baby for the first time. It sounds like you have a very enthusiastic Darling Husband, which will be a great support system as the pregnancy continues.

Post # 19
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have a two-year-old son, and I love him more than everything else in the universe combined. But when I was pregnant, I never really felt a connection with him. It was more like, I hope you’re growing okay in there, but I’m really looking forward to you being out! I never really liked feeling him kick, except that it was evidence that he was still okay. I didn’t feel like a mom until after he was born. Now I’m seven weeks along with his little sibling, and it’s the same way – I hope s/he is developing properly, and I’ll be an incubator for as long as s/he needs, but what I’m looking forward to most is being done with pregnancy and birth. It’s okay not to be thrilled or to dislike being pregnant! But if your feelings keep worrying you, talk to a therapist. Postpartum and antepartum depression and anxiety are very real problems, and there is help available!

Post # 20
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

I think its easier for everyone around you to be excited because they aren’t going through the actual pregnancy. Even if its not a difficult pregnancy, its still a big change to your body, and there’s alot of anxiety and pressure surrounding becoming a mother. Everyone else just gets to be happy observers. Don’t feel bad about your state of mind, there’s definitely nothing wrong with the feelings your experiencing.

Post # 21
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m currently pregnant as well and even though this was a planned pregnancy, I have almost daily moments of doubt/denial/upset/panic, you name it I go through all the emotions. Everything about being pregnant and having a baby terrifies me so I am not feeling an intense connection to it at this point either. Speaking with other mothers and as PP mentioned, once he/she is here you will be able to form that bond. You are definitely not alone feeling like this! 

Post # 23
Member
1322 posts
Bumble bee

It took me until my 20 week anatomy scan to feel connected, I guess it just didn’t really seem like a baby until I saw a baby in there, lol. 

Post # 24
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

It took about 3 months AFTER my daughter was born to really start to feel a connection with her. The second she popped out veryone is like, “you must be so in love with her!!” I was like, um sure yahhhh… but in reality I was crying every day and felt awful. Post partum is so HARD! So don’t feel bad OP if you don’t feel an immediate connection once your child is born either. I’ve always heard people say “oh i fell in love with him/her the second I held her in my arms”… well that wasn’t true for me. It takes some time. That being said my daughter is now almost 9 months and I can truly say I am so in love with her now! The love and bond grows every single day, you will get there just give it time!

ETA: and definitly join your birth board on FB, it makes pregnancy much more exciting!

Post # 25
Member
5049 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

trekstar :  You’re welcome! Looking forward to seeing you in the private group.  It is super helpful and a great place to vent, discuss struggles and to celebrate.

Post # 26
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It’s normal. It happens. I don’t know why it happens, but it does. I’ve had the oddest experience – I felt an instant connection to one of my kids, but not the other. With one, I felt like I can tell what he’s thinking before he was born. It was amazing, and made putting up with all the nasty symptoms so much easier.

With the other one… nothing. I’d lie awake at night and try to talk to her, and it felt like I’m talking to brick wall, no one is listening. I’d fought for that kid before she even existed – went against my habit of not making waves and asked for a raise at work to get us into better financial shape, argued for months with Darling Husband when he decided we can only handle one kid, worked on my health even when it involved very unpleasant trips to the dentist… I definitely wanted her to be in our family, but still couldn’t connect to her. 

I still don’t know what to make of it all. Even after Dear Daughter was born, I had to work harder at relating to her, and I think she knew it. She screamed so much and so loudly, I’m surprised I don’t have hearing loss. I suspect I had PPD on top of that. But in the end, I love them both big time. It’s a different love, it’s probably always going to be different, but neither one is “less” loved.

Post # 27
Member
6161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Number one most important less for new mamas to learn- Be gentle with yourself! I’m glad people are sharing their stories. It really helps to know you aren’t alone in this.

I had a friend who told me (a few years before I had my kid) about her own experience and that later helped me during my process. She told me that she hadn’t been pleased when she found out she was pregnant. She’d never actually wanted children but she is not pro-choice. So she was devastated when she got pregnant and then she felt guilty about how she felt. When her baby was born, my friend was worried that her daughter would know how she’d felt so she overcompensated and put a lot of effort into her mothering- basically smothering her daughter with attention. By the time she was 7 or 8, my friend’s approach made her daughter really clingy and she wasn’t able to sustain that level of connection (because it wasn’t authentic) and she pulled away from her because she (my friend) now felt terribly smothered by her daughter’s demands for closeness. When we were talking, she was telling me that she could see the results of her own reticence and anxieties in how her daughter behaved. Fortunately, they have a really big family and her daughter had lots of aunts and cousins that she was close to, which helped her resilience but she was struggling with her mother’s behavior and my friend was struggling with her own behavior, her own feelings and the very obvious impact it had on her child. They were all getting therapy at that point to find a healthy and balanced approach to their relationship.

When my son was born, I remembered my friend’s story and I decided to just let myself feel whatever I felt. I distinctly recall a moment, when he was a couple weeks old, where I was just looking at him and wondering if what I felt was love. I decided that I was not yet in love but that I knew I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to keep him safe and well and that was enough for that moment. (besides, he didn’t know the difference or care) Then, when he was about 6 weeks old, he’d just finished eating and was milk drunk and as he was drifting off to sleep, he smiled a little and relaxed his little body in my arms and I felt myself fall in love. I’d felt attachment before that and moments of sweetness but he’d also felt like a little parasite in my belly and then a little alien creature that I didn’t know yet. But that moment of feeling was really intense for me and I think I was able to feel it so clearly because I let myself be honest about what I was or wasn’t feeling before that without judging myself.

If you find yourself unable to connect with your baby after they are born, then you might want to speak with someone or get some support. But not feeling a connection during your pregnancy doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad.

Post # 28
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I think this is normal. I was excited when I was pregnant but I feel like I didn’t connect to him as a person until he started moving and I could see his face on the ultrasound. That makes it real! Before that, you don’t really feel any different except maybe sick or tired.

Post # 29
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

You aren’t alone! I’m still in the first trimester and I’m constantly aware that I’m pregnant, but don’t feel connected yet. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it even takes me until a while after the baby is born to really feel that connection. I’m slow to adjust to change so I think that may be part of it. Also, it doesn’t really feel like there’s exactly a person inside of me to connect with anyways. I don’t think it means you’re a bad person or going to be a bad mom. It’s a big adjustment and something totally new.

Post # 30
Member
1869 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Totally normal! My SIL wasn’t attached to her babies at all while pregnant (she has 3) and she is a wonderful mother. When I fell pregnant she told me she thought I’d be very attached while pregnant and I was. Everyone is so different! 

Try not to stress and take good care of yourself. Post partum emotions are so hard and I’d recommend always talking to someone about your feelings because you aren’t alone. 

Also agree with joining your birth month group. There is nothing like going through it with ladies that know. I love my mothers group.

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