(Closed) NWR: Parent’s Expectations… For life in general, and overcoming them?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry.  I know the pressure from our parents can be so tough.  I think at some point, you have to say enough is enough.  If you don’t want to go to grad school, then don’t do it.  It’s your life.  You have to foot the bill.  It will be hard to tell them no, but I promise if it’s what you want to do…you will feel better about saying no in the long run. 

By The Way, my Fiance is an artist.  He always says a good artist is constantly challenging him/herself.  πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I have similar issues, but mine aren’t quite as extreme. I am finishing my PhD now, and my mom has this unrealistic expectation that I’m going to magically get a job at, like, an Ivy League or something and be some big shot professor interviewed on the History Channel every week, but she never really stops to talk to me about my own plans for my future (or even the realities of my job markey). She tells her friends all this stuff, and I always feel overwhelmed that there’s no way these things are going to happen, nor is that the life I want.

I keep trying to focus on the life I do want and that my Fiance and I want. It’s hard.

The wedding hasn’t helped, either, because she has a vision for what she thinks I should want to wedding to be, and she wants to give me that, but that isn’t what we want. It’s what we’re getting, though, and we’re having to cover a lot of the costs.

Post # 6
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cbee:  I think you just have to make a decision as to what you want to do in the future.  I just mentioned this to my Fiance.  He said that if you want to teach, an MFA would be necessary, but if you want to be a studio artist…you don’t need it.  He went to grad school, but he didn’t apply to any.  He was actually invited to come to a school in SD.  He figured he would teach art after he graduated.  He still had to pay for grad school and is STILL paying for it! 

Post # 8
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cbee:  Nope.  He is not teaching.  That is what he originally planned to do.  If he had decided to stay in SD, he would have been offered a teaching job.  Instead, he and his family (he was married at the time) moved to the east coast to be closer to his dad.  Where we live, you have to know someone to get a good job teaching at a university.  He applied for a lot of positions.  He almost got a job at an the Boston Museum of Fine Arts and was passed over for someone who was already a student there.  He tried for a long time to make a career with art.  He was even a tattoo artist for 3 years, which he loved, because it was a challenge to learn something new.  It was just hard for him to make money with that, because when it’s slow and there are no customers, you don’t get paid.  So right now, he works in insurance. LOL  He’d rather be doing what he loves, but he has 2 children to support and it pays the bills.  It would have been easier for him to continue pursuing a career in arts if he was single.  He doesn’t regret leaving SD, because if he hadn’t followed the path he chose in life, we would have never met. πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I also want to add I totally understand what you’re talking about with your parents.  I swear you described mine.  My mom is very critical of her children and what we’ve chosen to do in life, yet she’s addicted to pain pills and used to drink a lot.  She has nothing to show for herself in life, but is the first person to point out what we are doing wrong.  So yeah, I get it.  It totally sucks, because you just want to say “hey…what about YOU?”

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would honestly go to a really good therapist for coping tools for getting past parental expectations. I have a lot of the same family issues that you do , and it has helped me tremendously! Once you really understand abuse dynamics and how that drives people into specific roles through generations (your grandparents, parents, and you and your siblings), it’s so much easier to be able to take a step back and look at the dynamics of a disagreement and see what’s really happening…and then to diffuse it.

Ultimately, you have to just suck it up and do what’s best for you, and live your life.

Post # 12
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think there came a time in my life where I respected my parents opinions but didn’t let it stress me out if they didn’t agree with my life choices. Clearly, I prefer to have their support and blessings for the things I do. Ultimately, they probably just are doing this out of a desire for you to have a better life.

Post # 13
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@mrsSonthebeach:  Ha, yeah, people do not understand how it works AT ALL. I’m finishing my PhD in history as well, and I’ve had to explain to my dad that no, I am unlikely to get a job teaching at Princeton. lol.  I dipped my toe in the market this year for the first time, and I think it helped him realize what the situation actually was when I showed him the letter that said, “Thank you for your application. We are currently reviewing the 350 applications we received for this position, and we will contact you as soon as possible.”

@cbee:  Do not go to grad school unless you are absolutely, totally, 100% sure it’s what you want to do. It will not be worth it, financially or professionally. If it helps, my best friend is an artist. We graduated from college 10 years ago. She’s spent that time living, working, building her portfolio, and she just this year felt ready to apply for the MFA program at Chicago that she wants.  She has an interview next month, and although I don’t know, I suspect she will be accepted. And it’s because she is really and truly ready.

 

Edited to clarify: I don’t mean that grad school is never worth it; only that it’s not worth it until you are sure it’s the best next step for you.

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