(Closed) NWR: Secretly not taking birth control!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do if a good friend told you she was secretly not taking her birth control?
    Say nothing. Not your business. : (73 votes)
    35 %
    Talk to her about it in a more in-depth fashion. : (125 votes)
    60 %
    Let her FI know. Lying about this is just way too serious. : (12 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    3049 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 1991

    It may be a bad way to start a marriage, but I don’t think you should get involved. You’ve already talked to her and told her how you feel about it. If she wants to mess things up, that’s up to her!

    Post # 4
    350 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I would say to stay out of it.  It isn’t right for her to be dishonest with her fiance like that but it isn’t your place to get involved either.  And maybe it’s possible she already talked to her fiance about having children and he wants to as well?  Maybe her stopping her BC might not be known to him but if they both agree to having children it may not be a bad thing in the end.  Like your fiance said they are getting married and many married couples choose having children as a next milestone anyway.

    Post # 5
    903 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Ooh, that’s not good….

    I don’t think it’s your business to tell her Fiance, but I would talk to her more in depth about the issue (if they’re some of your closest friends, you should be able to do that without being too nosy). The problem is less that she might get pregnant (some couples are ok with getting pregnant before they’re married) and more the fact that she’s doing it “secretly”. Children are a big decision and one that should be made with your spouse/future spouse, not on your own if you want one. Do you know how her Fiance feels about having kids right now? I would suggest that she talk it over with her Fiance and see where he’s at with it, if she hasn’t already. Suggest that it could be a big deal if she gets pregnant and he finds out. She may have to decide if she wants a baby or her husband more, because something like this (especially the dishonesty part) could seriously drive a wedge between her and her Fiance.

    Post # 6
    762 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Okay, I’ve known 3 girls that have done this, I’ve kept my mouth shut whenI knew and it was disasterous! All 3 couples broke up, one girl got an abortion, one put the kid up for adoption, and the other kept the baby but couldn’t afford anything and moved in with her parents (ages were 22, 23, 25)…

    I suggest you talk it over with her and in worst case senerio, tell her FI! This isn’t a joke and will consiquently hurt the baby, so if she really want’s one, then she’ll wait. And if she really does love her Fiance and herself she would lie like that.

    Whenever a woman does this, it sickens me…

    Post # 7
    3624 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Yea, I’d say talk to her a bit more, if she’s confided in you, then you have a right to try and reason with her. If you just “found out randomly” I’d say it was none of your business, but she brought it up.

    Altnernately, you HAVE already told her how you feel, so, you could just stay out of it, if that’s what you’d prefer.

    8 years ago, my brothers ex-girlfriends did this, and ended up pregnant. oops! Would never ever want to un-do my nephew, but it was really not the way to go about doing things. If I would have known, I probably would have told her or him or something!

    Post # 7
    2237 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    If she truly is one of your best friends I see nothing wrong in voicing your opinion with her.  I don’t think you should say anything to her fi, but expressing the fact that you are concerned with her starting her marriage while lying to her fiance isn’t overstepping with your best friend.

    ETA – if any of my close friends told me something like this, I would smack them upside the head and ask them what they’ve been smoking.  If I found out randomly, I would still bring it up to them.  I would never just go and say something to their SO though.

    Post # 8
    2018 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    There’s really nothing to say-it’s her bad choice.  But it’s really shitty that she told you that in the first place because it will permanently altered the friendship and yes, now you will feel weird every time you get together.  And it will be even worse if/when she gets pregnant.  Why can’t people just STFU these days and not bring everyone else into their drama???

    Post # 10
    13096 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    While she is 100% utterly in the wrong for stopping birth control behind her husband’s back, it is also not your place to get involved in their business.

    @MandaMack: “if any of my close friends told me something like this, I would smack them upside the head and ask them what they’ve been smoking.”


    Post # 11
    2392 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think that this is a truly terrible way to start a marriage.  If she does get pregnant, she’s either going to have to come clean that she tried to make a serious life decision without his input, or continue deceiving him for the rest of their lives together.  There’s no way it ends well.

    I don’t think it’s right to out here, but now that she’s told you, I think you need to at least talk to her seriously about what she’s doing and what the ramifications of her actions could be.  If she really, really wants children as soon as possible, she needs to let her fiance know this.  It’s not your job to let him know, but as her friend you should at least try to talk her through this decision before she destroys her future marriage.

    Post # 12
    1493 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    It’s a sticky situation, but I would talk with her more about it and also stay out of it. She has to own up to her fiance about what’s she’s done. She’s made that decision and has to take responsibility for it. I would hate to be the fiance that learns through friends that she’s off bc. It puts you in a very bad, uncomfortable place with that friendship. I wouldn’t expect the friendship to survive after doing something like that. As much as I would love to stop bc sooner than we’re planning on it, I won’t because I respect my husband’s wishes and timeline.  

    Post # 13
    5892 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I would ask her why she doesn’t respect her husband. I would make this less about the bc and child and more about deception and not negoitating with the man she says she loves.

    Post # 14
    2192 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    That’s no good that’s for sure. But, telling her Fiance would be bad news, however, if she’s really a close friend you should be asking her what the crap she’s doing. There is little chance that will end good for the relationship, esp if he thinks she’s taking it and then all of a sudden she’s pregnant?? He’s probably not going to buy that it just didn’t work…but that would depend on him too I guess.

    Post # 15
    7431 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I would definitely talk to her more about it. Ask her how she would feel if her Fiance went behind her back and did something, how would that make her feel? Since she told you, you have every right to tell her that its wrong to do this, and start a marraige with deception

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