(Closed) NWR – should I have lied to my mom?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Um no. IMO, it’d be rude to NOT invite your mom!!! I wouldn’t get mad at Darling Husband for doing that…I think it’s perfectly reasonable since you cancelled plans with her for him.

Sometimes I don’t think guys get how close daughters can be with their moms. I have a VERY close relationship with my mom. A lot of things I don’t tell her (personal stuff, etc) but she does ask personal questions–she knows about my endo and will occassionally ask questions out of concern. If she asks someone that’s not her business, I tell her and she’s gotten to the point she realizes it’s right for me NOT to tell her some things. It’s like when Darling Husband tells his friend lots of stupid little things….it’s the same, to me, right? You gotta have someone. I also wonder…maybe your Fiance is a little jealous? Not in a bad way….but I totally get that since sometimes Darling Husband is all buddy buddy with his friends and we aren’t always like that together and somretimes they talk about things Darling Husband won’t talk to me about. Usually stupid stuff like who’d win in a fight: vampires or werewolves? but still…if it catches me in the wrong mood, I can get sensitive about it.

No you shouldn’t have lied to your mom. I think you should reinvite her to the game, too! It’s a 2.5 hour drive for her!

Post # 4
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think in this specific situation you were right and should not have lied to your mom. However, putting it in context of the ongoing issue (you telling your mom everything), I can see why he would be upset. Rationally, I think he would agree with you, but his opinions are affected by his annoyance at a pattern of behavior rather than this specific event. 

Post # 5
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m pretty much with you on this.  In this scenario, I think it was fine to tell her why you wanted to cancel.  I don’t think that there is any injustice to your Fiance this way.  And it sounds like your mom is pretty cool. 

I also agree with your assessment that you shouldn’t have invited her, with the stipulation that you’d check with Fiance.  Then she knows you want her to go, and if she doesn’t get the nod it’s because of Fiance.  Now it comes across like he’s the bad guy for not wanting her to go.  It would have been OK to talk to Fi about it first, and then invite her.

When he said you should tell her less stuff, I was thinking intimacy, or other personal things about him (toenail fungus?  screwed up at work? etc.)  But mentioning that you’re going to a ball game seems relatively benign.  If you can’t say that, what can you say?

My guess is he hasn’t really addressed what is really bothering him.  While you have a good relationship with her, does she maybe seem smothering or controlling to him?  Does he simply want to have you to himself more often?  Does the information you’ve shared in the past, make him feel a break of trust that you have to earn back?  Maybe the situation with the game was mostly about the part where you invited her.  But could it be the just by mentioning things that seem innocent, somehow they usually get twisted into something personal being revealed, or an awkward invitation being offered?

Good luck, but again, I’d have another discussion about what specifically bothers him.

Post # 7
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I can understand not wanting you to discuss finances.  My husband doens’t wnat me sharing things like our income with my mom.  (I can appreciate that.)  BUt not being able to tell her you’re doing some remodeling?  That’s a little steep.

Maybe you should talk to him about wanting to keep her close because you never know when she won’t be there anymore…  And ask him, what topics does he think are OK?  She is afterall, your mom.  You should be able to talk to her about your life.  “Ummm…can’t really say,” for every answer isn’t going to fly.

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