Post # 1
As I posted a while ago, Future Mother-In-Law passed away a week ago. Things have been rather hectic, but right now I’m kind of floored and a pretty upset with my grandparents.
They came to FMIL’s wake. This part doesn’t bother me so much, but what happened after does. They came to her wake for the sole purpose of checking out FH’s family. Apparently my grandmother called my mom crying because no one spoke to them and that FH’s family was “beneath me” and that if I ended up in that family, they might as well go ahead and bury me too.
My grandparents have never been the type of people to do anything out of kindness, so while I know that this is the type of people they are, I can’t believe they would do something like this. My grandparents had never seen Future Mother-In-Law, so they mentioned how big she was and sort of insinuated that, that’s why she died.
They don’t know that I know any of this. My mom is the one that told me, and I really feel like I should say something to them. Who goes to someone else’s wake and gets upset that no one talks to them? Maybe it’s because they didn’t know anyone there and no one knew them. And also, why would you use a wake to judge how good someone’s family is? People are grieving.
My relationship with my grandparents has gotten progressively worse over the years- it started when I was about 10 and my grandparents called my mother a whore for thinking about dating again after my dad passed- and I feel like this is an all time low.
I’m just shocked, and I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry! It really is a horrible feeling to have things like that go on and it’s your own family.
I think you are more than welcome to speak your mind, but also keep in mind that older folks are often set in their ways and see life from a different set of perspectives as well as prerogatives. I’m in no way saying that people can’t change ( or that it’s right), but don’t be shocked should they be abrasive!
Do what you can to keep moving forward after this tragedy , and if you need to distance yourself from said family members, do so!
Post # 4
@SouthernGirl: “My grandparents have never been the type of people to do anything out of kindness”
Sounds like this battle may not be worth fighting. I doubt anything you say will change how they act or feel, and they would probably just turn it against you. When you have people who’re this set in their ways, and they have each other to reinforce bad behavior, there’s not much that can be done. I’m very sorry you’re having family problems… Maybe just try to distance yourself from them, especially at a time that’s already difficult.
Post # 5
I think it’s obvious they have a nasty attitude that you obviously didn’t inherit from them. I would personally ignore them as much as possible, but prepare Fiance and anyone else it may affect that they are kind of crazy and to take them with a grain of salt.
I had a crazy grandfather who passed away recently. Many, many gems left his mouth before he died. I have not told Fiance some of them because the words were spoken out of ignorance and meant nothing to me.
People only have as much power over you as you give them, so I wouldn’t let them ruin your experience.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo
Yikes. They sound evil. Personally I wouldn’t address it with them. It would put your mother under a bad light and your don’t want to drag her into an argument. Also, you’d be wasting your breath….i know it’s terribly cliche’ but you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Just say this has given you more insight about how much you should avoid them and leave it at that.
I WOULD however, consider not inviting them to the wedding.
Post # 7
@SouthernGirl: I have shockingly abrasive grandparents too. We recruited my uncle to babysit, with the understanding that if they acted up he was to take them home. Could you have a relative similarly do something, or are they still up for being invited, at his point.
Post # 8
I have. I haven’t spoken to them since. I ignored a phone call from them the day after because I figured that I might say something to them and just make things worse.
I was thinking about saying that I didn’t appreciate what they said about FH’s family, especially when they were already going through a lot, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it either.
FH told his sister what they said, and she couldn’t believe it. Thankfully, Future Sister-In-Law knows that I do not share the views that my grandparents share, but it is embarassing to me because they are my family. I don’t know what made them think they are better than everyone either.
Post # 9
I don’t think I’ll be inviting them to the wedding anymore. Not after this. I would really hate to have my grandparents ruin that day for me by looking down and scowling at everyone the whole time. They made a scene at some other events, and I’d really rather not have that at my wedding.
I don’t think anyone could babysit. They believe that they are better than everyone else, including my stepdad and his family, and even my mom can’t talk any kind of sense into them, even if it was to just pretend to be nice for a few hours, so them coming to the wedding is a maybe.
Post # 10
Ack! I’m so sorry you’re going through this…especially at such a difficult time.
Personally, if I were going to confront them, I would start the conversation by saying that they looked very uncomfortable and unhappy at the wake. I would ask what’s up with that. As they haven’t said anything to you directly, you might want to see how they address those questions. If they say stuff that’s offensive to you, I’d say how disapointed you are and that, all things considered, if they feel that way, they don’t need to worry about “lowering” themselves by coming to your wedding. You’re baiting them, but at this point, all you have is heresay…perhaps give them a chance to hang themselves?
I’m not sure if I would confront them. Given their behaviour and their prior behaviour, it’s pretty obvious that they are set in their ways and don’t care how they are preceived by other people. I would just not seek out contact and I probably would think long and hard about inviting them to the wedding. If they say anything about the wedding, I would just say that given the comments and the impression they have given you, they are not happy for you. Thus, you won’t inconveinence them by inviting them to an event that they so clearly have no interest in celebrating.
If you do invite them, remember that their behaviour reflects on them, not you. Your FI’s family has a pretty clear heads up about their feelings now…so you shouldn’t have explain anythying. They will look like the ill-bred low-lifes…not you and certainly not your Fiance.
Post # 11
I just wouldn’t invite them to the wedding. If they ask why, tell them you wouldn’t want them to have to socialize with people they feel are “beneath” them.
The way I am, I would say something to them. I’m not one to let that sort of thing go. Even if it’s not to try and sway them to a better way of thinking, I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about that. But it’s up to you. If you’re sick of their crap, say something to them. You’d be perfectly justified, and you’re absolutely justified in how you feel about it.
Post # 12
They came to visit today since I was staying at my parent’s last night. I just told them that I was sorry they felt that FH’s family wasn’t good enough for them and left it at that. I wasn’t going to say anything, but the way they have treated me and my family for years and now the way they’re treating FH’s family was just the final straw. I doubt I’ll invite them to the wedding, and when that day comes, I’m going to come look at your post for reference so I know exactly what to say (I have the tendency to have something really good in my head but I lose it when it comes time to say.)