(Closed) NWR: Sister & father vent!

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

HUGS – I totally understand being the go-to person.  That’s me as well.  And, I understand being made to feel awful about it because you genuinely want to be there for them.

 

I know you didn’t want advise – but, I’m going to share this because it helped me SOOO much and brought so much sanity to myself.  Ready?  Here it is:  it’s OK to say no and be selfish with your time.  They will figure it out.  Your dad can figure out how to get the airport.  Your sister can stay home with her child.  It’s OKAY.  You are not ruining their life.  They will find another way.  A simple:  “I’m sorry, I can’t help you do ‘x'” with NO reason or excuse is sufficient.  It’s soooo hard to do, but I PROMISE – once you try it a few times (and also see that they DO figure out another way) it will get easier!  What this also does is when you DO want to help them, it doesn’t feel like a burden or responsibility – but something you really want to do joyfully (if that makes any sense).

ETA:  Aside from the time and wear and tear on your car… gas prices alone are insane!!!

 

Post # 5
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MexiPino:  Something else I learned through the process is there’s something the ‘pleaser’ gets from pleasing… meaning, it filled a need for me and role I embraced in the family.  It was this underlying theme of ‘their needs are greater than mine’.  It took a LONG time to retrain my brain that my needs (even if they didn’t seem as important) were just as important if not more important (since I’m the one responsible for my mental health!).  

The fact that you are feeling used is a HUGE red flag, IMO, and something you should not take lightly.  I’ll guarantee you that if your father and sister knew you felt that way, they would be mortified.  They are likely just going along with being used to you always being willing/able/at the ready.  The best thing you can do for your relationship with them is to start creating boundaries for yourself and allow yourself to carve out the life YOU desire to live.

Post # 6
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@MexiPino:  I think it is time that you take some time for yourself and your Fiance. You moved home to homeschool your sister and then take care of your sick father. That should be more than enough and it really doesn’t seem like the appreciate anything you’ve done.

You are allowed to say no every once in awhile. You have your own life. I am terribly sorry you are going through all of this. The fact they want you to drive 100s of miles away to babysit with gas prices the way they are (I live in Pennsylvania and I think they are crazy here, so I can only imagine how things are in Cali.) is insane to me.

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