(Closed) NWR: Starting out your relationship long-distance

posted 4 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
  • poll: Describe your LDR

    Started relationship in same city---> moved to LDR

    Started relationship long distance

  • Post # 2
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee

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    akshali2000:  NO! Its not weird to be on here and not be engaged πŸ™‚ I am in a similar situation as you! My SO and I have been dating for a little under 2 years and we have been long distnace from the get go.  He lives 400 miles away and is usually back home to see me 2-3x’s a month.  Not too long ago I was having the same questions as you about needing an end date .. I think that yes it is very important to have an estimate of an end date in mind in order for the relationship to move forward.  With my guy we had a long conversation about what our future goals are and when he is going to move back.  I had posted about this and I got such good advice.. I think your number one thing to do is talk to him and figure out what his goals are for himself and for your relationship (this includes talking about engagement.) It is very very very important that you two are on the same page about closing the distance gap, engagement, and your future in general.  Guys are not mind readers and they are horrible at picking up hints sometimes, you have to tell them exactly how you feel and what you want! Communication is #1 in a long distance relationship! πŸ™‚  I hope this helps!

    My SO and I are looking at homes now back where I live (where he would like to settle down as well), we agreed that once the house is bought the ring will follow soon after, and we will stay long distance for another year after we purchase a home.

    PS> I hear ya on the pressure from other people and seeing everyone around you getting engaged and married.  What matters most is what is best for you and your relationship, not what everyone else is doing or thinks πŸ™‚ 

    Post # 3
    Member
    76 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    Hi!  My story is similar to yours.  I’m 25 in VA, while my Boyfriend or Best Friend is 28 in PA.  We met in PA through a mutual friend in Fall 2011 and then he went part time and graduated in spring 2012.  I then moved to medical school in VA in 2013 and we’ve been five hours apart since.  In short, we were dating about a month before we went long distance, now 4.5 years in! 

    We see each other every 4-6 weeks. We always had a soft ‘end date’ of closing the gap when I started residency, but now that we are approaching 5 years together, we decided to start talking about him moving and engagement a few weeks ago.  I am also delaying graduation a year, so proof that life happens and plans can change. 

    Initially I wanted us to live together first before engagement, but we are going through this great conversation guide which has helped us discuss big relationship topics while working out a more definite timeline.  http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/cc.pdf   There are plenty of resources online and books to help, but I’ve enjoyed talking through this one so far. Skype is a huge asset. 

    I totally get the stress of everyone around you getting engaged while you hardly get to see your Boyfriend or Best Friend but you’re not alone!  A bunch of my friends got engaged this spring and my mom sends not so subtle hints about rings and grandchildren, so it’s hard to escape.  

    Like RocktheBoat mentioned, the most important thing is have a healthy, ongoing, dynamic discussion about your relationship.  It can be hard to bring up difficult topics when you have such precious little time together, but it’s vital for your relationship to grow.  Promise to always be honest and transparent with your wants, hopes, and needs. 

    LDRs have their own unique set of challenges, but also have great benefits. I wish you and your SO the best of luck! laughing

    Post # 6
    Member
    1586 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m in my mid 40s and soon to be Fiance is in his late 30s.  We met online eight years ago.  And, through lots of conversation and weekend trips, we fell in love.  He’s moved cross country to be with me (though he hasn’t propsed yet – MEN!) and we’re planning our life together.  

    Post # 7
    Member
    7591 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    This was the case for my bff and her now husband. They met at a party in husband’s city where bff was visiting, hit it off, and immediately were hot and heavy, talking for hours on the phone every night and visiting each other almost every weekend (they were about six hours apart). After a year, my bff moved to her now-husband’s city, and a few months later they got engaged.

    It can definitely work, but you have to be on the same page. For instance, I don’t think my friend would have quit her job and moved to her now husband’s city if she hadn’t felt confident that they were heading towards marriage. As pp’s have said, open communication is vital. You have to be able to ask the other person where they see the relationship heading, and to be honest about what you want.

    Post # 8
    Member
    4242 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I was in a LDR for over 3 years from age 21-24 so here’s my take on this…

    LDRs are different than traditional relationships.  It is very difficult to get to know someone on a day-to-day basis when you are not with them day in and day out.  Every visit becomes a “vacation” of sorts.  Sure there is Skype and Facetime however it is still very different when you are in person as opposed to spending your time with them on Skype.

    I will also say, there is actually a decent age gap with him being 23 and you being 26.  He is just out of college, you have been out for a decent amount of time.  Being in different places in your lives is definitely a challenge…I am not saying that it *can’t* work, but with the growth that happens in your mid 20’s, he likely has a good deal of growing to do yet.

    Post # 10
    Member
    38 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - Abernethy Center

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    akshali2000 :  Hi there and welcome! πŸ™‚ I am new here too, but hoping my two cents will help out a little!

    I met my SO in 2013 through mutual friends I had gone to visit. We talked all throughout my stay and kept in contact even after I returned home (1,100 miles apart). I was 21 and in college, he was 23 and graduating his undergrad. A couple months later, he convinced me to fly out again to surprise my friends again – though I now know, this was to get to know each other more and spend more time together! I agreed and flew out. We spent the whole trip together, and the day before I boarded my plane to go home, he asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said yes! 

    We did a LDR for over a year. I flew out to visit him every 2-3 months, and we skyped/texted/called each other frequenly. He graduated and landed a good job in the city. I graduated in 2014 and he came out to celebrate and meet my family. After he flew home, while looking into “career jobs” relevant to my degree, I had a gut urge. I talked to my parents, explored some options job-wise, planned financially and took the plunge. In late June 2014, I moved halfway across the country and we closed the LDR.

    Well, bees, I am happy to report that in May 2015, we bought our first home together and just 5 months after that, he asked me to be his Mrs.! Life is beautiful and we are so grateful – both for our lives now but also for that time we had to spend apart – it can really prove just how strong you are as a couple and reinforce how wonderful it is to be together. 

    I just wanted to share my story to say that while LDRs can be incredibly difficult at times, they can work out! They’re not something to give up on. And even without an end date in mind at all – sometimes all it takes is appropriate timing, being on the same page and taking a leap of faith. πŸ™‚

    Good luck, stay strong and don’t worry about studies and statistics. Follow your heart, stay positive, don’t stress about the future; just enjoy time together in the moment πŸ™‚

    Post # 11
    Member
    4242 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    View original reply
    akshali2000 :  Then I would approach this with a clear head.  You are already having a difference in timeline.  As these boards prove time and time again, a difference in engagement timelines can be devastating to a relationship.  So be sure you are honest with each other and clear with expectations.  If he isn’t looking for marriage for another 5+ years are you ok with that?  Would you be ok being his girlfriend for that long?  It can be tough to listen to your head instead of your heart in love, but especially in a situation where you aren’t sure what a timeline could be, you have to use your head.  If you know you aren’t going to be ok with an extended engagement you have to be honest with yourself.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2990 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2008

    DH and I started out long-distance and have been married for 7 years now. We were kind of in a similar situaiton job wise in that if one of us moved to be with the other, we would need to change careers. I think rather than having an “end date” in mind, excellent communication and flexibility are a must. I ultimately made the choice to move and change careers to be with him, because he was worth uprooting my life for, and I’m happier with my new career than I ever thought I could be at work.

    One of you needs to be open to that experience (the practical side of me says it should be whoever is more established and/or makes more money who stays) and the other must be willing to support their partner as they switch careers, possibly get expensive additional education/certifications, and temporarily earn less/maybe even no money (with unpaid internships) in the new field.

    If you can work all of that out (at your own pace; make sure he’s worth the effort first), you will be just fine. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    10546 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Fiance and I started long distance. We met at a show he was in town for, then spent 6 months getting to know one another. At the 6 month mark we decided to try dating LD and that worked out well for 6 months until he moved in with me. His moving in was spontaneous and unplanned. He literally called me one night and said “I lost my job, my car is packed. Do you want me to come or stay?” I told him to come and that was that.

    Sometimes there is no plan, sometimes life happens and things just work out. That was very much the case for us. We originally planned to move in together when his lease was up. It ended up that when he moved his cousin (who lived on his and his roommates couch for free) took over his half of the lease so it all worked out. 

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