NWR: Was I in the wrong?

posted 2 weeks ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

From your post it sounds like both of your intentions were pure but the issue is that you only got one side of the story which was Tammy’s. Not saying Tammy would intentionally lie but sometimes people do over-exaggerate. Personally, I would have wanted to get Jenna’s side of the story. I probably would have called her just to check up on her and not mention anything that Tammy said. If you sense something is off or if she told you something that alludes to Tammy’s story being accurate then that would be a perfect time to step in.

Your text put Jenna on defense mode and I cannot say I blame her. You completely took one person’s side of it and ran with it. I would reach out to Jenna and apologize. Hopefully both of you can hear each other out.

Post # 4
Member
9505 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I feel like you could have asked her how things were going without bringing up the alcohol, especially if she’s been more distant.

I’d be annoyed if my roommate was basically tattling on me too.

Post # 5
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Your heart was in the right place, but it sounds like Jenna is touchy about her independence and needs to work things out on her own unless she explicitly asks for help. Give her some space and when you text her again, start with something superficial so she can warm up to you again. Also, I would tell Tammy you’re not comfortable texting her about Jenna anymore since Jenna told you how much it bothered her.

Post # 7
Hostess
8729 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Your heart was in the right place, but maybe you could have had a conversation with her to see how she is doing and allow her an outlet – before you mentioned the booze and the fact Tammy had mentioned it. If she is going through something at the moment I could see why she might feel like you and Tammy were gossiping behind her back.

 

Had you just checked in with her she might have just opened up and admitted her drinking etc, but not she is on the defensive. 

I would feel so embarrassed if one friend came to me and said another person had mentioned my drinking to them! 

Post # 9
Member
6833 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think if you had’ve left this out everything would have gone smoother. It now looks like you two gossip about her, are watching and judging how much she drinks (making her more likely to hide it) and I would also feel pretty uncomfortable in that situation. Why didn’t you just text her to see how things are going? I mean, I get the “lets not dance around the bush” thing, but going straight on the attack and expecting someone to feel comforted and open up to you is a bit off. 

Tammy mentioned that she has noticed you going through a bottle of vodka a week. I assume there is someting going on

Post # 10
Hostess
8729 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

ohsomrsr15 :  Ok, well maybe you could have tried again with a “are you really ok?” text before mentioning the booze. 

Post # 12
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

I think you have good intentions but could have worded it better. 

“Hey Jenna, how are you? When are you free for a coffee date” and then just talking and listening in person would have been better. 

Jenna is an adult. She can drink a bottle of vodka a week if she wants and its overbearing for you guys to be babysitting her around this. Unless she is an alcoholic, driving drunk, losing her job, etc… she can life her life how she wants. Sometimes I drink a lot of wine… doesnt mean anything other than I was home and felt like drinking wine.

You mishandled this and probably lost her trust. She seems like a private person (which is also ok!) so you may not be able to get her to open back up. I wouldnt. 

Post # 15
Member
6833 posts
Busy Beekeeper

So if you reached out prior and she didn’t want to share, why do you think going on the offence would make her more likely? I’m genuinely confused as to why someone would think that would make someone open up rather than shut down further.

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