NWR: Was I in the wrong?

posted 2 weeks ago in The Lounge
Post # 17
Member
5720 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree with others, although you had good intentions mentioning Tammy had told you how much alcohol she had been drinking just comes across like you two have been gossiping about Jenna behind her back and it doesn’t necessarily come off as genuine. 

Post # 18
Member
8450 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ohsomrsr15 :  

Well l guess you feel chastened enough already OP so l won’t add anything, except to say maybe just keep up the friendly texts in which you say/ ask nothing indicating worry about lifestyle etc. 

That way she will know you are there, but not feel like the one everyone thinks of as broken . 

Post # 19
Member
468 posts
Helper bee

Hmm… I don’t think you were in the “wrong” or anything. I’ll be honest, and it sounds like your friend Jenna is an alcoholic and using the defense to blame you and continue drinking. And yes, that’s how alcoholics cope to stress/problems is by drinking and blaming others. A close family member of mine is an alcoholic, and the problems are always bc of someone else. They don’t take responsibility for their issues. All you can do is offer help and if they don’t want it, that’s all you can do. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope your friend is okay. Alcoholics are very toxic/dysfunctional and it’ll seep into your life. Maybe go to an Al-Alon meeting or CoDa. 

Post # 20
Member
4211 posts
Honey bee

smashleykat :  Precisely. OP your friend has one big problem and perhaps others. She’s an alcoholic and shouldn’t be drinking at all.  You can’t make an addict want to change, they must want that themselves. I’ll be honest and say that while I have all kinds of respect for an alcoholic in recovery (my stepsister is one) I don’t have any interest in living with or associating myself with an active alcoholic. Big difference between the two, night and day. The person in recovery is someone I’d like to be friends with; the other I couldn’t get far enough away.

Post # 21
Member
468 posts
Helper bee

sunburn :  this exactly. Mine is a very close family member. It’s very toxic being around this person but yet, I feel obligated to. I’m happy yours is in active recovery. I have so much respect for someone who is able to recognize their addiction and take action. They says, it’s the caregiver is sicker than the alcoholic and I think that’s so true. 

Post # 22
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee

mg8301 :  i totally agree. If I were Jenna I’d be pissed off that my roommate has nothing better to do than try to babysit me.

Jenna is an adult and can drink if and when she wants. Fact of the matter is you actually do not know if she actually drank anything. Tammy could be mistaken or lying. Maybe Jenna had friends over and they drank together. Maybe Jenna poured herself a drink and sipped it over the course of an evening to unwind and did this a few times that week (could have been a stressful week). Maybe she dumped the bottle in an effort to NOT drink. You have no clue what the truth is, so while you may have had good intentions, you overstepped here and unfortunately she’s not going to easily trust you again bc you brought Tammy into it.

Post # 23
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

sunburn :  How is this helpful to OP? What does it matter how you feel about alcoholics (since you’re so “sure” this that girl is an alcoholic based on complete hearsay)? Perhaps you don’t want to reach out to people who have problems, but that doesn’t mean OP isn’t interested in being a friend to another human being who’s suffering. 

Post # 24
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

OP, I have to assume that your friend is an adult, so she’s going to make her own decisions and has that right. You’ve reached out twice now and she’s shut you down; that means you have to let it go. She knows you’re there, so she’ll contact you if she feels the need. If you get wind of any further harmful behavior, you can consider if she needs immediate help because she’s a danger to herself or something. 

Post # 26
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - London, UK

OP you were right to bring up the issue as it is. It’s high risk that she wouldn’t have opened up anyway if you just said something more general. It sounds like she has a substance abuse problem and because addicts generally don’t like to discuss their addictive behaviours it is often necessary to be straight with them even if they first push you away as a result. You can only try your best to support her, which you have. Ultimately it’s up to her to choose to accept the help of friends or not. You made the right call.

 

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