NWR: What's your relationship like with your mom?

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My mom and I are close, but more so in that ‘ friend you can call no matter how long it’s been, and it seems like no time has passed’ type of way. 

My mom made her expectations clear that her kids were to pack up and move away, forge a life of our own. If we wanted to move back to our hometown, that was okay, but only after we’d lived other places. 

She was very insistent that we be able to fend for ourselves (she’d had a shitty marriage, and made clear we weren’t to depend on anyone). I’m very grateful for the way she raised me, but I realize she made me stronger than her and that has caused some gaps in our relationship. Things like some of our family members are dead to me, but she still talks to them. I can see she has a couple of places in her life where she can’t break free from her generational norms (you’ll always have family). 

My step mom (married to my dad) and I are just as close. She came into my life as a child and she’s a firecracker. Honestly, she’s the reason I have a relationship with my dad. She helped him to stop being a dumbass 😉 

We don’t talk regularly either, but when we do, we pick up right where we left off.

Post # 17
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2021

I’ve got a complicated relationship to my mother.

We speak a lot over the phone (on my walks home from work. Keeps me company and allows me to speak some Swedish) but moving to a different country from my mother is probably the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. 

She’s always been great at killing my confidence and making me feel guilty/insecure and I lived all my life trying to not start any fight. I did tty talking to her about it but she just played the victim and things got worse for a while. She can be toxic – but don’t think she means to… rather she doesn’t understand how negative comments and remarks can leave permanent scaring on people.

 

The last year have been good for me. I’m less anxious, more confidence and I’m just all together healthier with the distance to my mother. 

Post # 18
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

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@mrssouthernfairytale:  I am personally no contact with both my parents but my mom is the bigger source of the rift. While I did not go through physical abuse, my sister and I suffered emotional, mental, and verbal abuse our entire lives. It’s been two years of no contact and honestly my life could not be better. Her mom was such a narcissist and put us against each other constantly. If we didn’t bend to her every word and wish, she would hold immense guilt and anger over us. Always felt like we were walking on eggshells and couldn’t be ourselves. We were never skinny or pretty enough for her and she never told us she was proud when we would accomplish something. We couldn’t hold our own opinions and we were always wrong when we did have one.

 

while there are a few things my parents did correctly like teaching us respect for others and financial responsibility, I am vowing to raise our daughter differently. I struggled during pregnancy and even now that she’s born with the fear of turning into my mom or acting like her every now and again.

my husband and I are keeping each other in check. We are raising her with unconditional love. I know we will make mistakes but we will apologize for our wrongdoings. 

We want to raise her to be strong yet empathetic, independent but can be depended on, confident yet humble. We want to be her parents but also be a shoulder to cry on and a hug and kiss when things are tough. 

im a bit jealous of people that have Normal parents but I’m so grateful to have wonderful in laws that will be nothing but amazing grandparents. 

im curious to see what other bees are going through this as well!

Post # 19
Member
2771 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

 

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@kgr9:  the Amazon thing is so spot-on, LOL! My sister and I both use our mom’s Prime account, and we love to stalk her orders/browsing history, ha. It does make Christmas shopping tough though…we order for my family on MIL’s Prime account (DH and his brother share it with her), and for his family on my mom’s account. Mom and I are also huge readers who share a Kindle Unlimited account, so we have to talk about that constantly too. 

Post # 20
Hostess
4615 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@mrssouthernfairytale:  My Mom and I used to be very close, but honestly since Trump has been President, our relationship has been very strained.  She and my Dad are fully on that bandwagon, while my husband and I are very much not.  They are the type to constantly send articles bashing our values (unsolicited, and after being informed many times that it was unwanted), constantly make comments… it honestly has made us want to be around them a lot less.  It’s been pretty devastating to me as I’d always been close with them before that.  I hope eventually we can be close again, but I don’t know if that will happen. I am nearly 8 weeks pregnant, and still haven’t told her.  

Post # 21
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My mum and I get on well, and I probably call her about twice a week at the moment. Before it was more like every 1-2 weeks but I am BORED during Covid. We live on different continents so I haven’t seen her since the pandemic began. Even when I lived closer I’d probably see her every 3-6 months. 

I wouldn’t call my mum and I close, or that she’s my confident. I love her but I’m not sure we have very much in common. It’s more like that family sense of love. I feel like I can 10000% count on her for practical support. She’s always been that way – great at helping me apply to university, but I certainly could never talk to her about my personal life. My teenager years were hard on both of us, my parents were going through a bitter separation, I was very unwell in terms of my mental health and my mum just didn’t have the knoweldge, energy, time, etc. to support me in the way I needed. 

My mum and I hug awkwardly in greeting, but I honestly wouldn’t hug her if I had a choice, it feels forced and I don’t like it. My dad and I do the French (we’re French -sortof) double cheek kiss as a greeting and it feels way more natural. 

In sum – I love my mother but I wouldn’t call us close. My parents are not close with their parents/siblings either though. I just don’t think it’s something we really do as a family. I don’t expect her do be my best friend and she doesn’t expect that level of contact either which works well.  

Post # 22
Member
4110 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@mrssouthernfairytale: 

I would say my mom and I are fairly close. We get along well, though we do still bicker frequently (but that’s also just how my family is?). My siblings and I say that my mom has a “tone” issue, where she sometimes doesn’t hear how what she says sounds. It has caused arguments or hurt feelings. My mom sometimes just doesn’t know how to say what she wants and can come across as accusatory or sarcastic when she isn’t meaning to. For example, I was showing her the color we plan on painting the nursery and she said, “Oh, super cute” but it came out wildly sarcastic when she didn’t intend to. 

My mom is also prone to being passive-aggressive and because of this, I have always been the exact opposite. Growing up, I watched my mom be super passive-aggressive in arguments with my dad and swore I’d never be like that. DH never has to ask what’s bothering me – I LET IT BE KNOWN IMMEDIATELY IN THE LOUDEST WAY POSSIBLE. 

I will say that there has always been a very clear boundary where my mom is my MOM and my friends are my FRIENDS. Even now that I am an adult, there are just certain things I would never dream of sharing with my mom. I have friends who consider their moms their “best friends” and tell them intimate details about their sex lives, who they are dating, etc. and I have always just been like yeah, nah. Not for me. I like having my mom as my mom and my friends as my friends. 

My mom was the one who made that boundary clear from the time we were kids. She is much more conservative than I am. Not politically (thankfully we are both raging liberals), but in that she is a prude about sex and I am not. She is a “pearl clutcher” when it comes to language or sex or anything like that. Which is hilarious because all of her children are so open and free and curse and she is always looking at us like 0_o 

That’s not to say that I don’t share things with her or invite her into my private life. I go to her for advice and to get her opinion on things. I value what she has to say, even if I know what she will say is going to tick me off. She and my dad have been so good to DH and I over the ten years of our relationship. 

My mom is the type of mom that is there for you without question. Though I didn’t go to her with a pregnancy scare, I would go to her with other concerns and worries. She may have gotten mad or upset, but there has never been a day in my life that I doubted she had my back. She (and my dad) have been there for me and my siblings for everything we needed. Having that sort of comfort in life is a privelege. There is nothing I could do or say to my mom where she holds a grudge or it negatively impacts our relationship. She is the definition of unconditional love. 

Now that I am pregnant with a daughter, I will say that I plan on being less conservative with my daughter than my mom was. I also want to make sure she knows that I am her mom, but I want her to come to me with questions and concerns she has about everything. I want to provide her the same sort of unconditional love that I was given. 

Post # 23
Member
5053 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@mrssouthernfairytale:  I have a close relationship with my mum but it’s still a mother-daughter relationship as in that I don’t tell her certain things that maybe I would a best friend or sibling. My mum as I was growing up, always told us her duty was to be our mother and not our best friend and that has carried through to adulthood. She’s a great mum and even now she will tell you the hard truths if you need to hear them. Even as an adult, if I buy an outfit out of my comfort zone or one I’m unsure of due to fit and flattering level, I go to her house and try it on and get her opinion. She always honest and I appreciate it. I speak to my mum every second day and pop in at minimum a few times a week to see the parents. 

I’d fairly much model my mum’s style if I have kids. Once they are established adults, I’d hope to be close and more friend like with them. My parents are quite traditional so there are certain topics I’d never discuss with them but being different by way of traditional beliefs to my parents, I’d hope my kids would feel more comfortable broaching different topics with me as adults and children. 

 

Post # 24
Member
5053 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@MrsMeowton:  lol… You wrote exactly what I wanted to say but couldn’t convey as the words eluded me. It sounds like we both have similar mothers and want to be similar mothers! 😊

Post # 25
Member
7258 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

My mother and I are extremely close. She had a really hard time growing up with my grandmother and was initially really upset when she found out I was a girl. She was afraid she would repeat the same patterns and behaviors so she consciously and deliberately decided not to. Amd she really worked at it. One of the things my grandmother is terrible about is respecting others’ choices and autonomy so my mother gave me quite a lot of freedom to explore and make my own choices in life.

She lives with us and I jokingly say she and I are the new Grey Gardens but with more melanin, style and cleanliness. We’ve traveled together a lot over the years, just the two of us. Now she has a boyfriend and she’s with him part of the week and with us for the rest of the week.

One of the things I love and appreciate about my husband is that his family is similar to mine in that I know that if anything happened to me, he would be looking out for my mother (not that he would have to, but that he would). She knows she always has a home with me, wherever we are and he’s on board with that.

I have a co-worker whose mother is (according to her) extremely narcissistic and every time I see her, she asks me “Are you and your mom still doing well living together?!” Sometimes I feel like coming up with a dramatic story for her. But there’s no drama. My mother and I are two of each other’s favorite people. We hang out and talk and look out for each other and we also have our own lives and friendships with other great people. It’s a very blessed and fortunate foundation to launch someone out into the world and I’m glad she’s my mother.

Post # 26
Member
3724 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I had quite a fractured relationship with my mom. She was severely mentally ill and it was a struggle engaging with her. I am thankful for all that she did when I was growing up (she was a single mom). However, there were many times that she could not take care of me and that fell to my grandparents.

She could be extremely abusive and mean and I got where I had to cut her partially out of my life for my own mental health. I would engage with her for awhile and then she would go on one of her long tirades about how evil I am. She died this year which is hard in some ways but in other ways I am glad that she is now at peace. 

Post # 29
Member
6292 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

My mom and I are closer now than when I was in high school, but I wouldn’t call her my best friend. She’s always taught me hard work and independence. She wasn’t perfect growing up – her and my dad didn’t have a great relationship, and she would make that obvious. She also judged me a lot, almost like she was jealous? But I moved out and moved on, and she became more supportive. She became the parent that is there for whenever I need her without being overbearing.  I moved across the country as soon as I graduated high school. I traveled and moved around for 4 years before I met my husband and stepson. We still live across the country from one another and she is our most involved grandparent for our children.  I’m so grateful for her.

With my children, I hope to emulate the hard working and independent woman she was for me growing up. I know part of that came at the expense of my parents’ failed marriage, but I hope I can show my daughters those traits while being in a healthy, loving relationship. How close they want to be with me is completely up to them. I never want to push myself on them, but I always want them to know how loved they are and respect their boundaries like my mom does for me today.

Post # 30
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

Couldn’t manage without her, she’s my whole world!

I’d be totally lost without her

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