(Closed) NWR: Would you ever spank your kid?

posted 10 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Is spanking ever ok?

    Yes, under any circumstance.

    Yes, under EXTREME circumstances (what do you consider "extreme"?)

    Never

    Other, please explain

  • Post # 47
    Member
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee

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    @Winter12:  Spanking with the hand I might be able to understand. But why spank with a belt, whip, crop, hairbrush, etc?

    Post # 48
    Member
    875 posts
    Busy bee

    Spanking is not abuse.  Yes it is using a physical discipline, but so does time out.  A quick swat is not abuse.  Children who are raised knowing that there are good and bad things that they can do, but the bad choices have a physically negative consequence learn rather quickly that they should not do those things.  From what I observe, the paddling does not have to occur frequently for it to be effective, but it has to be something that the children know can happen.  If your child makes a habit of running into the street, and you choose to discipline this by giving them time out in the living room, they are not associating the time out with running, but if your kid runs into the street, and you grab them by the arm and give them a swat, your kid is going to remember that Mommy does not want you to run into the street. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    505 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    We are planning on spanking if necessary.  Both of us were spanked…but I only remember a few times and I deserved to be spank.  I remember being about 5 and just picking up the phone and pushing random numbers and calling LONG DISTANCE (this was before the phone plans they have today) so the bill was way over $200 YIKES! I learned after that spanking never to touch the phone again unless it was an emergency.  
    I am not going to spank over something silly.  I am planning on using what I call “the look”.  If I got “the look” from my mom, I know that I better knock off whatever I am doing and go busy myself away from her!

    Post # 50
    Member
    2194 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

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    @Winter12: I don’t see how what your stepdad has taken people to jail for has any bearing on what the actual right way to discipline children is.

    How do you hit a kid ‘just enough’ so that they aren’t, as you say, SERIOUSLY emotionally damaged?  I’m sure my father’s intent wasn’t to seriously emotionally damage me, or to strain our relationship, but it happened nonetheless.  Congrats, you never hated your parents for hitting you.  Who says your kids won’t hate you when you hit them?  Plenty of people have commented in these two threads to the effect that their parents’ use of corporal punishment made them hate their parents, or at least put a strain on their relationship.  This seems ridiculously subjective.  There’s no way to predict what’s going to affect your kid (physically, emotionally, or both) to the degree which you find unacceptable, and it is entirely too easy to lash out on your kid (or anyone) in anger and get carried away, perhaps hitting them harder or longer than you originally intended (that’s how anger works…it’s when you don’t have control over your emotions!), so why use this form of punishment to begin with?

    In the end, I just don’t understand, like starcharades, why a parent would use pain to discipline their child–to teach them that inflicting pain is an appropriate way to deal with your frustration–when there are countless other highly effective ways to teach children the right ways to act.

    Post # 51
    Member
    1480 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

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    @Winter12: If you knew anything about the law, you would know how arbitrary it can be. First of all, child abuse laws differ by jurisdiction as beekiss2 pointed out. And second, the law is not some fixed moral authority. Laws are amended and scrapped all the time. I’m sure the places where spanking now constitutes child abuse used to allow spanking. What will you do if the laws change where you live? Will you change your mind as well?

     

    Post # 52
    Member
    3613 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    OK, maybe a swat on the butt I can understand, if done very very infrequently. My husband explained to me that spanking is laying a child on the knee and hitting them repeatedly. This is what he’s gotten as a kid and what he plans to use on his own kid. I just cannot justify it at all. I’ve never seen anything like this in my culture, or at least in my family.

    My mom slapped me a total of four times when I was a kid and I remember each and every one of them. I was a very good kid, I didn’t think any of them were justified and I felt extremely humiliated. I guess maybe had I done something truly wrong it would’ve taught me not to do it because it made me feel like shit psychologically (the physical pain was insignificant). However at least she never did anything of the kind I described above. I probably would’ve felt like an abused animal and hated her for it.

    Post # 53
    Member
    289 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    Things may parents did that I hope I don’t:

    • Use a belt, switch, etc. Especially make the kid go get said instrument.
    • Slap on the face.
    • Put the kids in fear.
    • Let my anger get the best of me. (when punishment gets blurred into stress relief, retribution, etc.)

    But, when my children are small, I will likely swat their hand or butt when they misbehave, especially when they are getting into something dangerous. I think its instinctual and I once swatted the hand of a toddler I babysat since birth and was absolutely heartbroken.

    I think there are much better ways to discipline and teach. It’s a fine line.

    Post # 54
    Member
    196 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I guess it’s just where I’m from, and how I was brought up. I got spanked. I know there was a kid in my class who was abused, and I see a clear difference in punishment and just flat out abuse.

    And it’s not like we got out butt’s torn up, bruised and bloody. We got popped two or three times, sent to our rooms, and whoever spanked us came in and told us what we did wrong. Like I said, I never got spanked very much, because I knew it was wrong. I might have been spanked… 10 times total in my life, and the last time I got spanked I was 8 or 9.

    I know in a lot of countries it’s illegal, but I’ve never seen putting a kid in time out work. And I’ve babysat a lot of kids in my life. My godson has never been spanked in his life, and he thinks he can do whatever he wants, because he’ll have to go sit in his room for 10 minutes. Ooh. If you tell him not to do something, he laughs, and continues doing it. He goes through drawers, pulls stuff out, leaves it on the floor, takes things…

    Well, one day, he decided he wanted to open my mom’s china cabinet, and he broke one of her dishes. My stepdad spanked him, and he never went snooping around our house again.But, after he got his spanking, he had a sit down chat with my stepdad about why it was wrong of him to do that, and he understood.

    I think in that situation it was appropriate for him to get popped. And he’s not afraid of my stepdad for it.

    I don’t think that a spanking should be the go to method, but I think some behavior warrants it. Of course, I got spanked because I was a bad kid. I liked to steal things from stores, cut up curtains, draw on walls in permanent markers, breaking my dad’s antique pipe etc. But after one spanking, I never repeated my actions.

    I know it’s different for everyone, and everyone has their limits. And my parents never spanked us if they were REALLY angry.

    Post # 55
    Member
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee

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    @Ms Sassy:  I’ll probably end up using “The Look.”  My fiance says I already have one…lol?

    Post # 56
    Member
    3613 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Off topic, could one of the PP’s who said they use “timeout” for your cats explain to me how you do it???

    Post # 57
    Member
    601 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010 - Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception

    One of my professors in my grad program said something really interesting this year. She said the research on spanking/corporal punishment demonstrates that most parents spank at one point or another, but its effectiveness as a disciplinary measure is determined by intent. Basically, spanking works if parents believe that it works, and are consciously using it as a purposeful disciplinary approach. On the other hand, if a parent just totally loses it or doesn’t know what else to do and, in a moment of really high emotion, spanks a child when they normally don’t believe in it as a disciplinary philosophy, it is not as effective in curbing the child’s behavior.

    Post # 58
    Member
    1937 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I think one of the challenging is defining what a “spank” is.  I always associated “spanking” with one swat on the behind and a discussion about why that behavior was seriously harmful to myself or others.  I was never spanked with anything other than an open hand and I really remember feeling more upset about the discussion/ disappointment of my parents than the “pain” of the spank.  It may have stung for a minute, but it never left a mark. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee

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    @retsud:  Yeah, I have a similar list.  I remember having to get the instrument, sometimes even for a sibling’s punishment, I have so much guilt for that.

    Post # 60
    Member
    1480 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

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    @veganglam: Exactly! My mom certainly didn’t think she was causing me any lasting emotional harm. To this day she has no idea! If you ask her, it was nothing! But my sister and I both suffered lasting damage.

    Post # 61
    Member
    9050 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I voted “other”.  I’m not really sure what would constitute an EXTREME situation, and I don’t hold it against people that do it.  Perhaps I’m one of those know it alls with no kids, but from my current perspective I would think I wouldn’t spank. 

    I just think I’d try a lot of things before it got to that point.  I believe that the only thing corporal punishment teaches children is that when you’re bigger than someone you can exert yourself physically on them, which isn’t something I want my children to learn.

    I was only spanked once as a child, and I think I turned out pretty good.

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