(Closed) NWR: Younger Brother Won't Go To School

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6107 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

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coachhw:  is he depressed? I’m not diagnosing at all, but it sounds like something other than typical “I’m a teenager and don’t want to go to school” behavior is going on with him.

Post # 3
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

Well I don’t know how to get your brother to school on time or if there is some underlying issue or it is just him being a pain in the ass teenager, but if I was your parents the video games and guitar and phone and anything else that was fun would be gone until he started getting his ass to school on time.

Post # 4
Member
9485 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

when my brother was in high school (and I was in college), my brother refused to go to school.  i think he missed like 80 days in a row.  my mom called the police because she couldn’t get him there and didn’t want to get in trouble.  the police said, she only needs to provide a roof over his head at night, she doesn’t need to provide him with a roof over his head during the day, because he has school to go to.  she took his key and locked him out of the house when she was at work. when she was ready to go to work, whatever state my brother was in, out he went.  if he was still in pjs, he’d be outside all day in his pjs. 

the whole thing was crazy, because he failed 3 quarters.  then the school provided him a tutor for the last quater, which he met at the library once a week.  she gave him all A’s.  1 A averaged with 3 F’s equals a D so according to the school, my brother passed that year.  My brother learned nothing…

we were living in an apartment that year (after my parents’ divorce), so when we finally moved to a new house, in another high school zone, my mom fought to school and was able to get him to repeat that grade.

 

Post # 7
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5152 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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coachhw:  What is his behavior like when he finally gets to school? Does he do his work/participate in class? Do the teachers call home about his behavior? My first thought was there is something he is trying to avoid in the mornings. 

Post # 8
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9485 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

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coachhw:  my brother was born with a disability.  but this was a direct result of my parents’ divorce and us moving to an apartment.  my brother had a very hard time coping with all the changes.  it was a really tough few years for my mom. 

i would not call this typical teenage behavior.  but your parents should give your brother consequences for his actions, like taking away all this “fun” stuff in his room, games, phone, tv. they should also talk to a school counselor or his doctor to look for resources for an evalation to see if they can get to the bottom of the issue.

that does remind me, the details are a little blurry because i was living at college during this time.  but on days when my mom couldn’t get my brother out of the house, she took the power cords for the computer and tvs so my brother wouldn’t have entertainment.  this was a little over 10 years ago, so there were no smart phones to worry about.

 

Post # 10
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

My FH told me that he was an awfully difficult young adult, and he’d act out in ways I might say are similar to this. He said in hindsight, he wanted guidance and boundaries. He wanted someone to be the adult. His mom let him get away with a lot and he was ultimately seeking structure to work within.

I know there are many reasons kids try to skip out on school, but most often I hear that they didn’t feel challenged (in a good way), and didn’t think it was worth the time. But he could also be having difficulties socially, or with a teacher. This seems like something that needs to be dug deeper into.

Post # 11
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

I was a little bit like this in high school to be honest.. I think I heard the pledge of allegiance at the beginning of 1st period less than 10 times my junior year because I was always late or would just not go in until later in the day. 

I wasn’t depressed or a sociopath, I am just not a morning person and I knew my mom would let me get away with it because I was still in honors classes and pulling good grades. 

Post # 12
Member
1776 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

What’s his first class of the day? It seems like he’s trying as hard as possible to miss that one. Issues could be the teacher, that subject, the kids in that class, who knows! I’m hoping for an easy fix, but not sure if it’s realistic. Good luck!!

Post # 13
Member
6036 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

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coachhw:  I would literally walk him through everything instead of allowing him to take 20 minutes to tie his shoes. I would be physically putting his stuff on and he would be going to school without the homework assignment as he should have had that all done the night before. Standing there and giving him the freedom he has to take forever is part of the problem. He would be losing all of his “fun” too. No video games, no guitar, hell I would even limit the clothes and toiletries he has access to. My mom actually did this to us growing up. I even went withotu a door on my room for a period of time. It sounds to me like your brother knows how much he can get away with with your parents and he milks it. Time for some tough love and some intervention by some doctors to find out if there’s more at work than just kid who’s figured out how to manipulate his parents. 

Post # 14
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

The abundance of weird stalling tactics really makes it seem like something is going on in the mornings that he’s particularly trying to avoid. Do you know what specific class(es) he’s missing when he’s that late?

Otherwise, seems like you’re on the right track with considering anxiety/depression and/or the possibility of some situational pressure that he’s feeling isolated about. 

Post # 15
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

Find out what his first/second period classes are like. I was a straight A honor student my entire life, but I started acting out my senior year. Due to an extracurricular requirement I had to take a Level I class that year. Well, that meant I was spending first period as a “grown-up” in a room full of freshman, my teacher was a burn-out who didn’t bother to teach the subject, and I had really bad anxiety about walking into the room because I wasn’t very social or popular (read: definitely was bullied). I’d drive to school, park, freak out….and then go get breakfast. No one knew because I was attending college part of the day, which gave me a free in-out pass for the door monitors. I got caught when they went to give me a perfect attendance certificate, (right?) and the teacher noticed it had been on her desk for two weeks. *eye roll*

The problem for me was threefold: a bad teacher = not challenged in class; bullying from the students; plus, an existing severe anxiety problem.

Just be understanding and know that when he says nothing is wrong and he’s not being bullied, he could very well not be telling the truth because he’s embarrassed and mad at himself for getting picked on. If he’s very smart, I’d say the most likely culprit for his behavior is that he’s being picked on and isn’t being challenged, so he feels like, “Why go to school where no one likes me if I know everything anyway?” Everyone reacts to stressful things differently, so laughing isn’t necessarily a sign he’s crazy – just that he’s coping that way. Is he generally happy in the evenings when you’re there? 

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