Post # 1
I’ve been debating joining Weddingbee since I started planning my wedding a year ago. This article in the New York Times convinced me to delurk.
It is worth the read. Essentially it is about a woman weathering her husband’s announcement that he never loved her, her refusal to accept it as an answer, and how they made it to the other side. On one hand, it is inspiring. I hope I can have that sort of compassion and patience in my own marriage. And on the other, the whole thing is vaguely upsetting. It seems like there is a subtext of an affair, which really alters the story for me. It sparked a nice conversation with my husband, though. The comments are as interesting as the article, if you have time on your hands.
What is your take on the article? Would you have left him? Is she brave or delusional?
Post # 3
Wow. Thanks for sharing this! Personally, I think she is incredibly brave – and self-confident. I can’t imagine hearing those words and responding as she did. But I would hope I would respond like she did. You are right – it is inspiring. She stayed by him, truly through for better or for worse!
Post # 4
Very interesting. I’m glad it worked for them. She definitely had a very zen-like attitude toward the whole situation. It’s hard to know what you would do in the same circumstance because we don’t really know what the true circumstances are. I suppose part of the point is that we don’t need to know… but how hard is that?
Anyway, welcome to the hive and thanks for sharing!
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club
I was going to post about this myself! It’s interesting.
I think first & foremost the wife applied principles that you would use whether or not the marriage stayed together or not. Mostly, she realized that his cruelty wasn’t about her, wasn’t anything for her to take personally, and she called him on it.
Now of course, the man could have left anyway, but either way, this is what she should have done. I think she is to be commended for remembering this in the face of his awful pronouncement.
Post # 6
Wow! Good article. I think she’s brave for her situation. I realize every relationship is different and this is what worked for her relationship. I’m not sure I could handle it the way she did.
Post # 7
I think what she did was very interesting. I’m not sure I know another word for it. I don’t think I could or would do it though. No matter what pain he was going through, to me, what he put her through is a deal breaker. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who could disrespect me and would cut and run so easily. I also don’t think I could forget all that he said if we did stay together. Good for them though. It takes courage to do it and to write about it.
Post # 8
@doctorgirl Yes, I think you have to take the story at face value and maybe it is unfair to make assumptions. Thanks for the welcome! I don’t know what took me so long.
@KateMW I am in the dealbreaker category. We all say things we don’t mean in anger. but six months of it? No way. But we are at the very beginning of our marriage and I know we won’t be madly in love every second. She obvioulsy takes her wedding vows seriously.
Post # 9
I think the writer was very smart. I have done very similar things in the past in family situations. I could absolutely forgive my spouse if she went through something similar.
But if she wrote about it in the New York Times, I would move out the next day!!! It’s different with this writer though, because he encouraged her to write about it. I am just really private…
Post # 10
WOW – thanks for the article! I found it really interesting!
I agree with parts and disagree with others!
I agree with the fact that divorce is the easy road to take and it is often taken too often and you should work for your relationship and I agree that when people are unhappy with parts of their life they project onto their whole life and think that everything has to change in order to be happy and I agree that this is NOT the right way to do with it!
However, I do not agree with the way she dealt with it! I definitely would not have been that strong! In order for me to go through a partial separation I would have needed rules about what he was doing during those hours away from home and I see where you are coming from with the thoughts of an affair. Too me it is the one unforgivable thing in a relationship.
I commend her for her strength and her self-confidence and I am glad that it worked out for them!
Post # 11
My whole issue with what she did and how he handled it is that he basically was given permission to beat up on her for 6 months. I’m all for not giving up easily and I do think divorce is used too much, but wow, I would just not be OK with that.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club
You have to really *know* your spouse in this case. I’m going on the assumption that he was an absolutely loving husband & father and that she knew him to be a generally good person, in which case the meanness would have been out of character, as opposed to a continuous, abusive pattern. If my FH came home acting like that, I wouldn’t assume it was me. I’d say “Hey! What’s wrong with YOU?”
As awful as he was, it would have been worse if he were completely indifferent during and then just quietly slipped out of the family, out of the marriage. I think what he was really railing against wasn’t her, but against his own midlife crisis and the fact that she wouldn’t let him take it out on her, that she wouldn’t take it personally.
Post # 13
Wow. I’m really shocked by this woman’s strength. I would have probably completely downward-spiraled, to be honest. I would not be able to deal with that blow to my self esteem. Maybe that’s because I’m younger, and my husband and I have not been together and been through what the writer and her husband have done in their relationship.
On the other hand, the whole set-up does make me angry. Would her husband have done that? If she needed a break from her family, would the husband have been able to entertain the kids and keep going strong even while his wife was out doing whatever she wanted? I love my husband, but I don’t know if he would – he would probably be too mad and want to go out and have fun, too. Or, maybe I’m just projecting what I would want to do onto my husband.
Crazy article! Thanks for sharing, it was interesting to read.
Post # 14
I don’t like the suggestion that he just needed a break. I absolutely believe that he could be unhappy, unhappy with his wife and life, and that it has nothing to do with her. I’d be intrested to find out more about why he came back. Even if he’s unhappy, he still has responsibilites.
Post # 15
Wow, that’s a really interesting read. I don’t know what I’d do in her situation, but I have to be honest–I don’t think I’d be able to tolerate six months of that. Knowing my personality, I certainly wouldn’t have been as “zen” about the whole thing. I guess I’m glad they found something that worked for them.
Post # 16
I too think that divorce without attempting to reconcile is taking the easy out, but I would not want to stay married to someone that treated me like scum for 6 months and then just accept him back like nothing happened. Did her husband really come back, or did he realize she is willing to be his doormat should he do this again? It doesn’t matter if he really didn’t love her anymore or not because he didn’t treat her with respect. And that lack of respect would have made all the difference in the world to me. There are times in conflict when we treat our loved ones with less respect than they deserve, but I image you would have to TRY very hard to be so hurtful for months on end.
If that worked for them, good. But I would not have done things that way. She doesn’t want to hurt her family, but what does that teach her children that see Dad treat Mom with such malice and then Mom just takes it? I would want my children to know its not okay to treat someone like that or be treated that way.