(Closed) Obsessed with his ex!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’re allowing her to get into your head (and therefore allowing her control in your relationship).  This is going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you don’t stop!  Please don’t sabotage your own relationship over your fears of her being the one to sabotage.  Force yourself to stop checking her accounts and focus on building a healthy, strong relationship with your SO.

Post # 4
Member
1716 posts
Bumble bee

Well, let’s go with the compulsion idea.

Anything you do compulisvely gives you some kind of benefit chemically in your brain. It ups endorphins or maybe lowers adrenaline, or ups it. 

So you need to replace that compulsion with something else. Something that is actually beneficial to you. How about instead of looking at her profiles or whatever how many times a day, when you want to do that, say text the Fiance how much you love him. Or text a girlfriend and tell her she looks pretty today or some such.

Replace the bad compulsion with a good one.

 

Post # 5
Member
8461 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

*HUGS*  Just remember your Fiance loves and wants to marry you.  He was with her for seven years and never asked her to marry him.  Stop doubting yourself and worrying about the “what if” situations.  When you worry about the things that you don’t have, you squander the things that you do have.

Post # 6
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yeah, she sounds nuts, but the person letting her in to your relationship right now is YOU. Your FH is over her, in love with you, and wants to spend his life with you. Yeah, her actions are annoying, but you are the one giving her access to your happiness through your obsession. You have to stop looking at her stuff. If you can’t stop yourself from checking her online profiles, stay off the computer unless your screen is facing where somebody can see it. Come up with something to divert your thoughts if she pops up in your head. You’ve essentially developed a habit here, and you’ll have to make new ones to break them.

As for her crap, every time she contacts you or your FH, just shut her down without giving in to her drama.

Basically, she is not a part of your life… act that way until you feel that way again.

This isn’t at all healthy or good for you, as you know, but I think you are hardly alone.

Post # 7
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It sounds like she is obsessed with you as well. She may even be stalking your accounts too. It will go away eventually as you both move on with your lives.

Post # 8
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

…May I ask how you found out her passwords?

Post # 9
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@HelleCat:  good tips. 

@anonadvice:  Your constant comparison of yourself to your FI’s ex is doing nothing but bad things. #1, it’s making you feel insecure. It doesn’t matter what she looks like, because there’s always going to be something with a flatter tummy, or better hair, or nicer boobs. The fact of the matter is, your Fiance chose YOU. Not her. Her shorcomings in a relationship were clearly not overshadowed by her physical appearance. 

#2, you’re letting this ex potentially ruin your relationship. Checking her accounts, keeping up on her activity, etc. will do nothing for your relationship except harm it. How would you feel if this compulsive behavior cost you your marriage? Exactly. So don’t let it. 

Stop checking up on her. Don’t you dare log into her account on that major website. Instead, focus on yourself and your Fiance. 

Post # 10
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

How in the world do you figure out someone’s PW?  Now that’s a lil creepy.

Everything else, I understand.  I think it’ll settle down once you get married.  I’d wanna know more about her too, but if I felt like it was making me crazy, I’d stop. 

He chose you and he must’ve known she was crazy since he never put a ring on her!

Post # 11
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@anonadvice:  I think part of it is your own insecurity and part is morbid curiosity. I think we’ve all had to deal with some form of morbid curiosity in our lives.. it is a pretty normal thing, but I think it’s good that you’ve recognized that this situation is a problem.

How would you feel if your Fiance found out you were doing all this? Do you think he’d think less of you?

I think you need to start telling yourself that he’s with YOU.. not her. You said it yourself – they were together for 7 long years and he wouldn’t marry her. That says a lot. How are you afraid you won’t measure up to her? In the looks department? There will always be someone taller, slimmer, more beautiful out there. Just because he used to be with her doesn’t mean it has anything to do with you. Again, he is choosing you.

I suggest you set yourself little goals… like go a whole day without checking her accounts. And then you can go two days, and so on. I think the only thing you’re accomplishing is making yourself feel worse. Again, I suggest you picture how your Fiance would react if he knew you were doing this.

I think that we all have to deal w. insecurities, but maybe the fact that you got into the relationship so quickly and are engaged so quickly is the reason why you’re this insecure. It’s all still pretty fresh. A lot has happened in the last year. I think once you stop checking up on her and focus on your relationship, and once you’ve been engaged for longer, you will truly believe that he is yours and only yours, and his ex really doesn’t matter.

As far as the part where you said he called you her name before… I truly believe it doesn’t mean anything. He was with her for 7 years… it’s a habit. My SO has called me by his ex’s name once or twice and at first it caught me by surprise, but he was married to her for like 16 years! No wonder. No reflection on our relationship… it’s just a habit.

Post # 12
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Am I the only one curious to know just how much weight she’s gained and just how “hot” she was?? LOL jk

I’m the wrong person to give advice, I think I would be doing the same as you!

But, then I would stop.  I would stop and I would block her from everything and I would tell Fiance he needs to, too.  And then I would move on.  Eventually, she will be a small part of your memory.

I agree w/ the idea of replacing this bad compulsion with a good one.  I was going to suggest going for a run every time you want to check her accounts.  Or “punish” yourself by some strenuous workout every time you find you you’re thinking about her or stalking her online. 

Post # 13
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I was in a slightly similar place once with my fiance. Luckily, I never knew too much about her (we didn’t have the big exes talk I’d had with other BFs before), had only seen a few pictures and heard a few stories about how awful she was, etc. But they’d been together for years, were going to buy a house together, etc., so what was I being compared against? She was on FB and whatnot, so I blocked her. She can’t look at me, I can’t look at her. It was better that way. I knew that if I kept looking, I’d drive myself crazy and ruin a really good thing. So I didn’t. Eventually, as the relationship grew and gained momentum and a strong foundation, she mattered less. Now she’s only a passing thought when we sometimes hang out with friends he made while he was with her (who are no longer in her life either). Phew.

Be strong!  Quit the action part (stalking, etc) cold turkey, and just tell yourself “STOP!” when you find yourself obsessing in your mind.  Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Im a nosey body. So I can understand the curiousity. however, at some point it becomes more than that and is just unhealthy.

I admit that I was fascinated with FI’s ex he dated during our time apart. I wanted to know as much about her as possible. Mostly because it was just so strange to imagine him with someone else. I wanted to know about the “other girl” that had his attention. I won’t say I ever compared myself to her because we are basically opposites in many ways. So it would be like comparing apples to oranges. But I looked up her fb, myspace (who even still has those?!) and asked a zillion questions. Fiance knew of my stalking and finally just said to me one day “I chose you. She wasn’t you. She will never be you. She was what I needed at that time in my life and for that Im thankful, most of all because as much as I cared for her as a person, it just reminded me that she wasn’t you”. That may not have worked for most, but for me it was exactly what I needed to hear. She was not me and i was what he wanted. Period.

Try and focus more on your relationship and yourself. I think some of it stems from insecurity and some stems from natural curiousity. No matter what, taking things as far as you have is not good for your mental well being and in the long run will damage your relationship in some way. I think it’s wrong that he has said how hot his ex was, that is just asking for a girl (some) to feel that much more insecure. Whether that’s how it should be or not, it is reality that we as women just do not like to hear something like that from the men we love. Some how you have to find a way to flush her completely out of your relationship and mind. You are with your guy, he loves you, and you are who he chose. tell yourself that every time you think of looking at her info. You win, let her be crazy and enjoy your love.

Post # 15
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i can understand how you feel and yes, initially it’s just curiousity but you’ve taken it a bit too far. 

just remember, he has chosen you.  don’t worry about her; what she looks like, what she’s doing or saying on fb, how much weight she’s gained.  it’s going to make you crazy.  the best thing to do is to be happy and make her crazy by being so happy. 

isn’t the best way to spite an ex is to show them how happy you are now with someone wonderful.  redirect your energy.  be that someone wonderful, confident and secure.  it will make her crazy.

Post # 16
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I was compulsive like this about my ex towards/after the end of our relationship. I had his passwords, checked his accounts, etc.

First of all- you have to stop. It’s not helping you. Send some kind of SPAM (nothing harmful, just some annoying advertisement or chain mail) from her account, so she’ll know it’s been hacked and changed the password. Ideally you’d stop on your own, but since you can’t, you need to be stopped. That’s the fastest, easiest way to do it. After that, take a break from the Internet in general. Everytime you want to check her account, go do something else. Exercise. Take a walk. Go to the movies.

Also, talk to your man about your insecurities and concerns. Have him help you to feel more secure and content in your relationship.

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