Post # 1
Okay, I know that I’m not to complain about the Best Man and it is fully my H2B’s choice. Now after he asked him and all, I calmed down a little, but recently I started worrying again.
So, here is a little background:
I’m German, my fiancé is Irish. My first impression of said Best Man was him doing a Hitler salute to my face. Not nice, but I let it pass, because it might just have been a weird attempt to be funny.
Anyways, over time several things have surfaced like: Nazi jokes to my face, jokes about domestic violence/abuse (which FH and I feel very strongly about), very homophobic tendencies.
Also, he has announced to make tons of inappropriate jokes in his speech. Basically, I’m scared the speech will absolutely offend half of our guests (not even worried about it being incredibly immature/awful).
Even FH has uttered concerns with his choice lately, but it’s too late now, since he was already asked. Are there any ways we can keep the damage at bay? I really don’t want my family flying all the way to Ireland just to be insulted to their face, because they happen to be German. Help.
Post # 2
If you really are stuck with him then nix the best man’s speech.
Post # 3
I agree that skipping the best man’s speech seems best.
Post # 5
Gonna go ahead and say that his disgusting behavior is grounds for asking him to step down from the wedding party even though you already asked him.
Post # 6
Don’t have speeches. They aren’t required. You are the same amount of married with speeches as you are without.
Also, have you asked your fiance why this guy is apparently his best friend? Because more concerning than a potential speech is that your fiance apparently condones this kind of behavior on the reg and remains in close contact with someone who has this philosophy. Because it isn’t just jokes- he may claim it is but there is always a kernel of truth when people make jokes like this. They say birds of a feather flock together and you are known by the company you keep- so why is your fiance condoning this except all of a sudden when it will be in front of your family?
Post # 7
annabananabee : Well, long story short, both FH and I don’t have many friends. We’re just both more introverts. Said Best Man is the person that has known him longest out of all the few friends he has. Also, this offensive behaviour has only started after he has been asked to be Best Man.
FH and his family are huge traditionalists. I can suggest leaving out the speeches altogether (since my dad doesn’t speak English, that one would be left out anyways), but I don’t think anyone will think it’s a great idea.
… is it acceptable for the bride to punch the best man if he’s being an idiot?
Post # 8
sweirdo : get your fiancé to ask to proof read the speech first, otherwise no speeches. That’s horribly rude and offensive behaviour….
Post # 9
fran01 : Yeah, that was the plan. Have one of the more reasonable groomsmen have a look over it. But heck, I don’t even know if that guy will be responsible enough to prepare one beforehand.
Maybe I’m just freaking out over this a little too much.
Post # 11
Well, I would highly recommend being more forceful in your disapproval of this type of language instead of just uncomfortably laughing it off as crude humor. Even if you don’t do speeches, your wedding day is longer than the 5 minutes speeches take. Do you really think he isn’t going to be making these kinds of “jokes” while mingling and socializing in front of your family and everyone else? Getting ready, cocktail hour, dinner, socializing and dancing afterwards?
Post # 12
OP, this is exactly the type of behavior that needs to stop. I agree with the PP that said you should ask him to step down. Doesn’t sound like that’s an option. By “laughing it off” and not addressing this harmful behavior, he is going to keep doing this. And, like pp said, even IF you cut the speech, he’s most likely going to say these things all night long. By allowing him to act this way, you are being complicit in this, and to me that isn’t ok.
I purposely told some family members they couldn’t come based on some of their views, and it wasn’t as outrageous as this.
Post # 13
And, I would have serious doubts about my Fiance if that was the person he chose to stand up with him out of everyone he knows, and that he doesn’t have any issues with these jokes? This is a big issue to me….I would not be laughing it off.
Post # 14
By not calling out his very offensive comments and actions, you and your Fiance are silently condoning them. You both need to open your mouths and say something. A simple “That is not funny” or “That is offensive” will do. Don’t get into an argument about it – just repeat your statement. If he persists, cut ties.
I have to ask how desperate you are for friends that you and your Fiance would continue associating with this a-hole.
It is NOT too late to take him out of the wedding.
Post # 15
I hear a lot of excuses as to why this person has been and will continue to be allowed to act this way. I wouldn’t trust that he won’t, depsite your best efforts, say something gross at your wedding. You have two options: No speeches or take him out of the wedding. I’d do the latter, but because it doesn’t really sound like anyone has addressed this with him before, it may come as a surprise to him. Not your probelm, but be ready for the fallout.
If you insist on having him there, you need to start stepping up and speaking out about this behavior in every day conversation. I understand it’s difficult, but it’s necessary. We didn’t invite a few family members due to similar behavior. As a PP said, if you don’t address it, you’re condoning it, which makes you part of the problem.