Post # 16
sweirdo : I’ve been at a wedding where the bride pushed the best man into the pool because he was drunk and tried to interrupt the cake cutting. As in, the best man wanted to put the cake on the bride’s face because the groom was being a “pansy” about it. Needless to say, he was escorted out, dripping wet, and didn’t resurface for the rest of the evening. His wife had to take him upstairs and put him to bed.
Don’t let this be your night. Find a way to control the best man. If your FH needs to tell his family the “why” of no speeches, that’s okay. I’m sure they’ll agree when they hear the reason.
Post # 17
Your best bet is to cut him from the guest list. Second option is to cut back on speeches. My husbands best man was too shy to make a speech so we only had three, his father welcoming me, my sister welcoming him, and the two of us thanking everyone for coming.
Post # 18
1) Fiance sits down with him and asks him about the recent change in behaviour and explain that HE is not comfortable with it and set up clear expectations for the wedding ceremony AND reception.
2) Have him step down as Best Man
3) Cut Out Speeches
4) Do nothing and hope for the best!
Post # 19
Your husband need a to grow some balls and tell his friend his words and behavior are offensive and that he needs to cut it out or risk their friendship.
Post # 20
sweirdo : tell him to zip it up and nix the speeches. I’d honestly just throw him out of the wedding party and uninvited him to the wedding. Where are you going to sit him? In a corner by himself?
Post # 21
Huh? I wouldn’t even have this horrible sounding guy at the wedding after the nazi salute without an apology, let alone have him as best man, and no way would be allowed to make a speech?! It is unacceptable that he is even causing you this much in advance of your happiest day. I would take some perspective on this.
Post # 22
Yeah. Personally, I wouldn’t even have him in the wedding (have you talked to your Fiance about how offensive this guy is to you? though honestly he should already know), but the least you can do is cut the speeches out. It’s your wedding, don’t worry about what FI’s family thinks.
Post # 23
Have you or your fiance talked to him about the speech or his offensive jokes? I know it seems really obvious, but he might really not realize that he is offending you. There have been a few times in my life when I’ve said something that I thought would be received in good humor but it definitely was not. Also, my brother, who has Asperger’s syndrome, frequently makes inappropriate or offensive jokes because he really doesn’t identify that they’re affecting people. I can totally see him making these Nazi jokes and thinking you’d take it in stride. That doesn’t mean the jokes are okay, but it is still possible that he hasn’t realized the effect he is having. I don’t know this guy so I can’t say if he knows or not, but I tend to lean hard on giving the benefit of the doubt if a topic has not been directly addressed.
I wouldn’t go as far as cutting him from the guest list as some have suggested. Have your fiance address your shared concerns. He can let him know that you have been uncomfortable with the German/Nazi jokes but didn’t know how to address the issue. Then he can request that nothing similar be included in the speech. If possible, he should also throw in some positive things so that he is receptive to the feedback and doesn’t feel attacked: “you’re a funny guy and a great friend, I just figured you’d want to know because I don’t think you’d offend anyone on purpose;” “Really looking forward to your speech, just wanted to make sure it stays appropriate for the audience,” etc.
Post # 24
I wouldn’t be concerned about speeches, I’d be concerned with the fact that my soon-to-be-husband is good friends with a racist homophobe who openly disrespects his fiance and her culture and hasn’t done a damn thing about it.
Post # 25
Why is your fiance even friends with someone like this?
Post # 26
I know a lot of people with this type of a sense of humor, comedians have built whole careers on this crude type of stuff. But most of these people are also reasonable and would respect someone’s wishes if they said they didn’t like that. Have you or your Fiance ever actually approached the guy about it? I really don’t think you can make an informed decision until you talk to him. If he blows you off, then remove him. If he sincerely apologises and promises to keep it clean, then I don’t see a problem.
Post # 27
Also a thought, he might show your fiance the speech, but if he’s that adamant about his inappropriate jokes, he’ll probably say them anyway, regardless of whether your fiance says “take that out”.
If you decide not to let him make a speech (whether he’s best man or not) – make sure he doesn’t get a hold of the microphone! Let your MC or whoever is in charge of running the day know that he’s not allowed the microphone!
Post # 28
Okay, woah, woah, woah, guys.
Of course we both separately spoke to him about this kind of behaviour and how it is a no-go thing. I didn’t mention that, because I thought that was a given.
Now. He did apologize as well.I am just still worried that something like this will happen, because he is, in fact, a tool. I’m honestly not sure if he understood that that’s an absolute no-go for the speeches and such. But we’ll have a few talks with him again. With enough pressure on him he might actually do a decent job on the speech.
We will have responsible people look over the speech and give him an outline. You have all given me some great advice, thank you for that. I think I have my answers and a plan on how to proceed if he’s being an insensitive a**hole.
I’m going to close this thread now, thank you all very much!