Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
There are three women in my office who are currently engaged: myself, an older “encore” bride who has literally invited everyone in our department to her cocktails-and-cake reception, and … let’s call her “Betty.” Betty and I are work friends who really enjoy each others’ company; we’ll get lunch or coffee while at work 2-3 times a week, have met up outside of work on a handful of occasions to shop at craft festivals, stuff like that. But we’re not super close. Whenever the topic of weddings comes up during chit-chat (and the Encore Bride is getting married the first weekend of June, so it’s come up a LOT lately), most everyone has something to say whether they’re one of the engaged ladies or not. Except Betty. Betty always seems embarrassed and flustered. I’ve asked her benign little questions during our coffee dates – has she picked a date, thoughts on seated vs. buffet, stuff like that – and she just blushes then changes the subject.
Turns out Betty told EncoreBride that it’s a very small wedding (30 people or so) with ONLY family and very very close friends. So none of the work people are invited. Which is fine!! I’m not upset, I don’t feel slighted, I am incredibly empathetic to budget concerns (she is also a younger bride; only 23). But Betty feels super self-conscious about not being able to invite work people and doesn’t want to rock the boat by bringing it up. Ok, point taken. No more bride talk around her.
That said, I know what an important milestone this is for her, and would love to recognize it in some small way. Would it be appropriate for me to get her a card and give it to her over lunch one day? Or a small gift off her registry? We are friends, after all, even if we aren’t besties. Or given how uncomfortable she is, is it best to just leave it well enough alone? If someone you didn’t invite to your wedding gave you a gift, would you feel guilty? Or like it was a dig?
Post # 2
I absolutely think it would be appropriate to give her a gift and let her know how happy you are for her. I think you can also put her at ease that you aren’t offended that you are not invited. I am an encore bride having a teeny, tiny wedding. I am not inviting anyone from work except two girls who really are my best friends. No one seems bothered in the least. I just say it is a small family wedding. Which is true.
Post # 3
I would probably just bring up casually in conversation that you think it’s great that she’s doing a small wedding and having only the ‘main’ people. That may ease her worries. But absolutely, if you’d like to get her a gift, do so!
Post # 4
Also, I read somewhere, that it was perfectly ok to give a collegaue a shower even if you are not invited to the wedding. 🙂 Work is sort of the one exception to the rule that you don’t go to a shower unless you go to the wedding.
Post # 5
If you want to give her a gift, do it. Invited or not. It shows appreciationg and that you are happy for her.
Post # 6
rachel85: I think that is super sweet of you and that she would like that. I am having a family only small wedding (<25 people) and I sometimes feel awkward talking about the wedding knowing I can’t invite all my friends. I feel like they aren’t interested if they can’t be there and that I’d be rude to talk about it or something.
So I think extending a gesture that you’re still excited for her will really be appreciated 🙂
Post # 7
I would most definitely get her a gift.
Please do talk to her and let her know that you know it’s just going to be family and COMPLETELY understand and that you are ok with it but you do value the friendship you do have and wanted to share in her joy.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
I did not invite any coworkers to our wedding. After the wedding we went back to our hotel room to find a HUGE gift basket full of gifts and treats all from my coworkers!! It was such a surprise and so sweet of them!!! I loved it.
It’s probably a good idea to let her know that you understand her wedding is small and family only but you’d still love to hear about it too. It would probably make her feel better if she is otherwise feeling compared to others who are inviting everybody etc.
Post # 9
On her part, she is being very appropriate and considerate not to discuss any of the details of the wedding at work. On yours, a card, a gift, even a small office shower with cake and small gifts are all perfectly fine! I’m sure she’d be moved and appreciate anything you did. Parties thrown at work for those who are not invited are even among the exceptions to the rule that you can’t invite people who are not guests at the wedding to a bridal shower. Presumably, that’s because it is a voluntarily organized group effort and no one is being imposed upon.
Post # 10
Is she invited to your wedding? If so, she may be a bit embarassed because she is not financially able to extend an invitation to you and your FH. That being said, I think a very nice card would be appropriate. I probably wouldn’t do a gift, just because she is already uneasy talking about it with you…maybe she will be even more uneasy if she is not able to give you a gift as well?
Post # 11
rachel85: I think thats totally appropriate and very sweet of you!
Post # 12
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
rachel85: I think a gift is absolutely appropriate normally…. but given her response towards wedding talk I probably wouldn’t. Plus, she might think she has to get you a gift in return and it budget is a problem that might fluster her more.
Maybe pass a card around the office for her, so it’s not JUST from you.
Post # 13
can you throw her a little work shower?
Post # 14
I agree with PP, give her something and talk to her and let her know you understand and are totally fine with not being invited. This way you can put the poor girl at ease!! and you guys can talk to each other about wedding stuff without her feeling guilty or bad.
Post # 15
totally fine to give her a gift! I would just to clear the air- let her know that you know youre not invited and there are zero hard feelings (with out saying it)
“Congratulations and best wishes for you marriage. I cannot wait to hear all about the wedding! Enjoy every minute”