(Closed) Officemate engaged, I'm not invited – now what?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
2848 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I absolutely think it would be appropriate to give her a gift and let her know how happy you are for her.  I think you can also put her at ease that you aren’t offended that you are not invited.  I am an encore bride having a teeny, tiny wedding.  I am not inviting anyone from work except two girls who really are my best friends.  No one seems bothered in the least.  I just say it is a small family wedding.  Which is true.

Post # 3
186 posts
Blushing bee

I would probably just bring up casually in conversation that you think it’s great that she’s doing a small wedding and having only the ‘main’ people. That may ease her worries. But absolutely, if you’d like to get her a gift, do so!


Post # 4
2848 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Also, I read somewhere, that it was perfectly ok to give a collegaue a shower even if you are not invited to the wedding.  🙂  Work is sort of the one exception to the rule that you don’t go to a shower unless you go to the wedding.

Post # 5
857 posts
Busy bee

If you want to give her a gift, do it. Invited or not. It shows appreciationg and that you are happy for her. 

Post # 6
2511 posts
Sugar bee

rachel85:  I think that is super sweet of you and that she would like that. I am having a family only small wedding (<25 people) and I sometimes feel awkward talking about the wedding knowing I can’t invite all my friends. I feel like they aren’t interested if they can’t be there and that I’d be rude to talk about it or something.

So I think extending a gesture that you’re still excited for her will really be appreciated 🙂

Post # 7
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would most definitely get her a gift.

Please do talk to her and let her know that you know it’s just going to be family and COMPLETELY understand and that you are ok with it but you do value the friendship you do have and wanted to share in her joy.

Post # 8
2610 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

I did not invite any coworkers to our wedding. After the wedding we went back to our hotel room to find a HUGE gift basket full of gifts and treats all from my coworkers!! It was such a surprise and so sweet of them!!! I loved it.

It’s probably a good idea to let her know that you understand her wedding is small and family only but you’d still love to hear about it too. It would probably make her feel better if she is otherwise feeling compared to others who are inviting everybody etc. 

Post # 9
10398 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

On her part, she is being very appropriate and considerate not to discuss any of the details of the  wedding at work.  On yours, a card, a gift, even a small office shower with cake and small gifts are all perfectly fine!  I’m sure she’d be moved and appreciate anything you did.  Parties thrown at work for those who are not invited are even among the exceptions to the rule that you can’t invite people who are not guests at the wedding to a bridal shower. Presumably, that’s because it is a voluntarily organized group effort and no one is being imposed upon. 

Post # 10
94 posts
Worker bee

Is she invited to your wedding? If so, she may be a bit embarassed because she is not financially able to extend an invitation to you and your FH. That being said, I think a very nice card would be appropriate. I probably wouldn’t do a gift, just because she is already uneasy talking about it with you…maybe she will be even more uneasy if she is not able to give you a gift as well?

Post # 11
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

rachel85:  I think thats totally appropriate and very sweet of you! 

Post # 12
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

rachel85:  I think a gift is absolutely appropriate normally…. but given her response towards wedding talk I probably wouldn’t.  Plus, she might think she has to get you a gift in return and it budget is a problem that might fluster her more.

Maybe pass a card around the office for her, so it’s not JUST from you.

Post # 13
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

can you throw her a little work shower?

Post # 14
128 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with PP, give her something and talk to her and let her know you understand and are totally fine with not being invited. This way you can put the poor girl at ease!! and you guys can talk to each other about wedding stuff without her feeling guilty or bad. 

Post # 15
9779 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

totally fine to give her a gift! I would just to clear the air- let her know that you know youre not invited and there are zero hard feelings (with out saying it)


“Congratulations and best wishes for you marriage. I cannot wait to hear all about the wedding! Enjoy every minute”

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