(Closed) Officiant has asked me to re-write my vows…why am I so hurt?

posted 6 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hmmm….what kind of officiant is she? Is she facilitated by a church?

Post # 4
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Take The Reins:  I can imagine that being rough, since writing the vows has been the most personal part of this whole thing! I can’t decide if I want anyone at all to read them before the wedding, because I’m afraid of exactly what happened to you. I know they’re really long, but … well, I don’t want anyone to tell me they’re too long because it’s important to me that I say it all!  So I totally feel ya 🙁  at least, hopefully, if you take her advice then your vows will end up kicking major ass and you’ll have everyone in tears — happy tears!

Post # 5
Member
46403 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sometimes it’s good to get an objective opinion. If your officiant thinks the vows are negative and long, chances are your guests will too.

Your vows should be forward looking, not dwelling on the past too much. Many couples go through rough times, but that can usually be summarized in a sentence or two, then move on to the present and future.

 

Post # 6
Member
1778 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If they are too long, I would have a private vow session with just your husband (at night after the wedding) and read him all of it.  I bet if you look at what you wrote, there are some things that only he needs to hear, not everyone. I realize your wedding is about you two, but it’s also about showing your love publicly and keeping your guests comfortable.  Some things are very intimate and might be better for just the two of you.  Try not to be upset, people will only try to help and definitely do not want to hurt your feelings.  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My officiant (non-denominational, interfaith) had a similar concern over negativity when I was discussing maybe doing a wine box ceremony as an alternative to unity candle or sand. The short version of a wine box ceremony is that the bride and groom write love letters to each other and put them inside a pretty box with a bottle of wine, then lock it, and promise to open it on the 5th anniversary to toast and celebrate.  The only reason to open it early is if your relationship is rocky and you need something to help bring you back together.  She said that is too much negative energy– don’t go into your wedding day planning for potential failure or dwelling on the problems of the past. Put only positive energy into everything you do, and start a new chapter of your life on a positive footing.

Like you, I kind of stung a bit at that feedback, but she’s absolutely right.  I want this ceremony to be about celebration and love, not about what painful things happened in the past or could maybe happen in the future.

Post # 9
Member
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Remember that she’s commenting on how well the style in which you chose to express an emotion fits wedding vows – she’s not commenting on the emotion itself! We get very invested in what we write, esp. if we are have strong feelings while we’re doing the writing. She’s not invalidating the feeling, or even your expression of it, she’s suggesting that it won’t translate the way you want it to in this particular situation.

Don’t discard what you’ve written, just find a different medium for it. A poem? A love letter to your FI? 

Post # 11
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh and by the way, I am now obsessively reading these comments and wondering how I should adjust my own vows — perhaps things that I didn’t realize came off as negative or too past-oriented, or things that are too long and could be cut! So you see, the criticism you received has helped not just you — it’s helping me as well! 🙂

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