(Closed) officiant refuses to read our vows?! RANT

posted 6 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Geez!  If he’s not a minister, priest, or other religious official, I think he should leave religion or his personal beliefs out of it.  My wedding package included a minister, but Darling Husband and I didn’t want religion in our ceremony, so we had the innkeeper (a notary) perform it instead.

Post # 4
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

wow, ok, this guy is NOT a minister? this is not good

I would be mad. I too feel similarily to you and think its such a grand gesture to vow yourself to someone even after death. how ridiculous of him. can you get someone else?

Post # 6
1715 posts
Bumble bee


Any Unitarian Universalist ministers around you? I don’t see why they would not be able to perform as a Justice of the Peace. Or can you get a different JP?

Post # 7
9668 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am religious myself, but also believe ’til death and beyond’ is a great thing to say in the vows, as for me love continues even after one partner dies. but as I will be getting married in a church I think I have to do the traditional vows they give us, maybe I can include the death and beyond in the personal vows we are putting in the programs 🙂

And as this guy is NOT a minister, just a Justice of the Peace, and he said you can write your own vows, he shouldn’t have a problem with it. Perhaps just have him not say them and just you read them out to each other?

Post # 8
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m sorry if this is off topic, or not right or something, but your vow is saying if one of you passes the other one doesn’t date, remarry, etc. You wait to die to be reunited with them.

I would have concerns about that because I would wonder if they’re vowing something they won’t uphold. If a partner dies when the bride is 25, I don’t believe she would wait until 85 and death to be reunited to them. That’s why it’s usually till death do us part.

That would be my concern. That they were lying in their vows.

Not that you are. I don’t know you and he doesn’t know you and you might be willing to wait 75 years until death. I would just be concerned.

Post # 10
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@cerenatee:  Huh? I don’t read that in it at all.

OP, I think it’s beautiful. I would just tell him that either he keeps his opinions to himself and allows you to say the vows that you want (seeing as you PAID for this!), or he can refund your money and you’ll find someone else.

Post # 11
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@vorpalette:  I vow to love AND BE WITH YOU till death AND BEYOND.

They’re vowing to be together even after death. The truth is most people remarry or at least date. They’re vowing not to do that. And that’s fine. They can vow anything they want. I’m definitely not judging that. But as an officiant, I would worry that they’re vowing something they’re really not prepared to do. It sounds wonderful but I don’t know anyone that would realisticly uphold it. Maybe he doesn’t either so that’s what’s giving him concerns.


Post # 12
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Is your officiant refusing to let you use these vows or only refusing to say them. Could you say the vows but not in a repeat after me format? Like each of you just has the paper with the vows written out to say?

Post # 13
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Canal St Inn

@cerenatee:  If that’s his issue, he should just say that. Either that or step down.

Post # 14
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@shadowblind:  He did say that but more politely: “couples only get to stay together until one departs” and “we should just use “as long as we both shall live.”

I’m not saying he’s right so people can stop replying to me like I personally know this man.

I gave the OP  another perspective. Vows are suppose to be truth and upheld no matter what. If she and her Fiance want to promise to never be with anyone else if the other one passes, they can. But as the person administering the vows, if he take them as truth and something to be upheld no matter what, he may have concerns about them vowing to remain committed to each other after his/her death. If they’re 90 when they pass, yes, but most 20 year olds or 30 year olds not in a nunnery can’t uphold that vow so they shouldn’t say it. It’s starting their marriage on a lie because it sounds good.

I don’t know the OP. She might be committed to joining a nunnery if her husband passes. Or maybe she plans on throwing herself on his casket and being buried with him. I. Don’t. Know. I’m saying that would be his concern. That’s all.

Post # 15
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

He doesn’t sound like a good fit for you.Find someone else.

Post # 16
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@cerenatee:  +1

I don’t know the OP or the officiant but it sounds like this specific vow might be difficult to honor, and that the officiant is trying to steer the OP away from making a promise she can’t keep.  And I think that’s an appropriate thing for an officiant to do. 

Our officiant coached/advised us on a lot of different aspects of our ceremony and our vows and while she seemed quite a bit easier to work with than the OP’s, she had no shyness about pointing out places where our vows or our ceremony wording might have an unexpected meaning.  It was an eye-opening experience, to say the least, but in the end Darling Husband and I are both really happy that she put in her two cents.  

For the OP, I’d make absolutely certain that you and your fiance truly mean to not remarry before making this vow.  You really truly might be promising something that you can’t honor.  I know if I were to die young, I would not want Darling Husband to live the rest of his life alone; I’d want him to find a new love, and to remarry. It wouldn’t be a disrespect to me or my memory.  I want him to be happy.  If he never finds another love and doesn’t remarry, that’s all fine and good, but I’d like him to have the option, and for him not to feel like he’s betraying our vows by not wanting to be alone for the rest of his life.  We’ve actually spoken about this several times, and there’s no way we could ever have vowed to be with only each other “till death and beyond.”  


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