(Closed) Officiant said we can't write our own vows :(

posted 7 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 16
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

nurse14:  Taiki:  You can only choose to not use ‘obey’ if you pick a certain service. I would like to use the same service my parent used (its the same chucrch they were married in) but I would also have to ‘obey’ . You can pick one of 2 (possibly 3) services but in the UK the marriage isn’t legal unless you make the right promises. With the right officiant and type of service you could make additional promises or read poems etc.

Anglican churches elswhere are still very close. It could be that your officiant doesn’t see it as a proper marriage unless the traditional vows are used. Could you use the traditional vows and you own? If not I think you will have no choice but to find another officiant.

Post # 17
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

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yorkiemad00:  I believe you are correct, I am sorry if I expressed myself poorly. I was trying to say that there were (very limited) options with the C of E. When it comes to religions there is usually a “right” and “wrong” way to do things, so if you’re working with a priest/vicar…they may not feel able to comply with these sorts of requests.

Post # 18
Member
7973 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

If you are having a Christian marriage then most mainstream denominations will not let you write your own vows. As PP says, it is because marriage is a sacrament, and therefore has to follow canonical form, or the equivalent thereof.

Is there any particular reason why you want an Anglican officiant?

Post # 19
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May

Previous bees have listed some great advice. Ultimately you have to choose- family friend or personal vows. 

Post # 20
Member
7973 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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yorkiemad00:  Really? I didn’t know that there was an option to “obey” any more for a UK, mainstream denomination Christian wedding. There isn’t such an option in the Catholic church (hasn’t been since the late 70s, apparently), or any of the non-denominational churches I attended as a child (my Mum is a minister, but I married in the Catholic church).

I have heard “obey” used before, but only during secular services (I almost choked the first time I heard it used!)

Post # 21
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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Rachel631:  In the book of common prayer version (the original version) you have to say obey there is no choice. Our vicar says they have to be followed as they are written or the marriage isn’t really legal (& he studied law before becoming a vicar) There is a more modern version that is very similar, has similar language, from the 60s that gives you the choice of 2 sets of vows (one with obey and one without) but our vicar is unsure whether its still a legal marriage ceremony and then there is the really modern version (common worship) from 2000(also with choice about obey). Alot of how the ceremony is conducted is left to individual vicars and how they interpret the law. I think some do mix and match ceremonies and use some that are tecnically no longer legal ceremonies.

My parents in the 80s had a very traditional vicar. They had no choice but to use the traditional service complete with obey. The vicar also made lefties sign the register with their right hand.

I am torn between which one to choose. Fiance is leaving it to me. I love the traditional version. The book of common prayer is a great piece of english literature (like shakespeare) and I do like tradition but I really don’t want to promise to obey as there is no way I could keep that promise 😀 Plus I am a bit of a feminist.

Our choice in having a church wedding is more about family and tradition than it is about religion.

Post # 22
Member
7973 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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yorkiemad00:  How bizarre. I suppose it might be an Anglican thing because of the way that Anglicanism has a unique status within the law (being the state religion). For example, your local Anglican church is legally required to marry you if you ask them. I also know that Anglican weddings have a slightly different legal status, but I’m not sure of the exact nature of this.

In the non-Anglican weddings which I have attended, a registrar attends the wedding, and it is the registrar who deals with the legal side of the proceedings. The priest/reverend etc conducts the ceremony and deals with the vows, but they don’t marry you in a legal sense. The registrar does that instead. I wonder if that makes a difference?

At any rate, I did ask about the language for our Catholic ceremony and was told that “obey” could not be used (not that I would have wanted it anyway!).

Post # 23
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My pastor said that personal vows can be said, but within reason to the service.  I don’t want to do them, but my fiance is thinking about it himself.  As long as it does not go too far off-base in regards to the actual ceremony service, my pastor is okay with it.  It is a religious service we are having, after all.  But, if this is not something you want, you should find a new officiant.  I don’t know anything about the Anglican church, but if your friend is a priest there, that is probably why you can’t write your own vows.  To them, it is a sacrament.

Post # 24
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

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yorkiemad00:  “Our choice in having a church wedding is more about family and tradition than it is about religion.” – this.

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