(Closed) Oh, Bees. I need Some Help/Advice Regarding DH

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

Im not married and I don’t have children so I cant imagine how tough this is for you. The only advice I can come up with is meeting each other half way. 

Can you talk to him about trying to compromise and meet each other half way? Give him some more attention but he has to communicate with you and offer support as well instead of wallowing. 

Good luck OP and I hope some other bees can chime in with some great advice for you. 

Post # 4
Member
6430 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

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rosegoldgirl:  Okay, so you’re probably not going to like my advice, and I’m not trying to be harsh.

I think you need to br the one to step up here and really try to make your relationship your #1 priority. I know it’s hard as a new mom (I have a 2.5 yo and a 6 month old), but it’s so important for the health of your relationship that your DH knows without question that he still matters to you and his opinions/feelings do too. It’s very possible that he is dealing with depression, but he may not want to face/admit it because he’s probably already feeling worthless based on what he’s said to you. That’s the main reason I think you need to be the one who steps up. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate to balance, but it sounds like you’re better equipped to do it than he is. When I was reading through your post, it was very obvious that you’re just over it at this point, and I’m sure he’s probably getting that vibe from you as well. Just try to be kind and patient with each other during this time of transition.

Post # 5
Member
6297 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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Cory_loves_this_girl:  I think this is great advice!!!

I think that situations like this are a huge reason why a lot of marriages don’t last. (FWIW…I’m NOT saying you’re headed for divorce…hang in there with me) I’m not saying that kids should not be main priority but I think way too often people put their marriage/spouse to the back burner when kids come along because they consume so much of you. It’s really easy to feel neglected, especially when you mentioned that your DH was your whole world and you were very caring for him. 

Certainly I don’t think you need to bear the load of everything on your own, but maybe don’t ask him again what you can do…just start doing little things to show him your love. If the problem persists he likely could be suffering from depression and for that he should see a doctor. 

Post # 6
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

From your description, it sounds like he is suffering from depression. The hardest part about loving someone with depression is that they don’t feel like they deserve help, so they simply won’t open up. It may be worth trying to get someone on board whom he trusts. The challenge will be to ensure he doesn’t feel like he’s being ambushed. 

There are some great resources online for people supporting loved ones with depression. Here is a link to Beyond Blue. It’s an Australian based website, so you may want to find an organisation based in your location, but it’s a good place to start.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

I wish you the very best.

Post # 7
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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rosegoldgirl:  I’m familiar with your back story and in my non – professional opinion I would guess this is completely related to that (losing your previous children). I would guess that he might be feeling pressure or guilt over his relationship with your new baby as he was ‘supposed’ to have that with your girls but didn’t get the chance. Women are a lot stronger when it comes to matters of the heart and carrying on. Your husband might be stuck in a bit of an emotional place re-greiving the loss – it may have come to the suface again now that you have a healthy baby at home. The ‘what if’s’…and being able to allow himself to enjoy your new baby without feeling guilty. Sorry if I’m overstepping to an emotional place – it’s the first thing I thought in reading your post. I know my husband is a very emotional man that internalizes everything and I can see him having a similar reaction if it were us. Since you have taken on a primary role -he may be feeling a little lost as to how and where and when to insert himself.

#1 thing -Reassure him that he’s doing a good job. Give him little moments with your son, just hand him over while you go to the bathroom and then take extra long on purpose. Let him have a chance to be the ‘primary’ even for a moment here and there.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Sunshine09.
Post # 10
Member
4835 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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rosegoldgirl:  I just wanted to chime in to say I’m sorry you’re struggling!  This sounds terrible.  I haven’t been there, but I know that I will be there some day (like all of us).  

I think that this is a good example of what people mean when they say your relationship will go good seasons and bad.  It may be that your DH needs help from a therapist. More than likely he should seek help. But if he can’t face that right now, I suggest that you just talk to him and tell him that you both need to just grit your teeth and hold on right now.  You have an infant.  You are recovering from a C-section and he is recovering from a terrible knee injury, you are both working with an infant at home.  You guys are going through a challenging time right now. 

Basically – remember that this too shall pass.  Don’t either of you go do anything crazy that will slam down the “self destruct” button on your lives because you don’t feel fufilled and happy for a few months.  You can make it.

Post # 11
Member
4066 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Having a newborn is very stressful!  Between 3-6 months my DH and I always fight a lot.  The lack of sleep, the constant feedings, the not enough alone time, the not enough together time… it really starts to wear on you, and for me, it is always around 3-6 months where are just not meshing well as a couple.  

Your DH sounds like he is going through something, but you can’t force him to get help.  So I would just continue to be encouraging, and try to find even 10 minutes a day to devote to him and make him special.  Ask him to do the same for you.  If nothing else, it is 20 mins a day where have both made an effort to make the other person number 1.  With my DH and I, this is often when we are exhausted, at 11pm, but we do it anyway and maybe even have a few giggles, and it keeps us stronger.  

Post # 12
Member
4066 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Oh, and about the crying.  Yes.  When any of my babies are unconsoleable, I immediately take them.  It is not to say my DH can’t, but hormonally and intuitivley, I cannot leave them, even with him.  If he can just try to see this more from a biological point of view, rather than a personal one, it would feel less scolding and more what a great mom.  😉

Post # 13
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
rosegoldgirl:  I can see how he’d be upset about you taking the baby when he’s angry crying. As a mom, it’s so hard to hear though! Trust me, I’ve been there, so I can totally relate, but coming from a mom of a 17 year old, 16 year old, and soon to be newborn…crying won’t kill the baby, but taking the baby and showing your “superior” parenting skills is killing your DH’s confidence.

I’m offering this advice based on experience. When the baby is inconsolable, you can offer your DH tips on what you do when the baby is so upset, walk out of the room, step out to the porch, or tell your husband to let YOU know if there is anything that you can do to help him get through it so he knows you’re there to help, but he’s running the show at that moment. The bottom line is that you allow your DH to figure it out. Remember, you figured it out through trial and error. Given the chance, he will too, and you’ll likely see his confidence grow. Best of luck to you!!!

Post # 14
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry you guys are going through this! I think on some levels it sounds like paternal PPD (which is totally real and I think, sadly, not much talked about) and some of it is very normal for new parents. There’s so much going on – you’re both trying to figure out your identities as parents, there’s SO much work and not a lot of sleep and there’s tons of hormones and stress and expectations flying around, not to mention all of the unsolicited advice… it’s really hard for anyone to go through! My husband and I had a lot of growing pains right around this time – things are getting away from the “Oh shit” all hands on deck fourth trimester, and you’ve got a little more time to take a breath and really be like, wow. 

Our culture makes it so hard on mothers and fathers in very different ways. For moms, we go through what you identified so perfectly as feeling like you’re not able to fall apart, you have to keep it together and be strong. And I think we tend to do more research and think about parenting philosophies and connect with other mothers and in general, we’re just raised with more knowledge and practice about taking care of infants, and I think all of that together can set up a dynamic where Mommy is the Boss and the Expert. Which is really tough for both of you! For you, it means you never get a break, and for him, it means that he feels left out and impotent. This is exactly what happened to us. And it sucked.

What worked for me was this: one day, I said, “DH, I’m going out today. I need some time to myself. I’ll be back in five hours. Don’t call me unless it’s an emergency.” And I went out. At that point we were formula feeding, but if you’re breastfeeding you could leave pumped milk or just pop back in briefly for a feeding. I went out and got a haircut, a mani/pedi, shopped for new work clothes and had a blissful, silent lunch at Panera where I read a junky magazine and ate my sandwich with two hands. By the time I got home, my husband had 1) a new level of respect for me (though it doesn’t sound like yours needs that, he’s already there!) and 2) a new level of confidence in himself and his ability to take care of the baby. It was SUCH a turning point for us, I can’t even put it into words. 

It’s also rough that we – as a culture – don’t provide many opportunities for dads to connect with each other and figure out their new identities in the same way we can with online forums, new mom support groups, etc. My mom’s group counselor always suggested Becoming Dad, which is both a website and a Facebook community, for dads who are having a rough time figuring out their new identity as a father. 

It sounds like you’re both doing such a great job parenting and communicating. Hang in there! This too shall pass. 

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