Post # 16
Anon721 : I agree with this.
We actually have a similar situation happening with us, except we are in the brother’s shoes. We’re flying to a destination wedding for Brother-In-Law and his Fiance, and we will be staying with his mom (MIL). I am a little miffed about this, because it’s a country with walking as a primary method of transportation, and Mother-In-Law just can’t walk far. She wants to rent a wheelchair and I guess have one of us push her around. I, however, would like to take the opportunity to enjoy a week (minus the wedding day) in a country we’ve never been before and have a family vacation with Darling Husband, Dear Daughter, and myself. It won’t work out that way, but I see your brother’s point. However, he shouldn’t get mad when she finds alternate accommodations- it’s not his issue at that point.
Post # 17
There’s just too much emoting and triangulation in this. OP you should back off your brother. He’s not the villain you’re making him out to be. Stop emoting for your mother. Shes a grown woman who should figure out her own accomations without Derek. If she wants a shared living space then she should bring someone with her or get in touch with a guest who is coming and would like some company. Your brother is just as entitled to privacy and his wants are no less important. Respect it.
Post # 18
I do get where your brother is coming from. He is paying a lot to come to your wedding, it’s not selfish of him to want to make it into a vacation with his wife. He will be there for you for the wedding, but if he wants to use the rest of his time there as a vacation with his wife, that is his business.
A two bedroom condo with your mother/MIL is not much better than a two bed hotel room with your mother/MIL. Better, yes, but it still definitely restricts a lot of what you can do. They wouldn’t be able to relax and cuddle and be romantic. And personally I would feel much too uncomfortable to have sex with my SO if my mother was in another room nearby. If I’m paying $$$$ to go to Hawaii, I will be having a romantic vacation with my SO with however much sex we want.
It’s also just not fair to expect him to be the sole caretaker of your mother during the vacation. Even IF he was fine with his mother tagging along on their vacation, it would severely limit the things they can do if they have a 75 year old woman with them. I’m sure they would have been fine watching after her for part of the trip, but your brother may have felt like he was being pressured into taking care of her all the time. That’s not fair to him.
You can’t fault your brother for not helping take care of your mother when he lives farther away.
I do think your brother overreacted a bit, however I think it was brought on by him feeling pressured and guilted.
I think the entire situation has gotten out of hand. Your brother is an adult, he can figure out his own accomodations, leave him to it. Give your mother the option of where she wants to go, whether it’s with the Maid/Matron of Honor, Mother-In-Law, or cousins, but leave the option of your brother out of it because he clearly doesn’t want the responsibility. If your brother asks about your mom and where she’s saying, or has any other suggestions, just politely tell him that you are handling your mother and everything is all set.
Post # 19
WOW..how awful! Get your Mom hooked up with your Maid/Matron of Honor of Future Mother-In-Law ASAP. I think your brother might feel a little guilty and definitely embarassed by all of this, which is why he ispushing for your mom to stay on her own. You get your mom set up and don’t give him a second thought. I think it is fine that your brother and his wife want a romantic vacation, but he should have been honest up front.
Post # 20
- Wedding: January 2017 - Maui, Hawaii
Thanks for all the thoughtful responses, clearly there are two schools of thought on the issue. Personally, if the tables were turned and it was Derek getting married in Hawaii there wouldn’t even be a question… I’d be booking a two bedroom condo with my mom, and I did ask my fiance what he would expect if the tables were turned and he also said that we would share a condo with my mom. However, I know my mom very well and know that she will not be a huge burden or try to tag along every where. Derek doesn’t know these things because he is not close with her.
mrshomemaker : creativeplannertobee : mishybear : stephyhansen : MiniMeow : waterg : WinterSolsticeBride : I totally agree that she will be happier with someone who wants to have her, I think I will end up taking Future Mother-In-Law up on her offer. I am not going to tell my brother off, although I imagine a fight will still ensue because when my mother mentioned the possibility of staying with Future Mother-In-Law or Maid/Matron of Honor previously, my brother exploded at the idea. I plan on emailing him that I will find accomodations for my mom and try to word it as nicely as possible. If he blows up at me again after that, all bets are off!
AORiver15 : My brother was not required to do anything, however, when my older brother decided he could not go to the wedding, my mother expressed her fear of having to stay alone, at which time Derek expressed that he was offended and that he would make arrangements with our mom.
MrsBeck : abwcmo : I only mentioned that myself, my older brother, and his family help my mother and that Derek doesn’t help her in these ways to explain why my mother expected NOTHING from Derek when Justin said he decided he couldnt go. It was Derek who volunteered that he would make arrangements with her and acted hurt and offended that she expected so little from him. I don’t care or expect Derek to help on a daily basis because he lives so far away. I did, however, expect him to follow through with his promise especially after he made such a big deal about being offended. If I knew this was going to happen I would have taken care of my moms arrangements months ago.
Post # 21
- Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel
MrsBeck : yes but it is the reason they’re going and it’s HIS mother who he reassured he would look after
Post # 22
waterg : I obviously understand the reason they are going to Hawaii. If the B&G expected me to make the week all about them I would not go. Maybe if I had more money to throw around I wouldn’t mind spending thousands of dollars like that but in my current situation, I would not spend thousands if I was not able to make it into a vacation.
I also understand it’s his mother. I don’t think he should have strung OP along all this time but I can certainly understand why he doesn’t want to share a condo with her. I probably would just suck it up and deal with it but I wouldn’t love having little privacy and feeling like I need to take my Mother-In-Law with me everywhere.
I don’t think there is a right answer in this situation. That’s why I gave OP the advice I did about booking her with someone else and not bringing it up anymore.
Post # 23
- Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel
MrsBeck : and I put the comment I did because I believe he should be helping out their mother I come from a close family who help eachother out ALOT and I’d rather make sure my mum was comfortable and happy rather than living it up in my own condo! But that’s my personal opinion it was you that first jumped on my comment not the otherway around everyone is entitle to give their own opinion. We disagree, so what?