Post # 1
Hi people, I am just a little hurt by something and need to vent I guess. A few weeks ago, My widowed sister asked me to be her MOH in her upcoming 2nd marriag. She wanted to have a church wedding this time around as her first marriage was performed by a justice of the peace over 30 years ago. She wanted a simple small wedding and she wants to pay for everything as she doesnt want this to be a costly affair. In other words second hand dresses, home made cakes and flowers etc. Which I think is great.
Anyway, My sister asked me over the phone (we live about an hour apart and have always spoken every day on the phone)to be her MOH which I gladly accepted and her married daughter was to be the brides maid but begged off as she doesnt like to be amid crowds and the wedding was growing as my other two sisters were also recently asked to be brides maids.. Anyway, my sister went out looking for dresses and she found two identical brides maid dresses and one plainer dress that was the same color. She bought all three. The two brides maid dresses were huge and would need to be altered.
I get a phone call from sister, her first words were..”I’ve found some dresses, you’re no longer my MOH as the maid of honor dress I found fits (other sister). So I was demoted to brides maid. Now I was a little hurt by her insinsitive way of demoting me but let it slide.
A couple days later I went to her house and she and my other sister (the new MOH) wanted to go looking for a better MOH dress as the other was pretty plain compared to the Brides maid dresses. So we went shopping and guess what we spotted right away. A dress that matched exactly with the two previously bought brides maid dresses only a little shorter and IN MY SIZE.
I thought for sure she would want to get that dress as it would solve all the problems of dress attire. But she didnt want that dress..It was the wrong size for her new MOH.
Now I was truly hurt. I went home and then next time she called. I asked her..”Did you find a better MOH dress then?”.She said no..I then told her..”Well, why don’t I just not be in the wedding party then, that way your MOH and Brides maid will have matching dresses.” She said..”you dont want to be in my wedding?” I said..”well, I don’t need to be.” She said.. “well I guess that will work then.”
I was hurt but oh well..If she wanted to choose her wedding party by the dresses she found that was her business.
The next day..I get a phone call from my younger sister, the new MOH. Obviously my stepping out of the wedding has made me the bad person. I was blamed for ruining what should be a very special time for my sister.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
So you werent honest with the bride about why you stepped down? You allowed yourself to look like a bad person. Just tell her exactly how you are felling and why. The whole how she demoted you based on a dress crap. And tell your other sisters they dont know the whole story and MTOB. And dont think for a minute you should be part of the bridal party; Id bet money that you escaped a whole bag of drama.
Post # 4
I would be hurt by you’re sister’s attitude also, I would have probably went off on her – how can you “demote” somebody over the phone! Let the dust settle and be grateful you’re not in the wedding, it sounds like being on the outside of the dramatics is better for you in the long run. You didn’t spoil anything, she did it herself and will continue to do so by being selfish.
Post # 5
‘Special time’ does not mean that your sister gets to be rude to you. State your feelings, firmly, and don’t back down.
Tell them you support your sister and will do everything you can to help, but your feelings were quite hurt. If they press on it, gently remind them that you don’t have to issue an apology for someone else hurting your feelings, regardless if that’s your sibling and DEFINITELY regardless of any bridal status.
Planning a wedding does not given anyone license to be hurtful.
Post # 6
Sounds like this group of sisters has a lot of isses, OP included…don’t let bad feelings push you into bad behavior, I know that your sister started this whole thing, but don’t let others drag you into the gutter of decorum….the damage is done, for now…I’d wait a couple of days, get my thoughts straigh and have a heart to heart with her about everything…honesty time
Post # 7
I don’t think you did anything especially wrong. As I understand it, because of your sister’s thoughtlessness, you no longer felt special and valued to her. The message she sent was clearly “Which one of you is my MOH isn’t important to me,” whether that’s what she meant or not. And you were hurt because, to you, it had been a special honor, but you felt as though it wasn’t your place to tell her how to decide who was important to her and which position to give them in her wedding party.
Now she’s hurt because she doesn’t understand why you don’t want to be in her wedding.
I think at this point the only option is to keep it to yourself and suck up being the bad guy and leaving your sister feeling hurt and confused about why you did this, or you tell her the truth, and let her feel badly about hurting you. I don’t see any way of handling this now where your sister isn’t going to feel badly (which I assume is what you’ve been trying to prevent by not being honest with her about her decision upsetting you in the first place).
And as far as anyone else goes, it’s really not their business, just tell them, “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to discuss this with you. It’s between me and Sister Bride.” If they won’t change the subject, exit the conversation.
Post # 8
@Beautiful Bluegrass: Hi, Yes I was honest about my reason for stepping down. She only had the two matching gowns, if I stepped down, she would have matching gowns for all envolved. And like I said..If that is what was importrant to her than so be it. I guess if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have cared less what my MOH wore just as long as she was by my side on my special day.
Post # 9
@Nona99: Well, I had every intention of waiting until after her wedding day has passed and then telling her that what she did hurt me. But I’m not sure what will happen now. I have tried calling her but she will not accept my phone call. Maybe I am no longer invited to the wedding? It is funny, we spoke on the phone latter that same day and everything was fine between us. I didnt let her know that I was hurt by her actions. I didnt know there was even really a big problem until my younger sis called. Seems to me like maybe the new MOH, my little sister, might be stirring the pot.
Post # 10
@Thickskin: It would appear that there is no winning in this scenario…only varying degrees of loss
Post # 11
I can understand why you were hurt. What I dont understand is how they couldnt see it.
Post # 12
That’s kind of the norm for my family. It’s almost like..How dare you complain when I treat you badly…For the most part I just laugh it off..But my skin can only be so thick
Post # 13
@autumnmountainbride: I did message my younger sister and was firm and did tell her that the only thing I was guilty of was getting my feelings hurt. She messaged me back and told me that she would pray for me in church and that I really should seek medical attention for my mental illness.
I can’t win for losing..:)
Post # 14
You got demoted because of a dress, your sister is the one with problems. Who the heck does that?
Post # 15
@Thickskin: LOL WHAT?!
I’m glad you got outta there. I’m sorry, but this group of sisters sounds like more drama than I’m willing to deal with.
Post # 16
@alleycat1984: & thickskin:
Agreed! I think if you are continuing to call and try to make peace, it will create more of an impression that you did something wrong. I might send an email (cc new MOH) and say that you’re sorry the bride is hurt. Here’s how you feel and why you offered to step down. That you’re so happy for her and would love to hear from her when she is ready. Then stop… and do something fun for you. Don’t be in touch etc. Let her come to you when she realizes that you aren’t going to chase her to apologize for her bad behaviour!