(Closed) Oh dear..I've upset the priest who was supposed to marry us!

posted 3 years ago in Christian
  • poll: Do i have a right to be upset at the Pastor too?

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  • Post # 16
    Member
    395 posts
    Helper bee

    At this point I would reach out to the church one more time via a telephone call and attempt to schedule the coffee and talk with the Pastor about officiating your wedding. If you don’t get a prompt and positive response, I would go ahead and find another officiant.

    It would definitely rub me the wrong way to get little to no response after so many attempts to reach out meanwhile the pastor is posting regularly on social media. Also the pushiness about your Fiance volunteering though you explained he works 2 jobs, meanwhile they are not able to return your messages… I think you definitely have a right to feel a bit miffed. If your family is super religious, do they have a church you grew up in where you would like to get married? 

    Post # 18
    Member
    1011 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    While I agree that the behaviour of the pastor hasn’t been the most organised, maybe he just isn’t sure how committed you are to the church at this point as you only attend 1-2x per month. However if this actually is the case he should be open and honest about that rather than being obscure. Yes you are paying him for a service, but a this is not about saying a few words and signing a piece of paper. Some pastors are strict about who they marry. The expectation could be that the couple are regular attendees (every Sunday) and committed to practicing the faith in their marriage, homes etc.

    I’m not sure he’s trying to force you to volunteer in order to get something back from you, your mother did say you were shy and wanted to integrate into church more. Do you really want this to be your home church? Are you planning to attend services after you’re married? If not I’d say move on and find another church/pastor/officiant who is more flexible to your needs.

    Post # 19
    Member
    395 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    shadows9x :  Ohh I see. I’m sure if things don’t work out with this pastor, you guys will be able to find another officiant who will be more personable and reliable. I don’t think you did or said anything wrong or offensive though, so don’t take the lack of response to heart! A friend of mine has been a member of her church for her whole life, but she says it still took the pastor more than a week sometimes to respond to e-mails. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    335 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Are you actual members of this church, or do you just sometimes go there? Doing a wedding offsite on a Sunday miggt suggest that you’re not trying to celebrate with the church community, but to use the pastor as a hired wedding vendor.

    Post # 21
    Member
    2671 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    shadows9x : Just some context on my background so you know why I feel the way I do. My grandfather was a pastor. His church was so overly religious and strict (for example, one rule was women shouldn’t wear pants) that my mother left. She went back to a nondenominational church in her mid 30s, when I was 9 years old. She’s now a deacon of the church. I’ve been a regular tithing church – goer for my whole life since the age of 9. I attend every Sunday, volunteer regularly, I’m in a leadership role and I do honestly love the church.

    Now, onto my opinion about your situation. Shame on this pastor and shame on the church. Weddings and funerals are what I believe to be “a service to the community.” It’s a way for the church to reach out and positively impact people in their time of need. It’s nice for pastors to receive a donation for their efforts, but performing weddings is not meant to be a money making scheme or a blackmailing tool to recruit new volunteers.

    As the church, it’s our commission to love, help and value others like Christ would. Ignoring messages, missing and delaying meetings, bartering for free labor is awful behavior by the Pastor and church. Is that what Jesus would do?How nice would it have been for your church to say, “Wow, this young couple really needs a pastor. As God’s hands and feet, as His servant, we would love to help them. That would be such a blessing for this couple.” 

    OP – Search around for another church. There are some churches that will marry you even if you’re not a member. Just search, you have time. If it were me, I would find a new church and pastor that was a little more Christ like for my wedding and for me to attend as a permanent member. And sorry this happened to you. Not all churches and pastors are like this, I promise.

    Post # 23
    Member
    239 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    Pastor or not, this guy is rude! I’d start looking elsewhere, honestly. 

    We went through a similar process with the pastor at a church I grew up in, he ended up canceling on us and we were actually a little relieved… 

    We took a second to step back and it turns out we knew a couple pastors in our friend circle… or relatives of our close friends etc… Just took a little thinking! 

    It all worked out perfectly in the end and we had a pastor who we’ve known awhile and were comfortable with marry us 🙂 good luck! 

    Post # 26
    Member
    7564 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    View original reply
    shadows9x :  “So if we are donating why do we need to volunteer?“

    because two hours of your time once a week are worth more to the church than the $5 you put in the collection plate once every few weeks. It takes a LOT to run a church and they will always prioritize those who help it run over those who just guve money (unless, of course, your donations are in the thousands).

    It sounds like you’re expecting them to make an exception to their “No Sunday” rule without actually doing anything to earn that exception. Volunteering on a regular basis is how you get your Sunday wedding, and since it’s two of you getting married, two of you should volunteer. Having two jobs isn’t really an excuse in the pastor’s eyes; there’s probably someone there who has two jobs, raises foster kids and still volunteers every week.

    Is this quid-pro-quo, or is it the church giving priority to those who demonstrate a real commitment to the church?  I don’t know. Personally I don’t see a problem with a church not bending the rules to accommodate someone who isn’t attending regular services, isn’t a power donor and isn’t a regular volunteer. 

    Also, don’t have your mom fight your battles. You wouldn’t have your mom call your mortgage broker if you didn’t qualify for a loan, so why would you have her inserting herself in this?

    Post # 27
    Member
    837 posts
    Busy bee

    It shouldn’t be this hard. Our minister was very accommodating and prompt to return messages and emails. Even though my husband and I were not parishioners and she has an injury that makes her forgetful.

    Post # 28
    Member
    4239 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    In my experience the majority of pastors, priests, reverends, etc. don’t have weddings on Sunday.  That truly is their busiest day of the week and most religions deem it a day of rest.  As great as Sunday weddings are, you may have to start looking at other options, potentially secular options, for your officiant.  I may have missed if you are having a ceremony in a church or off site, I do know Catholic priests will not marry people outside of the church.  There are a lot of rules and I would suggest looking into what those are for your particular religion.

    That being said, you need to get over being shy and pick up the phone to call them.  I get preferring to text, however texts and emails can be ignored and are passive.  With wedding planning you can’t be passive, you have to go after what you want.  If you want to get married in this church, pick up the phone and call them.

    My final thoughts though…this pastor is really flaky and awful at follow through.  That in and of itself would cause me to consider other churches.  You want a pastor who does what he says he will so everything is done by the time your wedding rolls around.

    Post # 29
    Member
    296 posts
    Helper bee

    I agree with everyone saying that you should probably look elsewhere. There shouldn’t be this many hoops to jump through and agreements to volunteer, etc. A marriage is about pledging your love and commitment to one another before God, and should not have any contingencies attached to it like those! 

    Post # 30
    Member
    2617 posts
    Sugar bee

    I don’t think I would really want to be married by a pastor from that church to begin with! It doesn’t sound like they’ve been very welcoming or respectful of your time. I would want to be married by someone that felt comfortable with and supported by.. 

    I agree with 

    View original reply
    yupmarried :‘s comments as well. Doesn’t really sound like a community I’d be falling over myself to be a part of. 

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