(Closed) Oh, he’s just your boyfriend? No big deal then. (long rant)

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
6889 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@Wonderwoman217: Yes but that has to do with the different ways people see “boyfriend” versus “fiance” or “husband.” I think the issue is that the assumptions made were that they weren’t serious simply because they aren’t engaged yet, which is silly. That also probably lead the professors to believe that she, herself, couldn’t have been that invested as it was “only her boyfriend.” Unless I am totally off in how I am reading this…which is possible.

Post # 19
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3942 posts
Honey bee

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@vmec: I think her point with the second comment was that nobody took into account that she too was mourning. They assumed she took time off to be with her grieving boyfriend, but since she was in a long term relationship, she was grieving as well.

And to the OP, I totally understand. We’ve been in a serious relationship for over 3 years. Explaning to people that I bought a house with my boyfriend sure raises a lot of questions.. People ask us all the time whos name is on the mortgage. When I tell them “both our names”, they look at me like I’m insane.

Post # 20
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10282 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@AmeliaBedelia: My parents (a.k.a. my mom and her longtime boyfriend of more than 10 years) aren’t married and I think the term “boyfriend” bothers me more than it bothers them. To me, her “boyfriend” is so much more than that. He IS my Dad whether or not I have half his DNA.

There should really be a new term made up for people who are in relationships for more than X amount of years but who aren’t engaged or married. I was calling Fiance my “boy-ance” (boyfriend+fiancé) for like the 2 years leading up to our engagement!

Post # 21
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I ahve had the same probelm.  My relationship is a very long one, we started dating in college, but for many reasons he’s not been in a place where marriage was even a possibllity until fairly recently, and even now he’s not “sure” – thats not my main point, I’m just saying that we’ve been together as a committed coupl, even without engagement or marraige for a long time.

He had a friend who was almost a brother to him die unexpectedly in an accident several years ago.  My work didn’t want to let me off because it’s “just my boyfriend’s friend,” and not s “relative”  My own blood-relatives mean far less to me (and me to them) than my BF’s oldest friends.  His family, even if it’s not “official” IS my family, but since we don’t share a last name, we’re not seen as such.  I almost lost my job by telling them that I’m not making him drive down to the funeral on his own, and then bury his friend witout me by his side.  I had similar problems when his grandfather, and his brother-in-law’s father and grandmother all died.  No matter how long we’ve been together, I’ve learned, as long as you can’t/don’t call each other “husband and wife” there are plenty of people in the world who will marginalize your relationship as “not counting”.

I honeslty HATE the terms BF and Girlfriend these days, as modern society seems so full of weekend booty-call BFs and GFs that to call someone such means almost nothing anymore.  It sounds like you’re in Jr. Hhigh school, or you “hooked” up a week ago and will break up next week.  People DO NOT treat a Girlfriend the same as a wife in many cases.  Wives have a ot more understanding and respect for their involvement in their husband’s life and family.  If the OP had said MY HUSBAND’S father died, she’d have been given a lot more repect and understanding.

Post # 22
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6889 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@UpstateCait: I like that – boyance. 🙂 haha. I agree that we need a new term! I vote for yours.

Post # 23
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3942 posts
Honey bee

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@UpstateCait: Haha I like that term! Ive been calling him my domestic partner as a joke…he doesn’t like that term lol

Post # 24
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@UpstateCait:  One friend (I think the ONLY one who like me is not married or engaged) calls her BF of 8+ years her “husband-friend”. 

Post # 25
Member
6889 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Lol. Once Fiance and I had been dating 3+ years, my mother started calling him her “almost future son in law.” 😀 haha

Post # 26
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I know how you feel.  Back when I was in college I was in a similar situation.  I was hurt because the label wasn’t strong enough and felt foolish when speaking to professors or bosses.  Now looking back, I was silly.  We broke up after that and it truely was nothing more than a boyfriend, despite how I or anyone else around felt.

Post # 27
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am not waiting but I just wanted to point out that, for a lot of companies, fiances don’t carry any weight either. My FI’s mother passed away last year and I had to use a week’s vacation in order to be with him. Since we weren’t married, I didn’t qualify for bereavement time. I think it’s just that marriage is considered the “gold standard” that all other relationship types are measured against. Everything else seems to be considered…less than. Which is silly to me, but I guess schools/companies have to draw the line somewhere.

Post # 28
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@Bostongrl25:  Yes.  People disregard the connections that a BF or Girlfriend can have to their SOs families – if you’re not married, you’re not “family” so you, too, can’t be in mourning.  My BF’s BIL’s grandmother died a couple of years back and I’m in no way related to this lady, but I liked her and she seem seemed to like to talk to me during holidays – I was devastated when she died.  I couldn’t leave work except for an hour to attend the funeral, so I just sat there, obviously crying, because I was going to miss her. 

Post # 29
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@JamaicaBride:  I understand company policy in many cases – in mine I had to fight to get permission to even use personal vacation to be gone (but that WAS a bad place to work and I haven’t had the same problems since).  I understand schools and professors and employers need to be able to say, “Yes, you have a valid reason to be away on such and such day/week,” and “No, you don’t need to be out today because a cousin of your ex-BF 5 times removed that you have never met passed away.”  It still makes you feel aggrevated for ebing told/reminded that the world views your relationship as 2nd or 3rd class – and grieving is bad enough without feeling those waiting-type pangs as well.  I guess the best solution is for anyone in a position to have to determine leave eligibility/make up time for students or workers is that they have a touch of sensitivity when talking to you – When someone takes the time to mention a death and ask to be off for it, I’d ALWAYS assume first that that person was in pain, regardless of who the deceased actually was to them. 

Post # 30
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@UpstateCait:

What about just “partner?”  That’s what I called my now-FI. We were together for 6 years before getting engaged, living together for four and a half.

Post # 31
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

OP: I agree with a PP that your professors do not know the relationship you share with your BF’s family. Without knowing that info, they assumed you had no relationship at all (which is the norm for a young couple). I would’ve probably said something along the lines of, “Well, I’m sure your boyfriend will be glad you’re taking time off school to be with him” myself.

In college my bf at the time passed away. I was away at an internship, everyone went out of their way to comfort me, and allowed me to end my commitment early. When I returned to school, my profs gave me lots of leeway on things. I don’t think their reaction would’ve been ANY different if he were my husband. 

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